Dysphoria

Samantha

Had a series of dysphoric dreams, one after another after another.

Started with me trying a semi-permanent make-up like thing to try to look more feminine, then going into a washroom to pee - and a friend of mine (Zoly) opening the door on me, leaving it open for the public to see me.  So, was hanging out with Zoly and a few others (including a friend named Dana), and she was surprised to see me.  And when I asked if I looked good, she was honest and said 'no', it looks terrible.

Then, I got an e-mail, inviting me to go to an event - if you can give a good reason, they had a means for altering how you looked.  So I hurried there, only to find out it was for people who had taken part in a kind of 'break and win' lottery system.  They were nice enough to give me a ticket to 'be there', and they started showing a film about locally grown fruit and stuff - and I recognized the background music and the voice actor for it.  But ... the video was somewhat trans-unfriendly, so I left.  I needed to find a place to go to the bathroom - wanted to use the woman's stall, but couldn't ... and couldn't find a bathroom anywhere.  Came across Cat and mom, who were there to see me.

Finally found a bathroom, and started scraping the make-up off with some of the face cloths they had here - it was a fitness center, and it felt really hard to find privacy while I did that.  Another friend, (Terrel) was there from the US with family, to celebrate a brother's birthday, but at least he was being supportive, but the make-up was almost impossible to scrape and rub off.

I woke up feeling very dissatisfied with myself and the world as a whole, though..

Dream a Little Dream

Samantha

Well, that sucked.

Our dreams lately have been hyper-real - even if weird at times, and when we went to rest, I wound up dreaming.  In my dream, I walked down to the side of a river - and remembered that this was a place that a friend, Rumour, and I used to hang out at.  I'd not seen her in a long while, but there were some items there from our previous visits, so I decided to sit down and go through them.

Not that, you know, this had ever actually happened in real life.

But I had this huge feeling of nostalgia, of loss, of loneliness, and it carried with me when I woke up.  I decided to reload Skype and see if she had ever replied to anything there.  But no - her name wasn't even there anymore for me.

I went and checked my e-mails, and threw an e-mail off to each of her e-mail addresses, in the hopes she might surprise me and answer.

I went into Second Life, and ... so much has changed.  A friend I'd not seen in years contacted me there, and we sat and talked and had a good time reminiscing, so .. that was good.

But.. I'm still sad.  I still miss my Rumour.

Vacation!

Samantha:  Kit's given me the chance to go on vacation for the first time, so I'm spending five days in Montreal. I've never been in control like this, and I get to try being my own person during the trip.  Sadly, this also means having to adult as well.

So far, so good. Though I had a weird dream, where I was talking to an artist friend online, while playing with myself. It wasn't sexual, when I did that, I sounded like a sitar. My girlfriend was there with me, as was her kind of furry persona, though human still.  And then my sister in law came into the room, amazed at the sound I could make.  We were at our old place.

Yeah, weird dream.

First Group Dream

Kit: Legion doesn't dream often.

Or, to put it another way -- most dreams are marked 'my' dreams, and only a very few dreams I am privy to belong to anyone else. Samantha has had two or three dreams that I am personally aware of, and I'm not certain about anyone else. It just might be that Samantha's stands out because she's a girl, and in her dreams she identifies with being a girl. I don't know.

Last night, however, was the first time that I remember having a dream which involved all of us. It stands out because it was the first dream where we had a 'fit' in the dream itself. It was pretty horrible, because it had all the earmarks of a fit.

For those of you who don't know -- a 'fit' -- is when one or more of us get so upset, that Dark comes out to attack the source of our anger / fear / anxiety / whatever. Because having a feral something go into attack mode is usually inappropriate, we have to try to hold him back, and as we all fight for control... well, we usually collapse and thrash around. It is painful, confusing, and disorienting.

Once we've got him under lock and key, there's a strange hollow feeling, our limbs feel like deadwood, and we usually let one of the younger ones up (Sonic, usually), while we assess what went on and how to deal with it.

So, yeah. Last night involved a dream where mom upset us so much (and I don't remember over what), that we had a fit. We were at someone's house, there was a swimming pool in the back, and everyone was dressed for swimming, I remember that. And I remember the fit starting, me going 'oh crap!' and trying to hold it off, and Dark attacking mom. Usually, if there's a fit in public, there's a few people there to help hold me down -- not this time.

Mom tried to fight him off, and he'd try to push her down so he could bite her and claw at her. At the end of it, we curled up, and the horror of it all sunk in. We felt terrible, and mom was torn between being angry, being terrified, not understanding really what happened, and blaming me for what happened. Nothing she could say, though, could really draw us out, and she eventually take us to the van to try to drive us someplace to eat. It was... a slow process coming out after that.

During the aftershock, though... there was a brief discussion where I mentioned my father's gun, and the passive desire to just finish ourselves off for what we'd done. Mom dismissed it at first, then made sure Dad had the gun hidden, the bullets removed and put somewhere else, and nothing around for us to get our hands on.

We woke up shortly after this whole thing, and I felt very... off. I was upset at the dream, but it also disturbed me on a few other levels as well. We're sort of discussing this with each other, trying to sort it out, and at the moment our skin doesn't feel like it sits 'just right', sort of like what happens when we're not sure who is driving the boat.