In the Way

Samantha

Nothing ends the day like feeling like you're an inconvenience in someone else's life. Being reminded how much you have to depend on others just to be able to have anything resembling a normal life - being able to do normal things.  Being more than just an afterthought.

Everyone who actually thinks about me as me lives in another province, or another fucking country. The people around me? If I disappeared for a few months, I doubt they'd even notice. Hell, I could probably fall off the planet and I think maybe one person might notice, because that one person actually takes the time to reach out and talk to me from time to time.

I pointed out my little brother, Daryl, is neglected all the time. When he does come up, he's met with behave or no. The kid can't get a break, because there's nobody who's really interested in the same things he's interested in, or has the time to just sit down and play with him and talk with him.  He's got a few toys now, but they 'take up space' and have to be put away for more adult things, so he gets discouraged and just ... stops playing.

Really.  I just want a stable relationship, and friends who see me for me, not as a +1 to Kit's life.  I want to be able to go do things with friends, without feeling like I'm being a burden for simply existing and wanting things.

And I was having such a good weekend, too.

Green Eyes

Samantha:

Alright, I admit it. I'm jealous. I'm jealous as hell. I'm so incredibly jealous it isn't funny. I'm the jealous type, and I know it.

And I'm not going to do a damn thing about it, because I have no fucking right to. Of course I've got the right to be jealous, but I've got no right to do anything about it, or to give grief, or to upset the ones involved in this.

Because, really, it wouldn't be fair. I want them to be happy, to enjoy themselves, to be a wonderful couple together. They both deserve that oh-so-much, and damn but it's about time fate gave them a break (for entirely different reasons).

But damn I'm upset. I had an opportunity for a brief period of time - even tentatively had a 'thing', but they weren't ready and changed their mind and I respected the fuck out of their decision because that's the kind of woman I am.

But that hurt, then. And this hurts, now. And I'm going to suck it up and cope, since it's the right thing to do.

Don't look at me, you don't want to see me this way...

 Samantha

Fuck.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

On the one hand.. I'm really glad for them. I want them to be happy. I want their life to be good. I want the best for them. They deserve it so very much.

On the other hand.. losing something I was looking forward to, before I even had the chance to experience it.. that hurts.

And I don't want to be selfish.

I ... just wanted someone I could hold, and feel close to, and who'd be there for me and I could be there for them. I wanted that intimacy (not sex, sex was never on the table), and by the goddess she was so adorable. She was ephemeral and bright and ethereal and fun and...

And not mine.

And I want to cry. I'm trying not to. Because crying means I'm not celebrating that she's found someone. She deserves this happiness, and I don't want to be selfish.

I mean, yeah. I've got the long distance thing. That gives me ... some emotional support, and can make me happy ... but I want someone who's there, who I can hold onto, who sees me and acknowledges me, and wants me.

And the chances of me getting that are so, so slim. And it isn't like I've got lot of time to find someone.

She was... perfect, you know? Perfect in so many ways. I felt a kindred there.

I want her to be happy, I'm glad she's going to be happy.

I just wanted to be the one to make her happy.

Equal Rights to Existence

 Samantha here, and I've got opinions.

So, a friend of mine mentioned they have a tulpa.

Someone else was personally offended at the very thought.  They don't believe tulpa are people.  They consider tulpa to be a personal affront to people with DID and schizophrenia (which they have both). Kit took exception to that - but his beef was that this personal verbally attacked the other person.

Then they got offended he took the side of the tulpa.

My opinion is sharper. Nobody gets to decide who's a person and who's not a person. That this was dragged started in a public forum with an attack on someone else pisses me off.  If you've got this kind of opinion, you don't drag it out in public - and shouldn't feel affronted if people take exception to you going on the attack.

I've been on the pointy end of the 'you shouldn't exist' and 'you don't exist' not to take this personally. No, nobody gets to say 'you don't exist'. I don't care what kind of trauma you had, you don't get to project it onto other people in front of everyone and not expect some backlash.

Limited RAM

 Mark

People understand the spoon theory.  A person has only so many spoons to use up during a day on tasks, and different tasks - even things which you would think would be fun - use up your spoons.

We have a different problem.  RAM.

How much attention can be used doing what at the same time.

For example, Kit may be doing the following:

• Writing for a project.
• Listening to music to keep Bard entertained.
• Taking a short break to watch a YouTube video which interests me, Daryl, Troy, or Shawn.

This usually being:

•  The Lockpicking Lawyer (guy who picks locks on camera with ease)
• Pimpnite (Pokemon battles showing incredible strategy)
• Kicking Mustang (airsoft extreme sniper skills)
• CritCrab (RPG implosions)
• Legal Eagle (discussion of law in the USA)
• Color-R-Touch (showing off high-quality Transformers action figures).
• Death Battle (geek discussion and strategy)
• Epic Rap Battle of History (sheer amusement)

We've got very disparate tastes, and usually we take turns spending 10-15 minutes on one or two videos to entertain the masses before Kit goes back to work.

When one of us comes up for whatever reason, it takes up RAM.  If we're passive - in that we're mostly just looking over Kit's shoulder, and maybe tossing out a short text every 10 to 15 minutes, it isn't much of a problem.  We briefly interrupt his flow, do our thing, then fall back and let him get back into things.  He's used to this, so it isn't that much different than watching a video, or answering a FB post, or when one of us fires off something on Twitter.  It's a mild interruption, and then we're back to equilibrium.

The problem starts when one of us has to be up for more significant periods of time, or have to deal with something that requires time to think, interact, and focus.  Then we're taking up more RAM, and that will hamper Kit's ability to function.

For example, if 'someone is wrong on the internet', and we get engaged in a debate.  Kit has to stop what he's doing until we're satisfied with the outcome (or walk away in disgust).  Sometimes it's a collaboration, like when Kit writes one of his essays on some RPG-related topic because it's hit a point more than one of us finds important (there's at least three gaming geeks in here, and a number of us are also fascinated by human psychology, history, religion, storytelling, and politics, so there's a lot of fuel for the creative fires of essay-writing when it comes to gaming).

This who are very familiar with me and Samantha know we aren't usually up and talking with people online unless it's for something scheduled (like gaming), or we're explicitly asked for - a rare thing for me, I almost never get asked for (though that's recently changed).

And those people know that we're going to have gasps.  We'll say our bit, then step back and let Kit do what he's doing, then if we're responded to, we'll come back and talk a little more, then step back, and so forth and so on.

This makes the RAM pendulum swing back and forth between a low load and a high load.  And that's fine, we can handle that.  However, when it becomes a point where we're needing to be up more and be more engaged, then we're dealing with a high load.

To some extent, we can handle that.  One of us is up when Kit is up - Kit shuts down a lot of what he's doing, allowing us to do what we need to be doing, and that's it until we're done.  If it goes on for some time, Kit essentially gives up his day and plans on doing stuff later.

(Which could be 'watch YouTube', 'tinker a bit with an RPG idea he's got in the back of his head', or 'watch Samantha play Warframe' - something he does to unwind).

Having more than one of us up at the same time is a severe strain on resources.  We tried it in a friend's Pathfinder game.  I was playing, Samantha was playing, and Kit was in the back seat.  Except he wasn't.  He helped me with my character, but it was a significant strain for us to do this - and usually what would happen is Samantha would go quiet, and let Kit and I do things.  And when Samantha was being active with her character, Kit and I would retreat so she could do things.

This is usually what happens when Kit, Samantha, and I are involved in gaming.  I'll be quiet and let Samantha do her thing.  Then she goes quiet and lets me do my thing.  And we alternate back and forth.  To make things easier, though, lately, if Samantha's playing, we don't.  Kit lets her have her time.  It helps let her have time up - but it's been difficult, because the rest of Legion gets bored, and then looks at reading, or YouTube, or whatever, and that pulls RAM from Samantha, so she goes quiet.

This has become an issue recently.

Samantha has an SO.  This SO wants time with her during the day, and the two have gotten into a pattern of being active for a lot of the day if possible.  This uses a lot of RAM, so Kit's stopped most of his daily routine to allow for it.  Because he makes sacrifices like that.  This has also completely buggered our sleep schedule, since Kit wants to do things and unwind, and that means doing it at 3-5 in the morning, then passing out around 11-12 and sleeping until 4-5 at night, falling asleep again at 11 pm to 1 am or so, then waking up at 3 to 4 am again.

And now I'm a part of this.  I've been asked to be more engaged with one of my SOs as well.  That will basically redline our RAM.  Kit trying to do anything, while Samantha's trying to be engaged, while I try to be engaged.  Something has to give, because we can't function like that.  It would be like having Kit and Samantha and me all active with full characters at the gaming table.  It just won't happen.

And if we do the usual Samantha/me swap like we might do at the gaming table, then one or the other of us goes quiet for extended periods of time while the other's engaged.

And if Kit wants to do anything at all, we both fall quiet.

Shawn's solution is simple, but cuts to the bone.

No, we're not going to be active full time during the day.  Yes, we can engage with others, but there's hard limits.  We're secondary riders, we're not primary.  Anything that draws Kit's attention draws his attention.  We may not get the chance to say 'AFK' or or anything, we may be quiet for 15 minutes, or an hour, or four hours.  It happens.

In other words - the old status quo.

If we're wanted - come to us.  Don't wait for us to come to you.  We might.  Sometimes.  But it won't be the normal situation.  We need to be 'pinged' so we know to come up.  Why?  Because if Kit's in the zone, he's using almost all the RAM on whatever he's doing, plus entertaining Daryl and the others for short breaks while he relaxes and gathers energy.

The old status quo.

We'll be easier to get in touch with during the night - usually 9-11 or so, give or take.  Kit's less busy, there's less demands, and he's used to loosening the leash so to speak, so we can talk to people.  This will usually allow one of us up and active if we get pinged, and we can be more engaged.  For example, Kit may be talking to his friend (Samantha's boyfriend), Samantha may be talking with her girlfriend (not her SO for this example), and in between Kit may be running a game.  If Kit needs more attention on the game, though, he'll go quiet on his friend, and Samantha will go quiet as she focusses on her character's responses.

People who've been with us for at least 5 or more years are used to this by now.  There's no complaints or anything - one of them may 'poke' to get attention, but usually not, they wait to see if Kit or Samantha come back - and sometimes it doesn't happen.  One might wish a 'goodnight', and the other just goes to bed.

Now, if I want to talk with Kit's friend (since he's my friend too), Samantha will go quiet, and slip out for the night, letting me have my time.  She doesn't talk to anyone else, because three-way rapid swapping leads to headaches.

As you might imagine, all of this has been thrown into disarray.  We're trying to find a new status quo, which allows us to function without redlining.  And it's a work in progress.

Shawn, being the one with the keen insight, points out that we should go back to the status quo.  It lets us function, it's how we've lived for the last 25 years.  Those who are new to interacting with us just need to understand this and go along with it.  The problem is - if they're unhappy, and Kit or Samantha knows they're unhappy, it causes discord, and they try to adapt, even if it's to their detriment to do so.

If the other people can accept it, however.  'It is what it is'.  Then yes, going back to status quo would work out.  There needs to be a talk, and it needs to be concluded.

With all that said, Legion wishes you a Happy 2021.  Thank the gods 2020 is over.

Gold Stars

Samantha

Warning, this post is gonna be political.

So someone I saw on Twitter has a friend. That friend voted for Trump.  That friend no longer likes Trump. That friend is straddling the line between Republican and Democrat. So far, in my books, that's a strike against him.

Said friend doesn't feel he fits into either Party. He believes in equality for everyone, love who you want to love, and so forth.  Okay, fine.  But he doesn't believe White Privilege exists. That's a heavy strike in my books.  And third, he doesn't feel like he's understood as a white person.

Holy shit.  Stop right there.

Now, the person I was watching said this guy's trying to change. And then asked, "What do you say to a white male who says he doesn't feel like he's respected anymore in society?"

Respected.

For being white.

My answer?  "Sorry, I'm trying to limit my salt intake."

Triage

 Samantha.

Fuck my life.

There's a good thing that happened.  I have another girlfriend.  She's awesome.  I love her.  But there is a problem connected to this wonderful thing.  We want to spend a lot of time talking to one another.  This is a good thing, I think.  I mean, my boyfriend and I haven't talked much - though we're doing it more, and my talking with my other girlfriend is sporadic normally.  The problem is, however, balancing.  One of my brothers now has, count them, two girlfriends.  And our other brother now has a serious writing job, and has a lot of staff working under him.  So now we're needing to juggle.

So we kind of have a list of 'tasks' which are juggled, and we need to figure out which ones are high priority and which aren't, and which need to be 'turned off', and... it's all of a thing.

Like, here's how it works as a list:

• Brother 1 and writing.
• Brother 1 and talking business on Discord.
• Brother 1 and talking to other group on Discord.
• Brother 1 and talking to third group on Discord vis-a-vis games being run.
• Brother 1 and talking to fourth group on Discord vis-a-vis other games being run.
• Brother 1 and game he's playing in.
• Brother 1 and his wife.
• Brother 1 and his family.
• Brother 1 and his in-laws.
• Brother 1 and checking FB and making / answering posts.
• Brother 1 and checking Twitter and making / answering posts.
• Brother 1 checking e-mail and keeping caught up.
• Brother 1 and unwinding by listening to music / watching YouTube.
• Me and group on Discord.
• Me and game I'm playing in.
• Me and other game I'm playing in.
• Me and boyfriend.
• Me and best friend.
• Me and girlfriend #1
• Me and girlfriend #2
• Brother 2 and girlfriend #1
• Brother 2 and girlfriend #2
• Brother 2 and best friend.
• Brother 3 and wanting to be entertained.

I'm probably missing some.  But at any given point 5-6 of these things are happening at the same time.  And the more of us up to handle it, the more strain there is.  The question becomes 'what is given higher priority' and 'which are dropped for now'.  And this becomes 'how many of us need to pay attention' and 'how many things do we need to pay attention to', and 'how much focus is needed for any given task' and 'how many things are pulling us away from focus' and 'how much sleep have we had' and 'how much energy do we have' and 'what time of day is it', and ...

Bleah.  It's a mess.  There's a lot of good going on, but we've only got so many ways we can let ourselves be pulled one way or another, and ... it's a balancing act and we're trying to deal with it and figure out how to spin the plates without it all coming down.

Dysphoria

Samantha

Had a series of dysphoric dreams, one after another after another.

Started with me trying a semi-permanent make-up like thing to try to look more feminine, then going into a washroom to pee - and a friend of mine (Zoly) opening the door on me, leaving it open for the public to see me.  So, was hanging out with Zoly and a few others (including a friend named Dana), and she was surprised to see me.  And when I asked if I looked good, she was honest and said 'no', it looks terrible.

Then, I got an e-mail, inviting me to go to an event - if you can give a good reason, they had a means for altering how you looked.  So I hurried there, only to find out it was for people who had taken part in a kind of 'break and win' lottery system.  They were nice enough to give me a ticket to 'be there', and they started showing a film about locally grown fruit and stuff - and I recognized the background music and the voice actor for it.  But ... the video was somewhat trans-unfriendly, so I left.  I needed to find a place to go to the bathroom - wanted to use the woman's stall, but couldn't ... and couldn't find a bathroom anywhere.  Came across Cat and mom, who were there to see me.

Finally found a bathroom, and started scraping the make-up off with some of the face cloths they had here - it was a fitness center, and it felt really hard to find privacy while I did that.  Another friend, (Terrel) was there from the US with family, to celebrate a brother's birthday, but at least he was being supportive, but the make-up was almost impossible to scrape and rub off.

I woke up feeling very dissatisfied with myself and the world as a whole, though..

The Tulpa Experiment

Samantha:  Tonight, my brother made his first attempt at turning me into a tulpa.  It was an a literal thought-experiment, the idea of giving me my own body, my own voice, my own presence, that was completely separate from his.

You see, we recently learned what a tulpa was.  It's kinda like a combination of self-hypnosis, along with some honest-to-the-goddess summoning techniques.  The idea is that you create a thought-form of the entity you want, and then you shape the appearance, the personality, and then you train your thought form into thinking as an individual, apart from yourself.

Or, in our case, we create the visualization, and I try to inhabit it.

We've got a bit of a headache / neck-ache, and the first run didn't go as well as we could.  It's actually pretty damn hard for our brother to achieve a hypnotic state - in three tries so far, it's only worked once.  But we're gonna try to plug at it until it works, to see what results we get.  I really want to get my own body, even if it's made of imagination.  It's more than what I've got now, and if it helps me to break off and be more independent, that's awesome.

The one thing that kinda worries me - does this mean losing my online presence, or do I have to work through my siblings?  Dunno.

I'm being a bitch.

Samantha

Got into an argument with Cat.  She cut me off, so I decided to write it out and give her the link to read whenever she gets around to it.  I'm pissed off, so I decided to let off both barrels.  That being said, I also laid out my reasoning and my points.

I just decided not to be nice about it.  Right now, I don't think I need to be nice.  I think I need to be honest, to the point, lay out my argument, and be direct and cruel.  And yeah, I was cruel.  I felt that I was justified on that point.  Let Kit be the saint.  I don't need to be.

Why?  Because seriously, I feel Kit's being taken advantage of, more often than not, but I keep my mouth shut about most of it - since he asks me to.  But this crossed the line.  She can have Kit help her, and he will, because he's nice like that.  Kit can make sacrifices, because he sees this as 'this is what you do for a relationship'.

But you know what?  I'm not married to Cat.  And if I have the means to go enjoy myself, and it uses my own resources, I should be allowed to do so.  I don't think anyone has the right to guilt trip me over it.  Because why the fuck should I be forced to sacrifice my happiness when it's so rare that I get this kind of opportunity?

Yeah.  I know I'm a drain on Kit's resources - that he spends money on me, that I don't have that much restraint.  I'm fully aware of it.  His argument is that I have limited opportunities to enjoy myself, so he gives me a bit of leeway, and when I go over the line, he gets frustrated.  I get that.  But this is not that.  This is, 'here you go, you have this window to be you and have fun'.  And I know the limits that are put in place concerning this.  And I know what I want.

Like I said.  He's a saint.  And sometimes I feel he doesn't deserve me.  But this isn't that.  This is him giving me a chance to have fun and be me.  And to do so without hurting the household at all.  And I'm pissed that Cat wants to take that away from me.

So yeah.  I wrote everything out.  And I was cruel about it.

So be it.  I'm going to be the bitch, because Kit doesn't like being cruel.  She can read it if she wants, or not.  If it makes her cry, I'm gonna feel like shit.  But ... hey.

"I can't talk about this now."

"Then when can we talk about it?"

"I don't know!"

Which means, it never gets talked about.  Because it's a confrontation.  And there's never a good time for a confrontation.  I'd say it's better to get it out of the fucking way.  You know, that whole 'don't go to bed mad' thing.  But whatever.  She gets to sleep, I get to stew.  Fair, right?

First Time

Samantha:  I've decided to try running D&D.  This is my first time running an actual campaign, and a friend of mine wanted to play D&D, so I pulled out the BECMI set and decided to give it a go.  It's a really simple system, which is good for me, because I'm not as good with running stuff as Kit is, and it's got that nostalgia thing going for it.

There's been a little trouble with the group, but hopefully it'll gel over time.  Some of the characters are working well together, others - not so much.  And tonight, my sister in law let me have it about not enjoying the game.  :<

I'm trying not to let it demoralize me.. I mean, she complained about a game system she enjoyed playing under Kit.  So I don't know.. I'm trying not to feel like I'm just a sucky game master.  We'll see though.

I guess we'll see.. but right now I don't feel like running anything anymore.

TennoCon 2018

Samantha:  First time ever to a gaming convention!  It was a long-ass drive there, 11 hours, and a long-ass drive back, about 7 hours or 8 hours.  The drive got on everyone's nerves, and there was a bit of negativity involved, but the convention itself was fun.

Once I've had a chance to relax and decompress, I'll try to go into more detail.

Twitchy

Samantha

So, I'm on Twitch.  There's a long story about this though..

See, my brother had a Twitch account - we don't remember why, but he had it, so when Warframe started doing videos on Twitch, we decided to go hang out and watch it.  It's nice getting free things, you know?  So, recently, Warframe had a special thing, where if you watched some of their 'official' streamers, you could get extra stuff.

I decided to select a few, and watch them, and it was fun watching different people playing the game I enjoyed.  Ultimately, I wound up gravitating to one streamer more than the others - Fateful.  She made me a moderator on the first day - something I hadn't expected, and I've sat back and watched her play a variety of games - and get paid for it.

So, I decided to give this a shot.  I started streaming my games - with a few bumps along the way - and I've been slowly getting the hang of setting up the screen for people to see, adding the bells and whistles, and generally adapting to the idea of being a streamer.  I've picked my time slot - though it's stupidly late at night - and I'm trying to get into the flow of things - like talking to myself while I play.  It's hard with only one monitor though, because it's difficult to see what's going on in the stream while I'm running around, but I'm getting the hang of it.

Wish me luck!

Visit From Montreal

Samantha:  My girlfriend from Montreal visited this weekend - came in Friday, staying until Monday.  She had a bit of drama back home, and this was a good chance for her to unwind during her visit.  You might notice I say girlfriend.  Things have changed for her back home, and I'm quite happy to get the chance to use that word.

Her visit's been pleasant.  We hung out a bit Friday, and went drinking at the local sports bar.  By drinking, I mean she and my sister in law and my roomie got drinking - I had my usual Shirley Temple.  The desserts I ordered wound up on the house, and we got gift cards for free wings on our next visit.

Saturday was seeing Deadpool 2, which was an interesting film.  Then we showed our Lego Ghostbusters firehouse, and she sat down and started assembling it.  I didn't know she liked Lego, but it was fun watching her put it together.

Sunday?  She finished the firehouse while we napped.  We went back to the sports bar for the free wings, and a screw up resulted in another free dessert for me. And when we got home and digested, I got to have some fun.

It's been a relaxing, happy weekend for me.. and this has been a very pleasant experience.  Looking forward to seeing her in July, when we go to TennoCon.

There's Always Complications

Samantha

I've kinda stopped playing Guild Wars 2.  There was a lot of drama - not with me, but in general.  People I was hanging out with kind of went away, my guild was barely being represented, and things kind of fell apart.  The people I wanted to go run around with already did the material, so it was rehashing for them, or weren't really that interested anymore.

So it stopped being fun.  Kit's the person who's okay running around all by himself and seeing things, I'm the person who wants a group of friends to hang out with and chat with while I'm running around with them, the group of us seeing new things, and sharing the experience of exploring.  I mean, this is kinda what I did in Guild Wars 1 - I had a group, we met up once a week, and we pushed through the storylines, seeing what was going on.  When I got into GW2, it kinda fell apart, people went their own way, or stopped showing up at all.  I had to make a new group of friends for the game, and.. well, that didn't last long.

This whole thing with 'you can be in more than one guild' sucked.. because there were bigger guilds, more active guilds, guilds who had dozens and scores of members and who got all the 'good stuff', and.. left me with nothing.

Going into Warframe, we've got a bunch of new players coming in, or people who've not played in awhile and are just really getting into it again now.  Michelle's Clan had two members before I joined, and now I think we're close to 10 or so.  There's a few people on through the day, and we can team up and do stuff and chat on Discord while we're running around - and it's fun!

There's two people I was hoping would really get into it - enjoying something that I enjoy.. but.. yeah.  There's complications.  They're both pretty laconic when it comes to groups, fading into the background unless you specifically talk to them.. and one doesn't enjoy groups that much, while the other one's got.. reservations.. about the Clan because of certain dynamics.

They're both kinda important to me - I want them to have fun in something I'm enjoying.  I want to do things with them.  But it looks like that's not really going to happen.  So I'm conflicted.  I could spend less time doing something I'm enjoying to hang out with them - even if it means doing things less fun, or I can try to drag them into this.. knowing they're not having fun.. or I can spend less time with them, feeling bad about enjoying something without them.

And it all sucks.

A part of me is also worried that the 'new game' shine is going to fade for the people I'm hanging out with, leaving me abandoned again.  Typically, when this starts up, I'll be the first to bail - go find something else to do to distract me from feeling alone when things get complicated.  I don't want to do that to Michelle though, so I'll stick around.. but I'm worried I'm going to get hurt again, that I'll look around, and the people I was hanging out with have all gone to do something else.

:<

All I want is a game, and friends I care about who play the game with me, and us having fun.  Why is it so hard to find something so simple?

Warframe: A Review

Samantha
A bit over a month ago, I went to visit my friend Michelle in Montreal, and she introduced me to a game called Warframe.  For the two or three people on the planet who's never heard of it, Warframe is a third person space ninja shoot-and-stab 'em up that's free to play.

So, I had heard of the game before in passing, in that vague 'huh, it's a game I'm not interested in' sort of way, and didn't even give it a second thought, but Michelle was playing it a lot when I was over, so after a week of her nudging me, I thought I'd at least give it a half-hearted try to amuse her.. and found I kinda like the game.  A lot.  In the 'I will damn well spend money on this game' sort of way for the fashion stuff and everything.

The game has a bit of a learning curve, but during that curve, you start to feel kinda awesome very quickly.  The game's backstory makes you a legendary individual, rising from a deep sleep to try to bring balance to the universe.  You're kind of a super soldier with the ability to change 'frames', which are effectively character classes, in power armour form, that lets you slaughter hundreds of baddies and look totally awesome while doing so.

The game is mad-customizable, with different frames, which you can colour a whole slew of ways, metric ass-tonnes of weapons, with a primary, secondary, and melee weapon available, and your frames and your weapons are also customizable, with mods, which allow you to tailor your stuff to the style of play you want.  You can get animal companions (cats and dogs), and you can get mechanical floating sidekicks called sentinels, all of which have unique traits and can be, again, customizable to your style of play.

Everything levels.  You have 25 Ranks to work through, which is done by levelling your frames, weapons, companions, and sentinels.  Each can go to Level 30, and that's pretty easy to do.  But once you have it levelled, you can 'reset' it, altering one of the 'slots' for mods, and relevel it all over again.  You do this, because when you tweak one of the mod slots, you can start putting in stronger and stronger mods (since you have limited capacity for what you can add).  Each time you gain a Rank, you start your gear 'ahead' a bit - they're still starting at Level 0, but are treated like they're at your Level as far as modding is concerned.

You can play solo, with your friends, or in pick up groups, of up to four people total.  There's Clans to join, which have 'dojo' which can be customized to look awesome, and there's voice chat (though I tend to voice chat with my friends in Discord).  Most of the people are pretty cool even in pick-up-groups, and there's ample trade.

There's an optional PvP duelling arena, but I don't touch it - I much prefer going on missions with people and being awesome as a group - even though I'm normally a solo-style person.  The game makes it fun to work with others - it rewards teamwork, and if you are close to an ally, any XP they earn also benefits you, so there's the impetus to work together towards a common goal.

The backstory's interesting, and when you complete The Second Dream, everything you thought you knew about the game changes.  It adds a lot of interesting stuff, and The War Within which is the quest afterwards, turns everything on its head again.  A number of quests are to help you get additional warframes, but those two quests specifically are, I think, essential to the game, and are just amazing.

The standard style of play is sort of a 'dungeon delve' thing - you go on a mission, kill all the bad guys, accomplish the goal, and get out in about 10 to 40 minutes, depending on your skill and the type of mission, but recently they've added sandbox play with the Plains of the Eidolon.  That region's free to roam around in as you wish, and they're going to be adding a new sandbox region soon.

So yeah!  I didn't think I'd enjoy the game - I don't like third person or first person shooters, but the game play, the community, the company itself (who are awesome folks who listen to their players and interact with them regularly) and the story and background all contribute to this awesome game I can't say enough about.  I really recommend it!

I'm home!

Samantha:  Well, I'm back from Montreal, and while there were some frustrations, overall, it was a wonderful trip, and I hope I can do this again!  The experiment was both a success, and a failure.  It was a success in that, yes, I was able to be in control through the entire week without complication.  Kit was a bit of a jerk though - there were some things I didn't want to do, but he was all like 'well, you're in charge for this week, so you get to do those things I would normally be doing for you'.  :<  I tried some Nair, to see how it would work for me.. and the answer is 'not very well'.  It might have been because it was the 'gentle' version, and we might need a stronger version.

So, the bad thing.  Well, I was trying to have fun with my partner, and everything was set up and while I was nervous I was excited to try out some new things.  However.. when I'm active, certain parts of our anatomy 'doesn't exist' for my awareness unless specific attention is paid to them.  Even then, it doesn't feel normal for me.  Well, that disconnect prevented me from being able to.. umm.. 'perform' in the required fashion.  I tried, and.. well, nothing really came from it.  It was frustrating, and a bit depressing.  So yeah, learned something new:  'Samantha's enough of a woman that she's not able to do this kind of thing'.

Let's see, what else can we talk about?
Well, yeah.  Wednesday, made it to Montreal, hung out with my friends, and got along well with my partner's significant other.  They were cool, and we had some similar interests, so we got to chat about that.  Thursday, I took my partner to see Spider-Man - and screwed up getting the tickets.  I got them for the wrong theatre.  So that became a more expensive trip than we'd hoped.  Got to wander downtown, and went to McGill university, and enjoyed the farmer's market there.  Also went to the 'gay district', and enjoyed wandering around and taking pictures too.

Friday was 'the experiment', and.. well, like I said.  It didn't work out like I'd hoped.

Saturday, my partner had to go out for dinner with their significant other.  It was a bigger affair than they'd expected, and ran late.. and I was lonely as hell.  And apparently, the medication we're taking for our moods - St. John's Wort - isn't working as well as we'd hoped, because I crashed hard.  And I've noticed we're reacting to some things a lot harder than we expected to.  This isn't good.  We may need to either up the dosage, or get the hard stuff, and we kind of wanted to avoid getting the hard stuff.

Sunday, we went to a 'munch', where people with a certain interest were able to gather and talk about stuff, knowing they have a common interest, and being able to be normal around one another.  After hanging out for awhile, it was time to go home, and I kinda slept and rested on the bus ride home.  Once home, Kit took over, and went to the Loon and Arrow with Cat.  The serving girl was awesome, and it was a pleasant wrap to the trip.

So, looking forward to another trip to Montreal.
Looking forward to spending time with my partner.
Looking forward to seeing what I am capable of, and what we can do together.

Vacation!

Samantha:  Kit's given me the chance to go on vacation for the first time, so I'm spending five days in Montreal. I've never been in control like this, and I get to try being my own person during the trip.  Sadly, this also means having to adult as well.

So far, so good. Though I had a weird dream, where I was talking to an artist friend online, while playing with myself. It wasn't sexual, when I did that, I sounded like a sitar. My girlfriend was there with me, as was her kind of furry persona, though human still.  And then my sister in law came into the room, amazed at the sound I could make.  We were at our old place.

Yeah, weird dream.

Why Does It Have to be Complicated?

Samantha:

I'm going to enjoy myself.  I have to.
I'm heading to Montreal for a few days to see someone, and I'm looking forward to it.  It isn't 'Kit and Cat are going to Montreal', it's me.  Kit's giving me some time for myself - a few days - and I can spend it with someone I care about.

But there's complications.
See, a few days ago, we were discussing things we'd be doing while I was visiting, and some of them were.. well.. personal in nature.  They hit a lot of my fun buttons - and while I was a bit shocked and shy about it, I was like 'oh, this is going to be interesting!'

And I was thinking 'I get to spend a bunch of days alone with her!'

And.. while it's true.. it isn't completely true.
There's going to be one day where her boyfriend's going to be staying over.  And if I came earlier - which had crossed my mind - there'd be a few days where he'd be there, saying over.  Which means I'd be in the living room.

Not with her.
I don't think I'm ready for that.  I can probably deal with one day like that.. but not multiple days. And on the weekend, she's going off to his parent's place with him.  I won't be going.  And I'm going to have to deal with that.

I'm the 'on the side' in this relationship.  As much as I don't want to be.  But I have my limitations and she has her limitations.  Different cities, different needs, that kind of thing.

That.. kind of took the air out of this some.  I do want to go, and I do want to spend time with her, but I've also tried very hard to ignore that there's another relationship involved.  I keep on thinking 'oh, this is that guy, her friend' - not 'this is her boyfriend, who she has a relationship with'.

And.. it makes me think of the stuff we talked about a few days ago, and suddenly, I'm wondering 'do they do that kind of thing?'.. and a part of me is worried that 'yes, they do', and a part of me is going 'you really don't want to know the answer, in case it's 'yes'.'  And.. the fact it might be yes, kind of makes me want to cry.

*sigh*

Light, not Shadow.

Samantha:  So, my brother's starting his first Blue Rose game.  He owned the 1st edition for quite some time, and he's been looking forward to the 2nd edition game ever since he saw it coming out on Kickstarter.  For those who don't know - this is a Romantic Fantasy game - you play Romantic Heroes. This means you're the good guys.  Not the 'troubled sort-of good guys' or the 'gray guys' or the 'anti-heroes' or anything like that.  You're the good guys.  End of story.

One of the players kinda missed that - thought his character might hunt down some fleeing bandits and kill them because of a flaw he has.  My brother warned him - he does that, he gets a Corruption point.  That's kinda a signal you're doing something wrong - you don't want any of those.  Well, the character went off, killed people, rolled, and got a Corruption Point.  Then found out just how shitty those things are.  Since it was the first session, my brother allowed him to step back and get a do-over.  He beat the bandit and dragged the guy back to the camp as a captive.

Yeah, the game rewards you being big damn heroes, and it punishes you to hell and back if you start doing evil shit.  We're good guys, act like it.  I didn't make a kill bot, or someone who wiped out the enemy in the first round or blew everyone away or whatever.. because the game doesn't want that.

So.. anyway..

My boyfriend was invited into the game.  I was really looking forward to seeing what he was going to play, and my brother was curious too.  He makes interesting characters, and we were really hoping he'd make some kind of paladin, or something.

Didn't happen.

He wanted to make a "mage".  You know, spell-tossed.  But they don't have spell tossers in this game.  Not really.  "Adepts" are kind of close, in that they get some kind of animistic / shamanic / psychic kind of abilities, and those tend to take a heavy toll on the person.  So right out of the gate, things weren't going well.

Then, he got some shitty die rolls for his attributes, re-rolled, and got worse.  An offer was made for another re-roll so he could get, maybe, better than average, but he declined.  Well, okay - it isn't the end of the world, each time you level you can increase your attributes, so you can kind of build the direction you wanna go.  It isn't horrible - it just means your character's more of a normal person rising up to be the hero, rather than starting there.

So he came up with a cool idea.  You take an Adept, make it a character that can create and use psychic weapons, and there you go.  I could build an entire thing around that - in fact I did.  Her name was Lilith, and she was a psychic-knife using assassin.  Note 'assassin' there - not someone I'd use in Blue Rose.  Instead, I'd probably have made her a duellist - someone who defends the honour of others, because that's kind of the way the game runs, you know?

But he dropped the idea, saying if he was going to be using weapons, he might as well have made a warrior.  And.. isn't that kind of missing the point?

So he's not playing.

And it's kind of sad, because I think he'd have enjoyed the game if he'd let himself.  But he kept looking at the negatives, and not the positives.  You get to be a hero, you get to do good, and feel good about it, and there's not this moral ambiguity.  The game's not made for moral ambiguity.

You get to stand in the light, be the good guy, do right.  The game doesn't want you going around and killing people, you're trying to save lives, rather than end them.

A mage, using fireballs and lightning bolts and such isn't helping people in this setting.  It's hurting people.  And the game tells you this - it's in the setting, it's in the mechanics, it's part of the core of the game's very being.

And.. the game asked the players to make relationships - bonds with other people, whether they were other PCs, or NPCs or enemies or friends or whatever - to connect yourself to the people around you and to the world itself.. and that was apparently too hard.

So, it feels like he didn't even try.  That this idea of there being a world of light and goodness, and being a part of that, and striving to work towards that, of being connected to other people, in a positive way, from the get-go, was too much.

It's a shame.  Because when we got to playing, the ideals came out quickly, and it worked.  We were the heroes.  We saved the captives, and we didn't kill anyone.  The questions were asked:  'Were they forced to capture people?'  'Should we take lives?'  And those were the right questions.  And now that we have the captives, they get to wander off to prison, and then get put on trial.

If this were D&D, everyone would have been killed, and.. well, sure, it's satisfying to just kill everyone off, get the XP, and carry on - but this isn't D&D.   You don't just murder people - if they're breaking the law, you try to bring them to justice.  That's what makes us civilized.

And it was kind of cool.  I'm looking forward to the next session..

I just wish he was there with me.