Limited RAM

 Mark

People understand the spoon theory.  A person has only so many spoons to use up during a day on tasks, and different tasks - even things which you would think would be fun - use up your spoons.

We have a different problem.  RAM.

How much attention can be used doing what at the same time.

For example, Kit may be doing the following:

• Writing for a project.
• Listening to music to keep Bard entertained.
• Taking a short break to watch a YouTube video which interests me, Daryl, Troy, or Shawn.

This usually being:

•  The Lockpicking Lawyer (guy who picks locks on camera with ease)
• Pimpnite (Pokemon battles showing incredible strategy)
• Kicking Mustang (airsoft extreme sniper skills)
• CritCrab (RPG implosions)
• Legal Eagle (discussion of law in the USA)
• Color-R-Touch (showing off high-quality Transformers action figures).
• Death Battle (geek discussion and strategy)
• Epic Rap Battle of History (sheer amusement)

We've got very disparate tastes, and usually we take turns spending 10-15 minutes on one or two videos to entertain the masses before Kit goes back to work.

When one of us comes up for whatever reason, it takes up RAM.  If we're passive - in that we're mostly just looking over Kit's shoulder, and maybe tossing out a short text every 10 to 15 minutes, it isn't much of a problem.  We briefly interrupt his flow, do our thing, then fall back and let him get back into things.  He's used to this, so it isn't that much different than watching a video, or answering a FB post, or when one of us fires off something on Twitter.  It's a mild interruption, and then we're back to equilibrium.

The problem starts when one of us has to be up for more significant periods of time, or have to deal with something that requires time to think, interact, and focus.  Then we're taking up more RAM, and that will hamper Kit's ability to function.

For example, if 'someone is wrong on the internet', and we get engaged in a debate.  Kit has to stop what he's doing until we're satisfied with the outcome (or walk away in disgust).  Sometimes it's a collaboration, like when Kit writes one of his essays on some RPG-related topic because it's hit a point more than one of us finds important (there's at least three gaming geeks in here, and a number of us are also fascinated by human psychology, history, religion, storytelling, and politics, so there's a lot of fuel for the creative fires of essay-writing when it comes to gaming).

This who are very familiar with me and Samantha know we aren't usually up and talking with people online unless it's for something scheduled (like gaming), or we're explicitly asked for - a rare thing for me, I almost never get asked for (though that's recently changed).

And those people know that we're going to have gasps.  We'll say our bit, then step back and let Kit do what he's doing, then if we're responded to, we'll come back and talk a little more, then step back, and so forth and so on.

This makes the RAM pendulum swing back and forth between a low load and a high load.  And that's fine, we can handle that.  However, when it becomes a point where we're needing to be up more and be more engaged, then we're dealing with a high load.

To some extent, we can handle that.  One of us is up when Kit is up - Kit shuts down a lot of what he's doing, allowing us to do what we need to be doing, and that's it until we're done.  If it goes on for some time, Kit essentially gives up his day and plans on doing stuff later.

(Which could be 'watch YouTube', 'tinker a bit with an RPG idea he's got in the back of his head', or 'watch Samantha play Warframe' - something he does to unwind).

Having more than one of us up at the same time is a severe strain on resources.  We tried it in a friend's Pathfinder game.  I was playing, Samantha was playing, and Kit was in the back seat.  Except he wasn't.  He helped me with my character, but it was a significant strain for us to do this - and usually what would happen is Samantha would go quiet, and let Kit and I do things.  And when Samantha was being active with her character, Kit and I would retreat so she could do things.

This is usually what happens when Kit, Samantha, and I are involved in gaming.  I'll be quiet and let Samantha do her thing.  Then she goes quiet and lets me do my thing.  And we alternate back and forth.  To make things easier, though, lately, if Samantha's playing, we don't.  Kit lets her have her time.  It helps let her have time up - but it's been difficult, because the rest of Legion gets bored, and then looks at reading, or YouTube, or whatever, and that pulls RAM from Samantha, so she goes quiet.

This has become an issue recently.

Samantha has an SO.  This SO wants time with her during the day, and the two have gotten into a pattern of being active for a lot of the day if possible.  This uses a lot of RAM, so Kit's stopped most of his daily routine to allow for it.  Because he makes sacrifices like that.  This has also completely buggered our sleep schedule, since Kit wants to do things and unwind, and that means doing it at 3-5 in the morning, then passing out around 11-12 and sleeping until 4-5 at night, falling asleep again at 11 pm to 1 am or so, then waking up at 3 to 4 am again.

And now I'm a part of this.  I've been asked to be more engaged with one of my SOs as well.  That will basically redline our RAM.  Kit trying to do anything, while Samantha's trying to be engaged, while I try to be engaged.  Something has to give, because we can't function like that.  It would be like having Kit and Samantha and me all active with full characters at the gaming table.  It just won't happen.

And if we do the usual Samantha/me swap like we might do at the gaming table, then one or the other of us goes quiet for extended periods of time while the other's engaged.

And if Kit wants to do anything at all, we both fall quiet.

Shawn's solution is simple, but cuts to the bone.

No, we're not going to be active full time during the day.  Yes, we can engage with others, but there's hard limits.  We're secondary riders, we're not primary.  Anything that draws Kit's attention draws his attention.  We may not get the chance to say 'AFK' or or anything, we may be quiet for 15 minutes, or an hour, or four hours.  It happens.

In other words - the old status quo.

If we're wanted - come to us.  Don't wait for us to come to you.  We might.  Sometimes.  But it won't be the normal situation.  We need to be 'pinged' so we know to come up.  Why?  Because if Kit's in the zone, he's using almost all the RAM on whatever he's doing, plus entertaining Daryl and the others for short breaks while he relaxes and gathers energy.

The old status quo.

We'll be easier to get in touch with during the night - usually 9-11 or so, give or take.  Kit's less busy, there's less demands, and he's used to loosening the leash so to speak, so we can talk to people.  This will usually allow one of us up and active if we get pinged, and we can be more engaged.  For example, Kit may be talking to his friend (Samantha's boyfriend), Samantha may be talking with her girlfriend (not her SO for this example), and in between Kit may be running a game.  If Kit needs more attention on the game, though, he'll go quiet on his friend, and Samantha will go quiet as she focusses on her character's responses.

People who've been with us for at least 5 or more years are used to this by now.  There's no complaints or anything - one of them may 'poke' to get attention, but usually not, they wait to see if Kit or Samantha come back - and sometimes it doesn't happen.  One might wish a 'goodnight', and the other just goes to bed.

Now, if I want to talk with Kit's friend (since he's my friend too), Samantha will go quiet, and slip out for the night, letting me have my time.  She doesn't talk to anyone else, because three-way rapid swapping leads to headaches.

As you might imagine, all of this has been thrown into disarray.  We're trying to find a new status quo, which allows us to function without redlining.  And it's a work in progress.

Shawn, being the one with the keen insight, points out that we should go back to the status quo.  It lets us function, it's how we've lived for the last 25 years.  Those who are new to interacting with us just need to understand this and go along with it.  The problem is - if they're unhappy, and Kit or Samantha knows they're unhappy, it causes discord, and they try to adapt, even if it's to their detriment to do so.

If the other people can accept it, however.  'It is what it is'.  Then yes, going back to status quo would work out.  There needs to be a talk, and it needs to be concluded.

With all that said, Legion wishes you a Happy 2021.  Thank the gods 2020 is over.

Triage

 Samantha.

Fuck my life.

There's a good thing that happened.  I have another girlfriend.  She's awesome.  I love her.  But there is a problem connected to this wonderful thing.  We want to spend a lot of time talking to one another.  This is a good thing, I think.  I mean, my boyfriend and I haven't talked much - though we're doing it more, and my talking with my other girlfriend is sporadic normally.  The problem is, however, balancing.  One of my brothers now has, count them, two girlfriends.  And our other brother now has a serious writing job, and has a lot of staff working under him.  So now we're needing to juggle.

So we kind of have a list of 'tasks' which are juggled, and we need to figure out which ones are high priority and which aren't, and which need to be 'turned off', and... it's all of a thing.

Like, here's how it works as a list:

• Brother 1 and writing.
• Brother 1 and talking business on Discord.
• Brother 1 and talking to other group on Discord.
• Brother 1 and talking to third group on Discord vis-a-vis games being run.
• Brother 1 and talking to fourth group on Discord vis-a-vis other games being run.
• Brother 1 and game he's playing in.
• Brother 1 and his wife.
• Brother 1 and his family.
• Brother 1 and his in-laws.
• Brother 1 and checking FB and making / answering posts.
• Brother 1 and checking Twitter and making / answering posts.
• Brother 1 checking e-mail and keeping caught up.
• Brother 1 and unwinding by listening to music / watching YouTube.
• Me and group on Discord.
• Me and game I'm playing in.
• Me and other game I'm playing in.
• Me and boyfriend.
• Me and best friend.
• Me and girlfriend #1
• Me and girlfriend #2
• Brother 2 and girlfriend #1
• Brother 2 and girlfriend #2
• Brother 2 and best friend.
• Brother 3 and wanting to be entertained.

I'm probably missing some.  But at any given point 5-6 of these things are happening at the same time.  And the more of us up to handle it, the more strain there is.  The question becomes 'what is given higher priority' and 'which are dropped for now'.  And this becomes 'how many of us need to pay attention' and 'how many things do we need to pay attention to', and 'how much focus is needed for any given task' and 'how many things are pulling us away from focus' and 'how much sleep have we had' and 'how much energy do we have' and 'what time of day is it', and ...

Bleah.  It's a mess.  There's a lot of good going on, but we've only got so many ways we can let ourselves be pulled one way or another, and ... it's a balancing act and we're trying to deal with it and figure out how to spin the plates without it all coming down.

2015 - In With the New

Mark:  I had this urge to write tonight, and a few of us are also inclined to post our thoughts tonight.  I'll start, and let others put their two cents in as well.  This is going to be stream of thought, so if we seem a little disjointed, understand that while we want to talk, we have nothing specific in mind, this is going to be whatever comes to mind.

To begin with, I've been playing in a friend's Pathfinder game.  Well, to be perfectly honest, I share a character with Kit, and we take turns using the character as desired.  It really depends on who has the most focus, and what is going on with the game - though character advancement is my decision.  My sister, Samantha, is also playing, and she's been enjoying herself.

My friend Scott picked me up a book for Christmas, Night's Black Agents.  This is a game system that Kit is not familiar with.  I've been going through the book slowly, and even picked up a companion book for it called Mutant City Blues.  The game seems interesting, and I have no problem with the rules, so I feel it is time for me to try my hand at game mastering, instead of Kit.  This is new for me, but I felt it was time to try to do something.

Part of trying this is using our old city of Trois Portes.  Night's Black Agents is a vampire setting, where you are people who have to hunt vampires, once they've discovered you are aware of them.  Mutant City Blues is about a world where one in two hundred people have developed superpowers, and you're a member of the police force trying to keep an eye on things.

I've never game mastered before.  I've helped with Kit running games, but I'm going to try my best to be the one to do this.  We'll see how this works out, because I have time to get things done while Kit runs his D&D campaign.

Samantha:  A thing has been kind of gnawing at me for a few months, and I thought I'd talk about my life coming into 2015.  As some of you might know, mom had a bit of a falling out with Kit and Cat not too long ago.  Well, things are kind of settled, though not resolved.  During this time though, Shawn and I tried to talk to mom, to let her know what's been going on.  It didn't work very well, because she ignored both of us, and decided to talk to Kit instead of us - even when he had no desire to talk to her.

And that's rude.  I've talked to mom from time to time, though she doesn't really seem to notice, but I thought addressing her directly, we could finally talk with each other.  I'd e-mailed her, from my own account, in hopes she'd reply to me, but she didn't.

That kind of hurts, actually.  It feels like she wants to just dismiss me because she's uncomfortable with facing the fact I exist.  This reminds me of something I read a few weeks ago - a trans woman had killed herself, because her parents were putting pressure on her and ignoring who she was.  When she was buried, her parents used her male name, and put out an obituary with her as male.  Her school addressed her as a male.  Effectively, they were all saying they knew her better than she did, and that her views of herself were wrong.

This dismissal pisses me off.  And while not as severe as what this woman faced, I feel some parallel to it.  I'm here, and I wanted to talk to her.  And she effectively ignored my existence, as if who I am and how I feel doesn't matter - it doesn't exist in her world.

I think this is one reason we as a whole can identify with the trans community, and why we're willing to dig in our heels when it comes to arguing in favour of them.  While Kit isn't trans - he identifies as male, and in a male body, I guess I would be considered 'trans' in that I'm a woman in a man's body.  So, seeing trans women dismissed, derided, and bullied piss me off, and Kit, knowing what I have to live with, is willing to step forward and defend transgender men and women.

So let's see what else I can talk about!  Well, in 2014 I talked on a radio show a few times - it was a bit scary doing it, and kind of depressing hearing it.  My voice is nothing close to what I want to sound like, and so hearing it on air was .. gah.  Still, it was something.  The DJ I work with will be coming up in May we hope, so he'll be doing one of his shows up here.  He plans to stick around for 3-4 days, and will be showing up at CanGames.  That'll be cool.

And hopefully we'll be going to Cape Cod this year, and I hope my boyfriend can make it.  It's been about fifteen-sixteen years, and I want to see him.  It'd be a nice week, seeing Provincetown, showing him the sites, and getting a chance to relax.  We've got another friend who might be coming with us, and I think he'd love it too.  My grandparents are awesome, kind folk, and the cottage out in the middle of nowhere is perfect.  Trees, ocean beach, and lighthouses, and Provincetown not too far away to visit.  I really hope this works out!

An Experiment in Voice

Samantha:  I'm on Teamspeak.  Can you imagine that?  I was invited a short while ago to join up on TS with a friend or two who DJ on Guild Wars 2.  I was, as you might imagine, incredibly nervous about doing so, because Teamspeak uses voice.  Seriously.. me?  Talk online?  Hell no!

So.. I didn't use the microphone, but listened to people talk, and tapped away on the keyboard to talk to people.  The thing is - when you're on Teamspeak, you can multitask if you have voice.. so people were kind of doing other things, which made me talking to them a slow and difficult process.

So, after a week or two of this, I got annoyed and tried to find a program to alter my voice.. something I could use so I could sound outwardly the way I hear myself inwardly.  Nothing.  Everything I looked at either cost more money than we have.. or just didn't work.. or sounded bad.. or crashed when we tried to use it.  Needless to say.. I was kinda demoralized.

So.. finally, I talked with Cat.  My few friends offline can usually pick me out from anyone else when I'm up and talking, so I asked her how I sounded.  I know my voice is higher than Kit's, or Mark's (Mark's is lower than Kit's, we've noticed).. but do I sound.. well, not to put too fine of a point on it.. female.

Cat said I sounded fine.  She noted her mom gets mistaken for male on the phone at times (which of course pisses her mom off).. so I should be okay.  This.. well.. I was nervous as hell, but it was enough that I decided I'd just be myself and talk.

I was fucking terrified.

But, see, I had to do this.  I want to have friends, I want people I can talk to.  This was really important to me, because these were people I was hanging out with online, who were opening a door that I had always felt was closed, and were saying hey, we like you, come join us.

I don't get that kind of invitation.  Not really.

So, I turned on the microphone on the laptop, and walked in, and gave it a shot.  And.. it was okay.  The people who knew me didn't bat an eye.. and we talked a bit.  I didn't talk much, since the general topics of conversation were things I didn't know about - they play MMOs and games I don't, for example, but it was nice.  It felt like walking into a dance hall, and seeing people you know, and having them wave to you while you stick to the sidelines and wave back.  You're there, and that's a good start.

Someone asked The Question.. 'are you a girl?'.  So.. I took my second gamble.  One of my friends went 'oh boy', and I knew I didn't have to answer if I didn't want to.  But.. I knew some of these people, and this was the acid test.  Could I be accepted for who I was?  So.. I answered.  I explained who I was.. and what I had to deal with.  And.. it was accepted.  No questions asked.

It felt good.  I was able to be me here.  I could talk.  I could joke.  I could drop my smart-assed remarks and people would laugh, and it was nice!

(Fuck you, I'm allowed to say nice.  Kit's the one who's banned from that word.)

I don't go on often, but.. I'm making it more of a habit these days.  Go in, hang out a bit, talk, and slip out again.  It is .. pleasant.. being able to show up, and hear people be happy you're around.

And tonight, I was given a compliment.  Someone .. well.. I won't go into detail, but they said something that made me feel really good.  They know about me, they've heard me, and even with that disadvantage, I was given a wonderful compliment.

I'm happy.. and sad.. at the same time.  I'm happy that I have these friends, and I'm sad about the limitations I still have, preventing me from being free.. but .. it's still good.  I'm still smiling, even through the tears.

Mark:  I've been watching Samantha go through this, and I'm happy for her.  This has taken a lot of courage, considering her personal fears and physical limitations, and having a group that supports her I think is something she needs.  Hopefully, this will let her come out of her shell more.  Our condition is harder on her than anyone else in our group, so giving her the opportunity to make friends and interact with others is important.  I was admittedly wary of her coming out like this.  I'm glad to see my concerns were not necessary.

Spiritual Journey

Samantha here,

Mm, I tried writing something, but I didn't like how it sounded.  I'm kinda not in the writing mood, but I did want to say my thoughts on a matter.  So I deleted the whole thing, to start over.

Kit's registered with a Shinto shrine.. specifically, the one in Seattle that's got a shrine to Ame no Uzume no Mikoto.. the goddess of the dawn and celebration.  Kinda a funny story here.. my friend Paul was running a Scion game - this is a game where you play the offspring of gods.  I decided to make a daughter of Ame no Uzume.. who takes her role as a shrine maiden / priestess of her mother quite seriously (and is also a doctor, but that's not entirely relevant to this story).  Paul set his game in Seattle, because he kinda likes the place, and I thought that was cool.  Then I found out there's a Shinto shrine just north of Seattle.  Then I find out it's a shrine to Ame no Uzume. Then I found out she was, essentially, the first shrine maiden.  Isn't that cool?

Anyway.. after all that, I've felt a bond with Ame no Uzume no Mikoto.  I want to go to Seattle, and I want to kneel in front of her shrine, and pray to her.  I want to feel.. something.. a part of something.  Kit's now an actual, official Shinto follower, and I want to be too.  He's hoping to visit Seattle - and I've been pushing for that extra hard.  I want to go there, I want to talk with the high priest .. he seems an awesome fellow.. and I want to see if there's anything he can do for me.

And I want a shrine to Ame no Uzume to bring home, so I can talk with her, too.  And hopefully, I can be enshrined myself.. not as a part of Kit, but as me, myself.  It feels important.

Kit had an argument with mom about this kind of thing, actually.  She doesn't understand, and Kit couldn't really tell her that a part of it is my needs, either.  She doesn't understand what I go through, and the doubts and the worries I experience.  Kit's got a bit of a worry about his impending mortality, but it's worse for me.. what happens to me, to Legion, to my brothers and my sister when he dies?

It's something I'm not comfortable with.. and I'm hoping, maybe, somehow, visiting the shrine and talking with the high priest, may give me some answers.. let's hope, right?

Yeah, I think this sounds a lot better than what I was saying before.

Mark:  This isn't something I've really thought about myself.  I'm not a spiritual person, not like Kit, who takes religion Very Seriously, or Samantha, who feels aimless and needs some sort of assurance that she's not doomed to simply vanishing upon death.  In some ways, I find the concept of death as something that I may welcome - a release from my duties, you might say.  At death, I'm free.  Will I have an afterlife?  Will I simply cease to be?  I don't know, and it doesn't bother me that much.  Do I get upset when someone I care for passes?  No, strangely enough, I don't.  I mean Chris was broken up when Minou died, he gets upset when a family member dies, and he still is sad about the loss of Kitty, and Samantha was upset herself, and gets scared and antsy any time there's a death, and the loss of Minou caused Daryl to completely lose his shit, but I don't really feel these things.  Death isn't something I'm worried about.  I don't know why, but there you have it.  I guess, perhaps, because I don't get much of a sense of living, I'm in a waiting state of sorts, so perhaps that's what it is.  I don't have, I feel, much to lose in death, because there's not much that I have gained.  When I die, those who know me may be upset, but I think it will be upset at the total loss, not of me, myself.  After all, when Chris dies, so does Legion.  And I think most people will be more in mourning about losing Chris, than of Samantha, or Daryl, or myself.  This is worse for some of the others, because they don't have the connections that Chris or Samantha has - who will mourn Bard?  Or Dark?  Shawn, or Sonic?  Guardian, or Claudia?  We exist, some stronger than others, but there will not really be anyone to mourn us, because nobody truly tried to get to know us as individuals.  Instead, it was more a matter of knowing Chris, then knowing us through him.  And I'm willing to accept that.  When the time comes, I will go, and that will be it.  I don't see a reason to fear death.  I have so little to lose.

From the Inside

Mark

I'm not one to talk much, but since my sister's decided I should actually make a proper journal entry, I'll make one here for the sake of peace. My name is Mark, having borrowed Kit's middle name and taken it for my own. Apparently, mother had been undecided on 'Christopher' or 'Mark' being his name, and decided Mark would make a good middle name. So there you have it.

I'm Kit's more serious half. I tend to look at things from a darker point of view. Perhaps I'm just more cynical, or who knows what, but I don't have the 'joy of life' thing that Kit does. A number of Legion has taken a back seat in the last couple of years, not being necessary for Kit's survival (and sanity), and I've taken up some of the slack given by Guardian in the last few years. He's still there, sort of as a second in case something serious happens, but he's handed most of it off to me now. I'm fine with that.

In a few ways, I'm Kit's enforcer. If there's things he's not capable of doing, he hands it off to me to do. This involves being the bad guy from time to time, when he knows he'll be too soft in a confrontation. I've been asked why I do this, and the answer is pretty simple. I don't care if people don't like me.

Honestly, I've got nothing to lose. I've a very few people that I can call friends, and even then I come as a distant second fiddle to people like Kit and Samantha. I'm not normally asked for, and I'm more of an afterthought than anything else, so really why should I care if people don't like me? Maybe in some ways, it is better to be hated than ignored.

I think that's enough. There's very little point to me going on in depth about myself, since there's not much to say. I'm here, I do what I need to do. My life sucks, but it is the only one I have, and I'm willing to accept that. Maybe my next spin on the wheel of karma will go better, maybe not. We'll see.