I'm being a bitch.

Samantha

Got into an argument with Cat.  She cut me off, so I decided to write it out and give her the link to read whenever she gets around to it.  I'm pissed off, so I decided to let off both barrels.  That being said, I also laid out my reasoning and my points.

I just decided not to be nice about it.  Right now, I don't think I need to be nice.  I think I need to be honest, to the point, lay out my argument, and be direct and cruel.  And yeah, I was cruel.  I felt that I was justified on that point.  Let Kit be the saint.  I don't need to be.

Why?  Because seriously, I feel Kit's being taken advantage of, more often than not, but I keep my mouth shut about most of it - since he asks me to.  But this crossed the line.  She can have Kit help her, and he will, because he's nice like that.  Kit can make sacrifices, because he sees this as 'this is what you do for a relationship'.

But you know what?  I'm not married to Cat.  And if I have the means to go enjoy myself, and it uses my own resources, I should be allowed to do so.  I don't think anyone has the right to guilt trip me over it.  Because why the fuck should I be forced to sacrifice my happiness when it's so rare that I get this kind of opportunity?

Yeah.  I know I'm a drain on Kit's resources - that he spends money on me, that I don't have that much restraint.  I'm fully aware of it.  His argument is that I have limited opportunities to enjoy myself, so he gives me a bit of leeway, and when I go over the line, he gets frustrated.  I get that.  But this is not that.  This is, 'here you go, you have this window to be you and have fun'.  And I know the limits that are put in place concerning this.  And I know what I want.

Like I said.  He's a saint.  And sometimes I feel he doesn't deserve me.  But this isn't that.  This is him giving me a chance to have fun and be me.  And to do so without hurting the household at all.  And I'm pissed that Cat wants to take that away from me.

So yeah.  I wrote everything out.  And I was cruel about it.

So be it.  I'm going to be the bitch, because Kit doesn't like being cruel.  She can read it if she wants, or not.  If it makes her cry, I'm gonna feel like shit.  But ... hey.

"I can't talk about this now."

"Then when can we talk about it?"

"I don't know!"

Which means, it never gets talked about.  Because it's a confrontation.  And there's never a good time for a confrontation.  I'd say it's better to get it out of the fucking way.  You know, that whole 'don't go to bed mad' thing.  But whatever.  She gets to sleep, I get to stew.  Fair, right?

I'm home!

Samantha:  Well, I'm back from Montreal, and while there were some frustrations, overall, it was a wonderful trip, and I hope I can do this again!  The experiment was both a success, and a failure.  It was a success in that, yes, I was able to be in control through the entire week without complication.  Kit was a bit of a jerk though - there were some things I didn't want to do, but he was all like 'well, you're in charge for this week, so you get to do those things I would normally be doing for you'.  :<  I tried some Nair, to see how it would work for me.. and the answer is 'not very well'.  It might have been because it was the 'gentle' version, and we might need a stronger version.

So, the bad thing.  Well, I was trying to have fun with my partner, and everything was set up and while I was nervous I was excited to try out some new things.  However.. when I'm active, certain parts of our anatomy 'doesn't exist' for my awareness unless specific attention is paid to them.  Even then, it doesn't feel normal for me.  Well, that disconnect prevented me from being able to.. umm.. 'perform' in the required fashion.  I tried, and.. well, nothing really came from it.  It was frustrating, and a bit depressing.  So yeah, learned something new:  'Samantha's enough of a woman that she's not able to do this kind of thing'.

Let's see, what else can we talk about?
Well, yeah.  Wednesday, made it to Montreal, hung out with my friends, and got along well with my partner's significant other.  They were cool, and we had some similar interests, so we got to chat about that.  Thursday, I took my partner to see Spider-Man - and screwed up getting the tickets.  I got them for the wrong theatre.  So that became a more expensive trip than we'd hoped.  Got to wander downtown, and went to McGill university, and enjoyed the farmer's market there.  Also went to the 'gay district', and enjoyed wandering around and taking pictures too.

Friday was 'the experiment', and.. well, like I said.  It didn't work out like I'd hoped.

Saturday, my partner had to go out for dinner with their significant other.  It was a bigger affair than they'd expected, and ran late.. and I was lonely as hell.  And apparently, the medication we're taking for our moods - St. John's Wort - isn't working as well as we'd hoped, because I crashed hard.  And I've noticed we're reacting to some things a lot harder than we expected to.  This isn't good.  We may need to either up the dosage, or get the hard stuff, and we kind of wanted to avoid getting the hard stuff.

Sunday, we went to a 'munch', where people with a certain interest were able to gather and talk about stuff, knowing they have a common interest, and being able to be normal around one another.  After hanging out for awhile, it was time to go home, and I kinda slept and rested on the bus ride home.  Once home, Kit took over, and went to the Loon and Arrow with Cat.  The serving girl was awesome, and it was a pleasant wrap to the trip.

So, looking forward to another trip to Montreal.
Looking forward to spending time with my partner.
Looking forward to seeing what I am capable of, and what we can do together.

Vacation!

Samantha:  Kit's given me the chance to go on vacation for the first time, so I'm spending five days in Montreal. I've never been in control like this, and I get to try being my own person during the trip.  Sadly, this also means having to adult as well.

So far, so good. Though I had a weird dream, where I was talking to an artist friend online, while playing with myself. It wasn't sexual, when I did that, I sounded like a sitar. My girlfriend was there with me, as was her kind of furry persona, though human still.  And then my sister in law came into the room, amazed at the sound I could make.  We were at our old place.

Yeah, weird dream.

Why Does It Have to be Complicated?

Samantha:

I'm going to enjoy myself.  I have to.
I'm heading to Montreal for a few days to see someone, and I'm looking forward to it.  It isn't 'Kit and Cat are going to Montreal', it's me.  Kit's giving me some time for myself - a few days - and I can spend it with someone I care about.

But there's complications.
See, a few days ago, we were discussing things we'd be doing while I was visiting, and some of them were.. well.. personal in nature.  They hit a lot of my fun buttons - and while I was a bit shocked and shy about it, I was like 'oh, this is going to be interesting!'

And I was thinking 'I get to spend a bunch of days alone with her!'

And.. while it's true.. it isn't completely true.
There's going to be one day where her boyfriend's going to be staying over.  And if I came earlier - which had crossed my mind - there'd be a few days where he'd be there, saying over.  Which means I'd be in the living room.

Not with her.
I don't think I'm ready for that.  I can probably deal with one day like that.. but not multiple days. And on the weekend, she's going off to his parent's place with him.  I won't be going.  And I'm going to have to deal with that.

I'm the 'on the side' in this relationship.  As much as I don't want to be.  But I have my limitations and she has her limitations.  Different cities, different needs, that kind of thing.

That.. kind of took the air out of this some.  I do want to go, and I do want to spend time with her, but I've also tried very hard to ignore that there's another relationship involved.  I keep on thinking 'oh, this is that guy, her friend' - not 'this is her boyfriend, who she has a relationship with'.

And.. it makes me think of the stuff we talked about a few days ago, and suddenly, I'm wondering 'do they do that kind of thing?'.. and a part of me is worried that 'yes, they do', and a part of me is going 'you really don't want to know the answer, in case it's 'yes'.'  And.. the fact it might be yes, kind of makes me want to cry.

*sigh*