Limited RAM

 Mark

People understand the spoon theory.  A person has only so many spoons to use up during a day on tasks, and different tasks - even things which you would think would be fun - use up your spoons.

We have a different problem.  RAM.

How much attention can be used doing what at the same time.

For example, Kit may be doing the following:

• Writing for a project.
• Listening to music to keep Bard entertained.
• Taking a short break to watch a YouTube video which interests me, Daryl, Troy, or Shawn.

This usually being:

•  The Lockpicking Lawyer (guy who picks locks on camera with ease)
• Pimpnite (Pokemon battles showing incredible strategy)
• Kicking Mustang (airsoft extreme sniper skills)
• CritCrab (RPG implosions)
• Legal Eagle (discussion of law in the USA)
• Color-R-Touch (showing off high-quality Transformers action figures).
• Death Battle (geek discussion and strategy)
• Epic Rap Battle of History (sheer amusement)

We've got very disparate tastes, and usually we take turns spending 10-15 minutes on one or two videos to entertain the masses before Kit goes back to work.

When one of us comes up for whatever reason, it takes up RAM.  If we're passive - in that we're mostly just looking over Kit's shoulder, and maybe tossing out a short text every 10 to 15 minutes, it isn't much of a problem.  We briefly interrupt his flow, do our thing, then fall back and let him get back into things.  He's used to this, so it isn't that much different than watching a video, or answering a FB post, or when one of us fires off something on Twitter.  It's a mild interruption, and then we're back to equilibrium.

The problem starts when one of us has to be up for more significant periods of time, or have to deal with something that requires time to think, interact, and focus.  Then we're taking up more RAM, and that will hamper Kit's ability to function.

For example, if 'someone is wrong on the internet', and we get engaged in a debate.  Kit has to stop what he's doing until we're satisfied with the outcome (or walk away in disgust).  Sometimes it's a collaboration, like when Kit writes one of his essays on some RPG-related topic because it's hit a point more than one of us finds important (there's at least three gaming geeks in here, and a number of us are also fascinated by human psychology, history, religion, storytelling, and politics, so there's a lot of fuel for the creative fires of essay-writing when it comes to gaming).

This who are very familiar with me and Samantha know we aren't usually up and talking with people online unless it's for something scheduled (like gaming), or we're explicitly asked for - a rare thing for me, I almost never get asked for (though that's recently changed).

And those people know that we're going to have gasps.  We'll say our bit, then step back and let Kit do what he's doing, then if we're responded to, we'll come back and talk a little more, then step back, and so forth and so on.

This makes the RAM pendulum swing back and forth between a low load and a high load.  And that's fine, we can handle that.  However, when it becomes a point where we're needing to be up more and be more engaged, then we're dealing with a high load.

To some extent, we can handle that.  One of us is up when Kit is up - Kit shuts down a lot of what he's doing, allowing us to do what we need to be doing, and that's it until we're done.  If it goes on for some time, Kit essentially gives up his day and plans on doing stuff later.

(Which could be 'watch YouTube', 'tinker a bit with an RPG idea he's got in the back of his head', or 'watch Samantha play Warframe' - something he does to unwind).

Having more than one of us up at the same time is a severe strain on resources.  We tried it in a friend's Pathfinder game.  I was playing, Samantha was playing, and Kit was in the back seat.  Except he wasn't.  He helped me with my character, but it was a significant strain for us to do this - and usually what would happen is Samantha would go quiet, and let Kit and I do things.  And when Samantha was being active with her character, Kit and I would retreat so she could do things.

This is usually what happens when Kit, Samantha, and I are involved in gaming.  I'll be quiet and let Samantha do her thing.  Then she goes quiet and lets me do my thing.  And we alternate back and forth.  To make things easier, though, lately, if Samantha's playing, we don't.  Kit lets her have her time.  It helps let her have time up - but it's been difficult, because the rest of Legion gets bored, and then looks at reading, or YouTube, or whatever, and that pulls RAM from Samantha, so she goes quiet.

This has become an issue recently.

Samantha has an SO.  This SO wants time with her during the day, and the two have gotten into a pattern of being active for a lot of the day if possible.  This uses a lot of RAM, so Kit's stopped most of his daily routine to allow for it.  Because he makes sacrifices like that.  This has also completely buggered our sleep schedule, since Kit wants to do things and unwind, and that means doing it at 3-5 in the morning, then passing out around 11-12 and sleeping until 4-5 at night, falling asleep again at 11 pm to 1 am or so, then waking up at 3 to 4 am again.

And now I'm a part of this.  I've been asked to be more engaged with one of my SOs as well.  That will basically redline our RAM.  Kit trying to do anything, while Samantha's trying to be engaged, while I try to be engaged.  Something has to give, because we can't function like that.  It would be like having Kit and Samantha and me all active with full characters at the gaming table.  It just won't happen.

And if we do the usual Samantha/me swap like we might do at the gaming table, then one or the other of us goes quiet for extended periods of time while the other's engaged.

And if Kit wants to do anything at all, we both fall quiet.

Shawn's solution is simple, but cuts to the bone.

No, we're not going to be active full time during the day.  Yes, we can engage with others, but there's hard limits.  We're secondary riders, we're not primary.  Anything that draws Kit's attention draws his attention.  We may not get the chance to say 'AFK' or or anything, we may be quiet for 15 minutes, or an hour, or four hours.  It happens.

In other words - the old status quo.

If we're wanted - come to us.  Don't wait for us to come to you.  We might.  Sometimes.  But it won't be the normal situation.  We need to be 'pinged' so we know to come up.  Why?  Because if Kit's in the zone, he's using almost all the RAM on whatever he's doing, plus entertaining Daryl and the others for short breaks while he relaxes and gathers energy.

The old status quo.

We'll be easier to get in touch with during the night - usually 9-11 or so, give or take.  Kit's less busy, there's less demands, and he's used to loosening the leash so to speak, so we can talk to people.  This will usually allow one of us up and active if we get pinged, and we can be more engaged.  For example, Kit may be talking to his friend (Samantha's boyfriend), Samantha may be talking with her girlfriend (not her SO for this example), and in between Kit may be running a game.  If Kit needs more attention on the game, though, he'll go quiet on his friend, and Samantha will go quiet as she focusses on her character's responses.

People who've been with us for at least 5 or more years are used to this by now.  There's no complaints or anything - one of them may 'poke' to get attention, but usually not, they wait to see if Kit or Samantha come back - and sometimes it doesn't happen.  One might wish a 'goodnight', and the other just goes to bed.

Now, if I want to talk with Kit's friend (since he's my friend too), Samantha will go quiet, and slip out for the night, letting me have my time.  She doesn't talk to anyone else, because three-way rapid swapping leads to headaches.

As you might imagine, all of this has been thrown into disarray.  We're trying to find a new status quo, which allows us to function without redlining.  And it's a work in progress.

Shawn, being the one with the keen insight, points out that we should go back to the status quo.  It lets us function, it's how we've lived for the last 25 years.  Those who are new to interacting with us just need to understand this and go along with it.  The problem is - if they're unhappy, and Kit or Samantha knows they're unhappy, it causes discord, and they try to adapt, even if it's to their detriment to do so.

If the other people can accept it, however.  'It is what it is'.  Then yes, going back to status quo would work out.  There needs to be a talk, and it needs to be concluded.

With all that said, Legion wishes you a Happy 2021.  Thank the gods 2020 is over.

Triage

 Samantha.

Fuck my life.

There's a good thing that happened.  I have another girlfriend.  She's awesome.  I love her.  But there is a problem connected to this wonderful thing.  We want to spend a lot of time talking to one another.  This is a good thing, I think.  I mean, my boyfriend and I haven't talked much - though we're doing it more, and my talking with my other girlfriend is sporadic normally.  The problem is, however, balancing.  One of my brothers now has, count them, two girlfriends.  And our other brother now has a serious writing job, and has a lot of staff working under him.  So now we're needing to juggle.

So we kind of have a list of 'tasks' which are juggled, and we need to figure out which ones are high priority and which aren't, and which need to be 'turned off', and... it's all of a thing.

Like, here's how it works as a list:

• Brother 1 and writing.
• Brother 1 and talking business on Discord.
• Brother 1 and talking to other group on Discord.
• Brother 1 and talking to third group on Discord vis-a-vis games being run.
• Brother 1 and talking to fourth group on Discord vis-a-vis other games being run.
• Brother 1 and game he's playing in.
• Brother 1 and his wife.
• Brother 1 and his family.
• Brother 1 and his in-laws.
• Brother 1 and checking FB and making / answering posts.
• Brother 1 and checking Twitter and making / answering posts.
• Brother 1 checking e-mail and keeping caught up.
• Brother 1 and unwinding by listening to music / watching YouTube.
• Me and group on Discord.
• Me and game I'm playing in.
• Me and other game I'm playing in.
• Me and boyfriend.
• Me and best friend.
• Me and girlfriend #1
• Me and girlfriend #2
• Brother 2 and girlfriend #1
• Brother 2 and girlfriend #2
• Brother 2 and best friend.
• Brother 3 and wanting to be entertained.

I'm probably missing some.  But at any given point 5-6 of these things are happening at the same time.  And the more of us up to handle it, the more strain there is.  The question becomes 'what is given higher priority' and 'which are dropped for now'.  And this becomes 'how many of us need to pay attention' and 'how many things do we need to pay attention to', and 'how much focus is needed for any given task' and 'how many things are pulling us away from focus' and 'how much sleep have we had' and 'how much energy do we have' and 'what time of day is it', and ...

Bleah.  It's a mess.  There's a lot of good going on, but we've only got so many ways we can let ourselves be pulled one way or another, and ... it's a balancing act and we're trying to deal with it and figure out how to spin the plates without it all coming down.

Sexual Assault

Kit (With Support from Legion)

Let's talk about sexual assault, and how it applies to men.

Because when women talk about sexual assault, there's a lot of things men simply don't understand.  Men are assaulted a lot less than women are, and the entire social construct surrounding it is quite different.  How men deal with sexual assault is entirely different than how women deal with it.  The expectations surrounding it are different.  I'm going to talk a bit about what happened to me, and what happened to someone I know - though in their case I won't be naming names.

I've been sexually assaulted three times.

To be more explicit:  I've had people initiate sex with me without my permission.

Twice, a woman initiated sex with me while I was asleep.

Once, a man initiated sex with me while I was asleep.  In this case, with two other men watching.

Now, my reaction was more surprise than anything.  Did it feel good?  Certainly.  But that isn't the point, is it?  It's the fact that there was no consent involved.  That makes it sexual assault.  Even if I was okay with it, it's still sexual assault.

Most men would say, of the women 'hey, that's cool' -- which is missing the point, but also which makes my point.  A lot of men will think 'hey, waking up to a girl going down on me that I barely know is cool'.  And that's the point - the psychology there is completely different than for a woman, who goes 'holy shit, some guy I barely know is having sex with me'.  Which is a distinctly bad thing, because 1) they don't know this person, 2) the power dynamic is different, and 3) the girl can get pregnant or get an STI.  Most guys kind of ignore #1, don't need to worry about #2, and have no concerns about #3.

Of the guy, if the person's straight, they are going to freak the hell out.  If they're bi (like me), it isn't so bad.  (For the record, it was oral - but that's still sex).  I barely knew the guy (I knew him online, but not face-to-face).  I was relatively chill about it - until I noticed I had witnesses, then I almost died of embarrassment.  But think about it - if you're totally straight - your reaction would be totally different, right?  For a woman?  That's the reaction to some guy doing stuff that she didn't ask for.

That I am chill about this isn't relevant.  How the world reacts to it is.

What happens if the girl has a partner?  Me, being the guy, gets the blame.  Regardless of who started it or the circumstances around it.  Why?  Because I'm a guy.  But for most people, they'd be like 'hey, that's cool'.

But if I was a girl?  Then it's my fault because I somehow 'made it happen'.  It isn't high-5s all around because I got some.  There's a lot of pressure to shame women for being the victim.  And honestly, that sucks.

---

So, next.  A guy I know got raped a little while ago.  He was drugged, and sodomized by a pair of guys, and left for dead.  He survived, and hid what happened to him from his family.  It only came out when he damn near died from syphilis.  He had trouble admitting what happened to him - and being a guy, he didn't want to tell anyone, he wanted to treat it as a non-event.

And that's dangerous.  It almost killed him.

The pressure on a guy who's been sexually assaulted is to hide it, because it's not 'manly'.  That you're a less of a man for being assaulted.  And that sucks.  The entire situation there is horrific.

So yes.  Men do get raped.  But the entire situation and the entire dynamic is completely different between men and women.  When women talk about assault - we should shut up and listen.  We should be supportive.  We shouldn't do a vague 'well, guys get assaulted to', because while that is true, the dynamics are different.

If a guy has been assaulted, and it's traumatic?  Then listen.  Help.  I doubt any guy's going to say, 'well, women get assaulted too' - because who the hell would do that?

Like, I'm not looking for sympathy for what happened to me.  I accepted it - and I moved on.  However, that doesn't change the fact it happened.  That there wasn't consent.  If I wasn't chill about it I could have laid charges.  And it would have been a really weird social storm because of it, because the situation for guys, as I said, is completely different.

Life in the 80s

Kit
The 80s.
So, Stranger Things 2 is coming to Netflix.  I watched the first one, and it hit my 80s vibe so much.  There were a few things that I was disconnected from - living in Calgary is completely different than living in the USA.  But there was enough that hit home for me.

Back behind the Mobil home I lived in was a bunch of dunes we called the 'dirt tracks'.  This was dug out dirt that wound around the region - undeveloped land.  I'd go there with my friends, bike around the dunes, play with our action figures, and do jumps off this one space which was perfect for that.  Two or three or more of us would line up on one side, and someone would shoot down one side, up the other, and sail over us.  It was cool.  There was a pond with salamanders there as well, and we'd catch them, and let them go, or try to raise them if we could get an aquarium.

My mom and dad didn't want me in the house that much.  I'd go out, spend the entire day wandering around, doing what I wanted to do.  Sometimes this was hanging out and playing Dungeons and Dragons (hey!  like the kids in that show!) on someone's front porch or in their house.  Sometimes it was out to the 'dirt tracks', sometimes it was down at a friend's place, almost an hour's walk away, or a trip to the swimming pool, which was almost two hour's walk away, or sometimes it was to the closest shopping mall, well over two hour's walk away.

I didn't tell my parents where I was going usually - as long as I was home for supper, it was okay.  And if I was out after supper?  Home by 8-9 pm.  Not, you know, that I really paid that much attention to that.  I was sometimes late for dinner, and sometimes out a bit too late at night.

Some people talk about the tension in the 80s.  I never saw it.  Then again, I was naive as all hell.  There was this threat of nuclear war - but that worry was distant - in the back of my mind, as something that 'probably isn't going to happen'.  I didn't worry about it, I had other things on my mind.

So... here's where things get interesting.
If you know me... and if you've been paying attention, you know about Legion.  And, while I was completely unaware of them, they existed back then and went about their existence as best they could without me being aware.

We built entire mental scapes in my head for them, and what I thought was just 'hey, imagination!' was them doing things to enjoy themselves.  'What if this was real?'  'Let's set it up so this is going on', and other stuff.  They'd then inhabit what was built, and just entertain themselves.  It... was distracting.  Or, if I'd be going someplace, they'd swap me out, let me enjoy the stuff built into my head, and take over, enjoying the scenery as I walked from one end of Bowness to the other.

I think to some extent, they also protected me from the worst that was out there.  I can't tell you where the tipping point was.  I just know sometime - between Grade 3 and Grade 7, there was a change.  I went from 'me' to 'we'.  Or... maybe it was even before that, but... I don't think so.

My fights with Kyle?  Not always me.  It was probably Mark who chased Kyle down the street to defend our friend Brent.

The person who stood their ground for half an hour or more against a would-be-bully, laughing at the thought of seeing what this guy could do?  Not me.  Probably Shawn.

The person who threw themselves at a student in Jr. High, without any thought of who the person was, or personal safety?  That was Dark.

The person who *almost* clocked a teacher in the back of the head for insulting us in front of the whole class?  Probably Shawn - and THANK THE GODDESS I stopped him before it happened.

But these were also the people who kept me company when I was alone at home.  I wasn't allowed company over, so if I wasn't outside, with friends, I was alone.  So they kept me company.  We'd play with my action figures together, giving them names and personalities.  They'd help me work out ideas in my head - thinking about distant places, or 'what ifs'.

I just didn't know it at the time.  But then, I didn't have any point of reference - I thought everyone talked to themselves, and heard themselves answer in other voices.

Daryl was there - my younger brother.  Immature, impulsive.  There was Sonic as well, who ... well, admittedly, was very, very strange.  Bard was there, playing constant music in my head (though these days, it sometimes sounds external, too.)

I wonder what it would have been like if I knew who they were.  If I realized 'I' was 'we'.  I honestly don't know, but I'm kind of sad I didn't get to acknowledge my brothers (and sister) when I was a lot younger.

---

I remember some of the girls I hung out with and knew at the time.  I had no idea how to deal with women except for 'hey, it's a person I know, and I shouldn't treat them differently than anyone else - except no hitting.'  Initials go here. RL, MB and CL, J? and SD, RB and PG.  And of course, there was the woman who lived across the street from me - I don't remember her name, but... seriously.  I was 18, and she was well into her 20s, and what the hell did she see in me?

There's things I remember from my time in Calgary about them, and some of these things... I don't think they remember.  RL didn't remember when I'd hurt her feelings, but I feel glad that I was able to call her up and apologize.  Seriously, when someone's model-level attractive and you have no idea how to even comprehend they're in the same airspace as you... yeah.  I shouldn't have teased, but I didn't have any idea what to even *think*.  I still have a soft spot in my heart for Bluehawk.  She's shown up a few times in my D&D games.

CL triggered my ASMR one evening.  Sitting in a semi-dark room, laying backwards from one another (head-at-ankles), and she just started running her hand along my shin and ankle.  I mentioned that was relaxing, so she kept doing it.  There was nothing sexual about it - we were just talking about things, and then my brain switched off because OMG that was relaxing.  I could have sat there for hours, just talking, half-out of focus because it was so soothing.

Which reminds me - one time on the school bus, some girl behind me started stroking my hair.  My brain simply shut off, and I enjoyed the entire bus trip in a trance.  To this day, I've got no idea who it was - but whoever it was?  Thank you, that was ... bliss.

My friend Neil, at one point, found a letter from MB to BM - her boyfriend.  I got to read it briefly, and... you know?  I was a bit amused at what was said - but on some level, I got it.  She liked him, and that was fine.  I didn't mention this to anyone, because as far as I was concerned, it was private.  I was naive, sure, but... these were friends, and I saw no reason to tease them over a love-letter.  MB did me a favour once, though it was weird.  I'd never had a girlfriend, and she was sitting in BM's lap.  So, I asked if she could sit in my lap.  She did... and it was interesting.  I was like 'huh, okay, so this is a thing'.  It didn't get my hormones revved, but it explained some things to me, and ... I'm actually grateful.

J? and SD.  Two girls I seriously liked.  Those two girls were the ones who set my 'type' for the next decade.  J had almost-red hair, SD was blond, and ... while I didn't know them that well, they were kind of a 'night and day' for me.  SD was petite, and J was a touch tomboyish, and I was drawn to them for those reasons.  SD ... barely tolerated me, which is okay, because she wasn't cruel or anything.  J... I actually got the guts to ask her out once - and got shot down.  But she was nice about it - a simple 'no, sorry', and that was that.

RB.  My 'girlfriend'.  In that a common friend of us ours set us up as a pair.  Considering I knew nothing about how to handle a relationship, I... was okay.  We went out on a date once (to see Rooftops.  I won two tickets from Much Music).  That was fine.  We played RPGs together.  I kind of wish she didn't smoke.  And we never did anything really 'coupley' until my 18th birthday.  She put her arms around me, and I had NO IDEA how to react to that.  And ... I moved away that month, to Ottawa.  She wrote me, once.  I lost the envelope with her return address - then the letter from her disappeared.

That's my last regret for Calgary - that I have no idea where she is, how she's doing, and I never got the chance to write her back and say 'thank you'.  I hope she's doing okay.

PG.  She's on my list of 'solid friends'.  I hung out with her and her brothers, we played D&D and other games, and she was a solid friend.  I liked her, enjoyed hanging out with her, and while sometimes I was a brat, she was nothing but nice to me.  Heck, she let me sit in her room and read her Amethyst comic collection (which was kind of cool, honestly).  She was, at the time, the ideal of the 'platonic girlfriend'.  She's the person who pretty much trained me that 'you know, you can have friends, who are girls, and ... that's okay'.

---

The 80s were strange.  Complex in a lot of ways that I didn't understand, and incredibly simple in other ways.  It was like, my personal space was simple.  Life for me was simple.  But there was so much going on that I simply couldn't comprehend - I wasn't a part of it, it didn't touch me, and that was okay.

I remember someone having broken the wing of a seagull when I was in high school.  I went out, captured it in my sweater, put it in a box, went through class with it, and then took it to a wild animal clinic downtown with another student.

Had no idea who that student was, but she sat with me on the bus, helped me get it to the clinic, and that was that - never saw her again.

I remember my Phys Ed high school class, where a student suplexed me so hard it knocked the wind out of me.  That Christmas, my Phys Ed teacher (as Santa) brought me down in front of the entire school during assembly, sat me on his lap, and gave me a 50 pack of MUSCLE action figures as 'bodyguards'.

I laughed.  It was great.
Then I went home and wrote a wrestling-based RPG, because that's how my mind worked.  And then I sold it to my friend David for $10 before I moved to Ottawa.

Then I wrote it again.  Tweaked it a bit.

---

Things were not as fun or simple once I got to Ottawa.  Moving into a new house, not knowing anyone, trying to find a niche in high school where nobody knew me.  The stress my parents were going through, and me just not knowing how I 'fit' anywhere.

Rod was probably the greatest thing to happen to me, when I moved into Kanata.  Cat was the greatest thing to happen to me once I met her.  Rod was an anchor - he grounded me, and was the brother I needed.  Even when he moved away, he kept in touch with me, and I needed that.  When he moved back to Ottawa, it was great, we picked up as if we'd never parted ways.

---

Is there a point to this?  No, not really.  Just... I've not done this in a long, long time.  Just writing, and writing, and writing, letting my thoughts flow out.

It feels good.  But I should stop.

Goodnight.

I'm home!

Samantha:  Well, I'm back from Montreal, and while there were some frustrations, overall, it was a wonderful trip, and I hope I can do this again!  The experiment was both a success, and a failure.  It was a success in that, yes, I was able to be in control through the entire week without complication.  Kit was a bit of a jerk though - there were some things I didn't want to do, but he was all like 'well, you're in charge for this week, so you get to do those things I would normally be doing for you'.  :<  I tried some Nair, to see how it would work for me.. and the answer is 'not very well'.  It might have been because it was the 'gentle' version, and we might need a stronger version.

So, the bad thing.  Well, I was trying to have fun with my partner, and everything was set up and while I was nervous I was excited to try out some new things.  However.. when I'm active, certain parts of our anatomy 'doesn't exist' for my awareness unless specific attention is paid to them.  Even then, it doesn't feel normal for me.  Well, that disconnect prevented me from being able to.. umm.. 'perform' in the required fashion.  I tried, and.. well, nothing really came from it.  It was frustrating, and a bit depressing.  So yeah, learned something new:  'Samantha's enough of a woman that she's not able to do this kind of thing'.

Let's see, what else can we talk about?
Well, yeah.  Wednesday, made it to Montreal, hung out with my friends, and got along well with my partner's significant other.  They were cool, and we had some similar interests, so we got to chat about that.  Thursday, I took my partner to see Spider-Man - and screwed up getting the tickets.  I got them for the wrong theatre.  So that became a more expensive trip than we'd hoped.  Got to wander downtown, and went to McGill university, and enjoyed the farmer's market there.  Also went to the 'gay district', and enjoyed wandering around and taking pictures too.

Friday was 'the experiment', and.. well, like I said.  It didn't work out like I'd hoped.

Saturday, my partner had to go out for dinner with their significant other.  It was a bigger affair than they'd expected, and ran late.. and I was lonely as hell.  And apparently, the medication we're taking for our moods - St. John's Wort - isn't working as well as we'd hoped, because I crashed hard.  And I've noticed we're reacting to some things a lot harder than we expected to.  This isn't good.  We may need to either up the dosage, or get the hard stuff, and we kind of wanted to avoid getting the hard stuff.

Sunday, we went to a 'munch', where people with a certain interest were able to gather and talk about stuff, knowing they have a common interest, and being able to be normal around one another.  After hanging out for awhile, it was time to go home, and I kinda slept and rested on the bus ride home.  Once home, Kit took over, and went to the Loon and Arrow with Cat.  The serving girl was awesome, and it was a pleasant wrap to the trip.

So, looking forward to another trip to Montreal.
Looking forward to spending time with my partner.
Looking forward to seeing what I am capable of, and what we can do together.

Light, not Shadow.

Samantha:  So, my brother's starting his first Blue Rose game.  He owned the 1st edition for quite some time, and he's been looking forward to the 2nd edition game ever since he saw it coming out on Kickstarter.  For those who don't know - this is a Romantic Fantasy game - you play Romantic Heroes. This means you're the good guys.  Not the 'troubled sort-of good guys' or the 'gray guys' or the 'anti-heroes' or anything like that.  You're the good guys.  End of story.

One of the players kinda missed that - thought his character might hunt down some fleeing bandits and kill them because of a flaw he has.  My brother warned him - he does that, he gets a Corruption point.  That's kinda a signal you're doing something wrong - you don't want any of those.  Well, the character went off, killed people, rolled, and got a Corruption Point.  Then found out just how shitty those things are.  Since it was the first session, my brother allowed him to step back and get a do-over.  He beat the bandit and dragged the guy back to the camp as a captive.

Yeah, the game rewards you being big damn heroes, and it punishes you to hell and back if you start doing evil shit.  We're good guys, act like it.  I didn't make a kill bot, or someone who wiped out the enemy in the first round or blew everyone away or whatever.. because the game doesn't want that.

So.. anyway..

My boyfriend was invited into the game.  I was really looking forward to seeing what he was going to play, and my brother was curious too.  He makes interesting characters, and we were really hoping he'd make some kind of paladin, or something.

Didn't happen.

He wanted to make a "mage".  You know, spell-tossed.  But they don't have spell tossers in this game.  Not really.  "Adepts" are kind of close, in that they get some kind of animistic / shamanic / psychic kind of abilities, and those tend to take a heavy toll on the person.  So right out of the gate, things weren't going well.

Then, he got some shitty die rolls for his attributes, re-rolled, and got worse.  An offer was made for another re-roll so he could get, maybe, better than average, but he declined.  Well, okay - it isn't the end of the world, each time you level you can increase your attributes, so you can kind of build the direction you wanna go.  It isn't horrible - it just means your character's more of a normal person rising up to be the hero, rather than starting there.

So he came up with a cool idea.  You take an Adept, make it a character that can create and use psychic weapons, and there you go.  I could build an entire thing around that - in fact I did.  Her name was Lilith, and she was a psychic-knife using assassin.  Note 'assassin' there - not someone I'd use in Blue Rose.  Instead, I'd probably have made her a duellist - someone who defends the honour of others, because that's kind of the way the game runs, you know?

But he dropped the idea, saying if he was going to be using weapons, he might as well have made a warrior.  And.. isn't that kind of missing the point?

So he's not playing.

And it's kind of sad, because I think he'd have enjoyed the game if he'd let himself.  But he kept looking at the negatives, and not the positives.  You get to be a hero, you get to do good, and feel good about it, and there's not this moral ambiguity.  The game's not made for moral ambiguity.

You get to stand in the light, be the good guy, do right.  The game doesn't want you going around and killing people, you're trying to save lives, rather than end them.

A mage, using fireballs and lightning bolts and such isn't helping people in this setting.  It's hurting people.  And the game tells you this - it's in the setting, it's in the mechanics, it's part of the core of the game's very being.

And.. the game asked the players to make relationships - bonds with other people, whether they were other PCs, or NPCs or enemies or friends or whatever - to connect yourself to the people around you and to the world itself.. and that was apparently too hard.

So, it feels like he didn't even try.  That this idea of there being a world of light and goodness, and being a part of that, and striving to work towards that, of being connected to other people, in a positive way, from the get-go, was too much.

It's a shame.  Because when we got to playing, the ideals came out quickly, and it worked.  We were the heroes.  We saved the captives, and we didn't kill anyone.  The questions were asked:  'Were they forced to capture people?'  'Should we take lives?'  And those were the right questions.  And now that we have the captives, they get to wander off to prison, and then get put on trial.

If this were D&D, everyone would have been killed, and.. well, sure, it's satisfying to just kill everyone off, get the XP, and carry on - but this isn't D&D.   You don't just murder people - if they're breaking the law, you try to bring them to justice.  That's what makes us civilized.

And it was kind of cool.  I'm looking forward to the next session..

I just wish he was there with me.

Always something there to remind me.

Kit.

Usually, this blog is for the rest of Legion - a place for them to write about things important to them. But after something that just pulled up a bunch of memories, I felt I should write - since it's about them. You see, from time to time, I kind of like to think 'you know, I'm not as bad off as I thought'. I kind of hear Legion in the back of my head, but I can filter it out, and I can go around thinking I'm healthy and everything's fine. Then something happens, and I'm reminded that my existence, my 'sanity' is always at risk. That I'm on the razor's edge between being 'together', and having something else take over and leave me on the dust. It's those bad days that reminds me there's a reason my life is the way it is.

When I was younger - when I was first dealing with Legion as an active force in my life that I was aware of, there were triggers. I never really knew what would pull one or another up, and I didn't always have the tools necessary for dealing with it. There were a few members that would help, but we weren't used to the idea of something else wanting to pull itself up and take over, and the results were rarely pretty when it happened. Typically, it was Dark wanting control, but not always. Sometimes it was Sonic, sometimes it was Daryl, something... it was something deeper, and worse, and those were the really bad days.

It was hard navigating what was okay, and what wasn't. If I was a teenager at the time, I could have chalked it up to 'teen drama', but... it wasn't. It could be a song that would send me over. It could be some sort of interaction with someone that hit me the wrong way. It could be a lack of interaction, making me feel isolated. While we were trying to get used to one another, there were significant shifts in emotion, and that could get the ball rolling from 'I'm fine', to 'hold me down'.

I remember some of the events from the Year of Hell, and I have to admit, it's embarrassing - more so when I wasn't at my own house, in my 'safe zone'. If I lost control at home, I could lock the door, and let things run its course until I was okay. When I was at someone else's house? ... I have snippets of Cat's friends holding me down, thrashing around, trying to claw and bite and attack. I don't remember what set me off - like I said, the triggers were all over the place - and sometimes I wonder what these people thought when Dark or something else wanted free.

(I sometimes wonder if my friend Christine wanted to do an exorcism on me at times...)

But, sometimes I forget that this is still a risk. I remember listening to a song (for those interested, Gowan's "Moonlight Desires") at one point, dancing with Cat at a friend's house, and mentioning to her that the song was a bit triggering. It wasn't a bad song, there weren't any lyrics that were bad for me or anything - it was a combination of the music, the tone, the emotion in the song - it would set Dark off. And I remember dancing with her, and her arms around me, helping me to keep things together as Dark pulled itself up to the surface.

And I was thinking 'oh yeah, that song' as I was listening to it today, and then I felt Dark start clawing its way up to the surface again, and I was like 'what, still?'. It was a reminder - I'm not as 'healthy' as I may think I am - that this is still a thing - I have triggers, and they're not all mapped. It reminded me that Legion is still there, and not all of it is under my control.

I've noticed Sonic likes to peek out from time to time lately, to say hi to Cat, and get some attention. I wonder if I should take that as a warning - that the more instinctual members of Legion are more active than I might have thought - that there's something that's got them agitated, and I should keep a tab on things and see if I can fix it.

7th Sea - Thoughts on a Review

Kit Here,  I don't post often on this blog, it isn't really mine to use, but we're discussing a game that a few of us enjoy, and this is going to be lengthy.  Here we go:

There's a rather detailed review of 7th Sea that I think is worth reading.  The review, however, touches on a number of things I think we just don't see eye to eye about - and that's fine.  There's nothing saying we have to agree on everything.  However, 7th Sea is a personal favourite of mine, and I felt the need to address this review while giving my own thoughts on the new edition.

To Open

We came into 7th Sea from Legend of the Five Rings.  L5R is a game we've enjoyed from the start - and originally we hoped that 7S would be an expansion from the original L5R setting.  I was always curious about what lay beyond Rokugan, and I hoped that this game would answer the questions I had.  It didn't, but what it did provide was a fascinating world which was very familiar to me, while adding a unique twist to the setting.  7th Sea was an inspiring game, and I had a lot of fun with it.

Coming into 2nd Edition, there were a lot of things we hoped would be kept from 1st Edition, and there were some things we had very little interest in - we would take it or leave it.  Some things we enjoyed were the secret societies, the swordsman's schools, and the styles of sorcery.  Some of the things we did not enjoy as much were the Riliasciare (secret society) and the Syrneth (there just wasn't enough information on them to work with).

I've been in a handful of campaigns - on both sides of the GM shield.  Sophia's Daughters played a big role in two of the campaigns, and by far they're my favourite of the secret orders, though the Knights of the Rose and Cross are a close second.

Six Points

So, our author has six points that he brings into the review, and I'll touch on those before I move forward.  In fact, it's these six points which made me feel the urge to write my response.

• Setting changes that makes pirates make sense / archaeology should make sense, too.

I've mixed feelings about this. First and foremost, the pirates felt like a part of the setting, but didn't dominate the setting - and I was fine with that. If you wanted to play a pirate, there was a lot you could do with it. If you didn't want to play a pirate, there was a lot available.

As for pirates "making sense".  Well, how did pirates make sense during the 1600s to 1700s?  They sailed the seas, robbed people, sank ships, and did this for a number of reasons - whether they were working for a nation and attacking a rival nation, had personal rivalries, foiling trading organizations, or out of sheer desperation for food and money.  Any of these could fit into 7th Sea with ease.  The idea of the "pirate nations" was an interesting idea, where a group of pirates worked together towards a common cause, making something akin to a semi-anarchic nation, and I thought that was kid of cool.

The archaeology angle was a bit more problematic.  See, there was just enough information on 'who was around before' to give the GM some fodder, but there wasn't enough to help lay out what would be reasonable or unreasonable.  Little trinkets which do weird things?  Sure.  Ruins that could have any number of traps and tricks?  Sure.  But beyond that?  Err, can't help you there, really.  And I think that's just it - there was enough dangling of threads that it could interest people to go out and do this kind of stuff, but there wasn't enough to make it feel worthwhile.  Lost civilizations exist, but we didn't know enough as game masters to draw upon it without the worry of there being some severe contradictions later.

See, I kind of liked the lost civilization angle.  I had visions of the PCs exploring ruins, and running the risk of awakening a dire threat - or perhaps some evil NPCs think they've found a way to awaken the Bargainers to get some nifty stuff which will allow them to rule the world, and the PCs could try to stop this from coming about.  But... there wasn't enough information to really run with this, I feel.  As a GM, I like running my own stuff, but I kind of prefer having the information presented for me to use as I see fit.  Not enough information, and I'll just ignore it and run some other plot which doesn't involve it - and that's what I wound up doing.

• PCs being awesome, not just the shadow of badass NPCs.

And this is where I veer off from the author.  I made some seriously badass PCs in 7th Sea.  Were there people even more badass?  Of course.  When I make a new character, I expect them to be at the beginning of their game, not the top of it.  These are people who need to build on their reputation, to carve their way forward, and pick and choose their fights along the way.  And there need to be people they can look up to and admire, or look at as a foe they will one day defeat.

 As I've said in Shadowrun, "No matter how good you are, there is always someone better."

 My personal albatross was Giovanni Villanova.  I made a nephew of his, and my goal was to one day kill him, take over the family, then systematically take down the other leaders and establish a unified Vodacce under my rule.  That's a pretty ambitious goal, and Giovanni is one hell of a bad guy.  This wasn't going to be a plot that would come to fruition any time soon - this was something I saw as a possibility years down the line.  I needed to get my skills up, get allies, come up with a plan, and then see to it that I could take him down - hopefully in a duel to the death.  Giovanni was an inspiration.

As for being badass.  Well, you see, in one game, our characters encountered bete noir - evil dogs who could teleport.  One survived our encounter and escaped, and then began to plague us in the home of an ally.  So, I set up a trap, waited for it to show up, and had a fight to the death with it.  It was a harrowing, exciting experience, because my character was 'good', but I wasn't sure how good he was.  Coming out of that, I walked away clinging to life, and it was one of the most thrilling of encounters I have ever had.  My character was awesome.

But here's the thing.  A character doesn't have to be awesome because they have awesome attributes and awesome skills.  A character is awesome by how you play the character.  You can make someone who is a bit clumsy, who doesn't know much, who makes mistakes, and who is nowhere near as skilled or talented as the people around you.  But the character can still be an awesome PC.  He may come up with ideas which inspire the more clever PCs.  He may stumble into the wrong place at the right time to foil a plot.  NPCs may adore the character and see him as 'charming, but insignificant' and provide the group information they'd not get otherwise.  Over time, the character may develop, but it doesn't have to be a mechanical 'awesomeness'.

• Less Dumb Metaplot

Ah.  See, I'm of mixed feelings when it comes to metaplot.  On the one hand, I want to see a living, breathing setting - something that is evolving over time, and provides me with inspiration.  A good metaplot tells a story, and alters the setting over time, and I can use it as a backdrop of 'here's what's going on' while I run the game I want to run.  I might use some, none, or all of a metaplot, depending on how I feel about it, or I may veer drastically from it if the actions of the PCs alter things, and then just use what I want from what can be salvaged.  Regardless, I'm fine with this.

For example, in Legend of the Five Rings, the PCs broke the coup.  They sided with the Scorpion Clan, they got the Emperor-to-be killed, and Shoju the First took the throne.  The Clans all gathered around the city, preparing to take the Scorpion Clan down, the PCs went out and played peacemaker, and even got the Crab to sit out the war by offering them to 'observe'.  The Scorpion didn't ask for help, they simply wanted the Crab to see how the Scorpion fight - and everything was wrapped up by the idea of re-doing a Tournament to see who should take the throne.

Of course, this means that pretty much anything in the official metaplot after the coup needed to be looked over critically, and that's what we did.  The Clan Wars were very different, and some of the things in the books had to be adjusted or ignored.  Which is fine.

Meanwhile, you have something like Shadowrun, which also has a metaplot of sorts and moves forward, with technology adjusting over time, new things coming in, old things leaving.  We've clung fairly close to the metaplot in Shadowrun, and everything there's been usable to date.  When there's a new edition, the technology and setting suffers a sudden shift, but we've always rolled with it.

For me, "dumb" is subjective.  The metaplot in 7th Sea?  I don't find it dumb.  The revolution in Montaigne makes perfect sense, and I was looking forward to my character going in and trying to save as many people as possible.  The faerie war in Avalon?  Also made sense, and I wanted to see how that played out.  There were threads all over the sourcebooks, and I was looking forward to seeing how some resolved, and others didn't, and they would make for some interesting things happening in the background (or not background, depending on where the PCs were).

Some of these plots were game-changers.  The Montaigne Revolution was a huge one, and I wanted to see how that broke the setting.  With 2nd Edition, there's a sort of 'reboot' of sorts, and things are at their start.  A nation just did something revolutionary, and there's going to be ripples (I hope) from it, and I want to see these carry forward.  Sure, some people don't like that - but I'm always of the view that if you're making a game, taking things away is perhaps more harmful than leaving things in, and letting the GM decide whether or not to take it away.

• Things that make secret societies cool out of the box rather than leaving them to be surprises, whether good (Die Kreutzritter) or terrible (Daughters of Sophia)

An interesting thing.  I love the Daughters of Sophia, and I think Die Kreutzritter are cool.  Here's where we differ, obviously.  I do agree however, the secret societies need to be cool out of the box, but I don't mind the surprises from the sourcebooks.  The thing is, unless you want an incredibly thick Book of Doom, things need to be left out, and they can only get expanded in source books.  In L5R, you have the Way of the Clans and then the Secrets of the Clans, which deal with a lot of stuff about the different Clans which couldn't be in the main rulebook.  What's up with the Tattooed Monks?  Well, they're not going to put all that stuff in the main rulebook - but in a book about the Dragon Clan?  Sure.  Do the Scorpions have ninja?  Not going into the main rulebook.  How about the awesome power of the Phoenix Clan?  Sourcebook.

I'm fine with this.  I'm fine with some bare bones information in the main rulebook, and then adding on the extra cool in the sourcebook.  The one quibble I had when it came to 7th Sea was with the Knights of the Rose and Cross book.  You can't be a member of the order if you have Sorcery.  I'm fine with the rule - it makes sense in context - but it would have been lovely if they had mentioned that in the main rulebook.  That's the kind of information I feel needs to be in the rulebook.

Now, there's one secret society that I think was actually weakened by their sourcebook, and that was the Rilasciare.  See, I can handle 'anarchists' as a concept.  However, I can't handle 'kill anyone you think is a threat to your goals' and 'kill anyone in charge' as something heroes do.  These guys were not heroes - they were villains.  I think that was perhaps a problem with Die Kreutzritter as well.  Both of these groups had, as part of the order, this thing about killing people, and if you're playing a hero, simply killing people is Not Okay.

• No character build options predicated on “Suck now to be ok in 25 sessions or so!” (that is to say, the way swordsman schools were handled)

Again, I think this is a matter of perspective.  I made a very decent swordsman out-of-the-box, and I got a bunch of Advantages that would come into play as my character progressed.  He didn't rock all the socks, but he was pretty good.  The second character I made, I took three swordsman schools and a sorcery at character creation.  He didn't "suck" in the slightest, and in fact stood even with the other PCs.  I don't really get this idea of a PC "sucking".  The PCs are cool if you make them cool - and cool comes from a combination of mechanics and roleplaying.

• No forcing players to spend XP

I don't know about "forcing".  For me, the XP system made sense.  You want to unlock greater power, then you need to improve your game.  Want to progress as a swordsman, then you need to prove you've got what it takes for your teacher to be bothered helping you progress.

 This was where I think 7th Sea did better than L5R.  In L5R, you could progress in all your courtly skills, and your sensei would suddenly decide you should learn the next step in your school of bushido.  (Say what?)  In 7th Sea, you want your teacher to give you the next 'secret technique', you prove you're ready for it.

 This makes perfect sense.

---

Now That That's Out of the Way

When I walked into 2nd Edition, I admit to a degree of nervousness.  As you can see, I adored the first edition, and there were going to be a number of changes with 2nd Edition.  To some extent, I think most of my worries were unfounded, and this is very much going to be a lot of 'we'll need to see when the sourcebooks come out'.

That happens with a lot of new editions, so that's okay.

So, if you want to know the layout of the book and some of the finer details, the review I linked to is the place to go.  The detail he goes through is exhaustive, and I think that's good.  I'm more looking at this from the perspective of 'what do I see that's different, and how do I feel about it?'

Well let's look at character creation first.

The original system gave 100 points, with the option of maybe getting a few more.  My group offered an extra 25 if you filled out the questionnaire, which helped you get a feel for your character, and also gave the GM a boatload of hooks as well.

Anything you wanted to do came out of those points.  A swordsman school?  That's a bunch.  Sorcery?  A bunch more, including buying the bloodline to be able to pick it up.  Attributes, backgrounds, advantages, these all came out of your starting points.  Making a character involved coming up with a solid, tight concept, and then building around it.  Don't expect to rock socks at everything - pick where you want to excel, and where you're willing to start weak and build up.

My first character was a Vodacce swordsman.  So, I took Noble, I took Swordsman, and I picked a bunch of backgrounds and advantages to round that out.  My second character was a Son of Lugh, trained in the woods by mythic figures, and 'adopted' by the Lady in Red - a sidhe.  He had the claymore school, the brawling school, and the archery school, as well as the Son of Lugh sorcerous bloodline.  That character was weak in a lot of areas, but considering his background, it kind of made sense, and the XP he did get rapidly put him on stable ground, simply because raising everything from 1 to 2 is so cheap.  Once he got that footing, he started getting.... scary.

In 2nd Edition, you don't have points to spend all over the place.

Instead, you have your basic attributes, you pick your nation, and then you pick two backgrounds.  These backgrounds give you your starting skills (instead of buying skills), and your advantages (instead of buying advantages).  Consider them something akin to templates.

It's different.  The thing is, however, it works.  I was able to easily make my first character in 2nd Edition, and while he was missing a few specific quirks, it held to the core of who he was.  (Aristocrat / Duellist).  Can I make my second character?  Oh hell no.  Looking at what's available, there's nothing to go with the Son of Lugh style of sorcery.  I figured if I remade him, I'd simply remove 'archery' from his background - punching and swording would be his thing.  Without the school of magic, I'd be looking at "Pugilist" and "Duellist", perhaps.  He'd take a bit more work, I think.  Which is why I'm willing to wait until Sophia's Daughters comes out as a sourcebook.

The thing is, there's a lot of choice that comes with this new edition.  The templates are pretty to the point, and there's nothing saying you can't have the game master make a template to fit an ideal you have.  Really, it's "pick two advantages and five skills and a quirk", and put them together to fit what you have in mind.  There's a lot of excellent examples here, and there's a lot you can build on.

So, let's see.

I can take the Quirk from Orphan (put yourself in danger so someone else doesn't have to be alone), which kind of suits the character.  Boxer from Pugilist fits.  Duelling Academy from Duellist doesn't, because he never formally signed up (being a kid in the woods learning how to use a big sword from a mythical figure).  So, perhaps Hard to Kill would fit.  Then for Skills:  Athletics and Brawl from Pugilist, Intimidate and Weaponry from Duellist, and let's go Empathy from Orphan.

That suits him well.  Actually, looking at Knight Errant from the Glamour Isles background, I could see Sorcery and Boxer perhaps.  But we'll see what happens when the books come out in the future.

Skills

In the original 7th Sea, you would pick a 'Knack' and get a bunch of skills associated with it at 1.  In the new edition, you take your background and get 5 skills at 1, and they go up if they overlap.  It's not bad, really, it speeds up character creation and I think it's a big plush, since you don't need to fiddle with a bunch of math to figure out what you can do.

The dice system is pretty good too.  The original Roll and Keep could be a bit problematic if you had bad attributes, but the new system makes every die work for you, and that works well.  The rules about being a Big Damn Hero are also firmly in place, and I like that too.

This game is not 7th Sea 1E with a new cover.  This is a bunch of adjustments, world building, and a new way of looking at the game.  So far, I like what I see.  I'm a little tense, because I want to see what they've done with Avalon, Vodacce, and the Knights of the Rose and Cross, and Sophia's Daughters, which are the areas I loved the most in 1e.  However, John Wick's done a good job so far, and I really am looking forward to seeing where this goes.

Anger

Kit

Something's been wrong the last few days, and I think it's building up. I can't focus - even worse than normal. I can't keep my mind on just one thing. I can't get myself motivated to do anything. I feel depressed, and frustrated, and little things all seem to be adding up to try to make me angry. I'm upset with myself, I'm upset with the world around me, I just want to sleep all the time, and nothing seems to hold my attention or keep me entertained.

Every time there's a change in plans, I get frustrated. Every time there's a delay on something I want done, I get frustrated. Every time something seems to just not go my way, I get frustrated. And on top of all this, it almost feels like the world's conspiring to throw MORE of these things at me - like it isn't enough that things aren't going the way I want to, but that the world is LITERALLY doing things SPECIFICALLY to make my life more annoying.

And it's stupid, and it's crazy, and I'm trying to just ignore all of this and I can't, and it's pissing me off and Legion's getting antsy, and I just don't want to deal with this. I want things to be Okay, and I don't want to have to feel the worst parts of Legion start boiling up and I don't want to have another fit - it's been years since my last one, and I don't WANT ANOTHER ONE.

*curls up*

Disappointed

Christopher

Yeah, I don't post much here, because the blog's not normally for me.  But there's a lot I feel the need to get off my chest, and I think this is a better place to do it than anywhere else.

I'm angry.  I'm angry, and I'm disappointed.

The attacks in Paris were monstrous.  They were terrible.  There's no question about that, nobody who has any sense of humanity should question that.  But... that's not what I'm going to be talking about.  What I'm going to be talking about is how people are reacting to this, and how they are reacting to every single terrorist attack... no, wait.  That's a lie.  How they react to every single Muslim Extremist attack.

I dug in today and got involved in a few debates on FaceBook.  I learned a few things while I was doing that.  A few very important things.  Less than 2% of all terrorist attacks in the world are done by Muslim fundamentalists.  Less than 2%.  You know why you don't hear about the other ones?  I can guess.  They raise uncomfortable questions.  A guy in Norway kills Muslims in the name of Christianity and his country, and he gets labelled a Christian terrorist.  People freak out - how dare they call this person a Christian!  Christians don't do that!  Yeah.  They don't burn down black churches either (they do), or skin cats and hang them by the front door of pagans (they do).  Jews don't go into Palestine and burn down Christian churches (they do).  Buddhists don't try to kill Muslims (they do).  Asatru don't go beating on black people and spout racist slogans (they do).

But, if you point this out, you get the No True Scotsman argument.  "Oh, that's not a real member of our faith."  I won't apologize.  That's bull.  You don't get to dictate who's a "true" representative of your faith.  They say they're doing it in your name, then it's on you.

And you know what?  You shouldn't have to apologize for them.  If some Christian fundamentalist ass decides to burn down a church?  You don't have to apologize for it.  If some bastard decides to kill a doctor because he's doing abortions?  You don't have to apologize for it.  Why?  Because it was not your fault.  And that applies to Muslims.  They should not have to apologize for the actions of Muslim extremists.

Every group has its nut jobs.  Whether it's by religion, race, or nationality.  Somewhere out in the world, at any time, someone's doing something horrible - and you're associated with it by faith, race, sex, political leaning, wealth, or nationality.  Should you have to apologize for every wrong done?  No.  Of course not.  Then you shouldn't expect anyone else to have to either.  And you shouldn't be so damn smug and self-righteous if someone decides they will show sympathy, and actually say "I don't agree with what these people are doing".

ISIS.  People think that if we bring in refugees, that there's going to be secret members of ISIS there.  They're ignoring the fact that ISIS is killing Muslims.  Why?  Because ISIS wants there to be "us" and "them", and any moderate Muslims need to be killed.  And they'll continue to do terrorist attacks, because they want "not Muslims" to be united against Muslims.  They don't want cooperation and goodwill.  They don't want tolerance.  They want "us" and "them".  And every ass who doesn't want to help a Muslim because he might be a terrorist is doing their dirty work for them.  And, as I will point out earlier, less than 2% of all terrorist attacks are done by Muslim extremists.  But that almost never makes the news.  Because it raises uncomfortable questions.

---

Yeah.  This is really eating at me.  I'm disappointed in the... casual racism in my family.  I thank the gods I'm not walking that path.  But it's really starting to hurt me.  I don't want to hear them mixing up Sikhs and Muslims and thinking 'they're the same thing'.  I don't want to hear words like "raghead".  I don't want to hear "they should act like Canadians".  I don't want to see family dismiss the suffering of others, because of something as bloody stupid as "my tax dollars shouldn't go to them."  You don't get to put a price tag on someone else's life.  Do you have any idea how callous, how inhuman, how awful it sounds?

Imagine if you woke up one night, to see people in your own community kicking down doors, and shooting people they didn't think were "Canadian" enough, or "Christian" enough.  Imagine you didn't have a gun to defend yourself, or that if you even thought of going for it, you'd get shot.  Imagine this happened across the whole country.

There's now hundreds of thousands of people - being forced to live the way these people demand you live.  There's executions every single day.  The only chance you get is to grab anything you can, run for the border, and hope you and what's left of your family survive.

Now, imagine you get there, and they don't want you.  "How do we know you've not brought any of those Canadian terrorists in with you?"  "You're Christian?  We don't want you here."  "If you're going to be here, you have to act like we do."

How awful is that?

How awful is it to blame hundreds of thousands of people for the actions of a dozen people who are killing them?  How awful is it to paint these people with the same brush as the murderers?  How awful is it to demand they shed their identity, or to just dismiss them because ... well, what is it?

It's racism.  That's all it is.  It's "they're not us".  It's "I don't want to have to understand them."  It's a complete lack of humanity, of empathy.

I'm on my last straw.  I'm fed up.

I'm very, very disappointed.