In the Way

Samantha

Nothing ends the day like feeling like you're an inconvenience in someone else's life. Being reminded how much you have to depend on others just to be able to have anything resembling a normal life - being able to do normal things.  Being more than just an afterthought.

Everyone who actually thinks about me as me lives in another province, or another fucking country. The people around me? If I disappeared for a few months, I doubt they'd even notice. Hell, I could probably fall off the planet and I think maybe one person might notice, because that one person actually takes the time to reach out and talk to me from time to time.

I pointed out my little brother, Daryl, is neglected all the time. When he does come up, he's met with behave or no. The kid can't get a break, because there's nobody who's really interested in the same things he's interested in, or has the time to just sit down and play with him and talk with him.  He's got a few toys now, but they 'take up space' and have to be put away for more adult things, so he gets discouraged and just ... stops playing.

Really.  I just want a stable relationship, and friends who see me for me, not as a +1 to Kit's life.  I want to be able to go do things with friends, without feeling like I'm being a burden for simply existing and wanting things.

And I was having such a good weekend, too.

Green Eyes

Samantha:

Alright, I admit it. I'm jealous. I'm jealous as hell. I'm so incredibly jealous it isn't funny. I'm the jealous type, and I know it.

And I'm not going to do a damn thing about it, because I have no fucking right to. Of course I've got the right to be jealous, but I've got no right to do anything about it, or to give grief, or to upset the ones involved in this.

Because, really, it wouldn't be fair. I want them to be happy, to enjoy themselves, to be a wonderful couple together. They both deserve that oh-so-much, and damn but it's about time fate gave them a break (for entirely different reasons).

But damn I'm upset. I had an opportunity for a brief period of time - even tentatively had a 'thing', but they weren't ready and changed their mind and I respected the fuck out of their decision because that's the kind of woman I am.

But that hurt, then. And this hurts, now. And I'm going to suck it up and cope, since it's the right thing to do.

Don't look at me, you don't want to see me this way...

 Samantha

Fuck.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

On the one hand.. I'm really glad for them. I want them to be happy. I want their life to be good. I want the best for them. They deserve it so very much.

On the other hand.. losing something I was looking forward to, before I even had the chance to experience it.. that hurts.

And I don't want to be selfish.

I ... just wanted someone I could hold, and feel close to, and who'd be there for me and I could be there for them. I wanted that intimacy (not sex, sex was never on the table), and by the goddess she was so adorable. She was ephemeral and bright and ethereal and fun and...

And not mine.

And I want to cry. I'm trying not to. Because crying means I'm not celebrating that she's found someone. She deserves this happiness, and I don't want to be selfish.

I mean, yeah. I've got the long distance thing. That gives me ... some emotional support, and can make me happy ... but I want someone who's there, who I can hold onto, who sees me and acknowledges me, and wants me.

And the chances of me getting that are so, so slim. And it isn't like I've got lot of time to find someone.

She was... perfect, you know? Perfect in so many ways. I felt a kindred there.

I want her to be happy, I'm glad she's going to be happy.

I just wanted to be the one to make her happy.

Limited RAM

 Mark

People understand the spoon theory.  A person has only so many spoons to use up during a day on tasks, and different tasks - even things which you would think would be fun - use up your spoons.

We have a different problem.  RAM.

How much attention can be used doing what at the same time.

For example, Kit may be doing the following:

• Writing for a project.
• Listening to music to keep Bard entertained.
• Taking a short break to watch a YouTube video which interests me, Daryl, Troy, or Shawn.

This usually being:

•  The Lockpicking Lawyer (guy who picks locks on camera with ease)
• Pimpnite (Pokemon battles showing incredible strategy)
• Kicking Mustang (airsoft extreme sniper skills)
• CritCrab (RPG implosions)
• Legal Eagle (discussion of law in the USA)
• Color-R-Touch (showing off high-quality Transformers action figures).
• Death Battle (geek discussion and strategy)
• Epic Rap Battle of History (sheer amusement)

We've got very disparate tastes, and usually we take turns spending 10-15 minutes on one or two videos to entertain the masses before Kit goes back to work.

When one of us comes up for whatever reason, it takes up RAM.  If we're passive - in that we're mostly just looking over Kit's shoulder, and maybe tossing out a short text every 10 to 15 minutes, it isn't much of a problem.  We briefly interrupt his flow, do our thing, then fall back and let him get back into things.  He's used to this, so it isn't that much different than watching a video, or answering a FB post, or when one of us fires off something on Twitter.  It's a mild interruption, and then we're back to equilibrium.

The problem starts when one of us has to be up for more significant periods of time, or have to deal with something that requires time to think, interact, and focus.  Then we're taking up more RAM, and that will hamper Kit's ability to function.

For example, if 'someone is wrong on the internet', and we get engaged in a debate.  Kit has to stop what he's doing until we're satisfied with the outcome (or walk away in disgust).  Sometimes it's a collaboration, like when Kit writes one of his essays on some RPG-related topic because it's hit a point more than one of us finds important (there's at least three gaming geeks in here, and a number of us are also fascinated by human psychology, history, religion, storytelling, and politics, so there's a lot of fuel for the creative fires of essay-writing when it comes to gaming).

This who are very familiar with me and Samantha know we aren't usually up and talking with people online unless it's for something scheduled (like gaming), or we're explicitly asked for - a rare thing for me, I almost never get asked for (though that's recently changed).

And those people know that we're going to have gasps.  We'll say our bit, then step back and let Kit do what he's doing, then if we're responded to, we'll come back and talk a little more, then step back, and so forth and so on.

This makes the RAM pendulum swing back and forth between a low load and a high load.  And that's fine, we can handle that.  However, when it becomes a point where we're needing to be up more and be more engaged, then we're dealing with a high load.

To some extent, we can handle that.  One of us is up when Kit is up - Kit shuts down a lot of what he's doing, allowing us to do what we need to be doing, and that's it until we're done.  If it goes on for some time, Kit essentially gives up his day and plans on doing stuff later.

(Which could be 'watch YouTube', 'tinker a bit with an RPG idea he's got in the back of his head', or 'watch Samantha play Warframe' - something he does to unwind).

Having more than one of us up at the same time is a severe strain on resources.  We tried it in a friend's Pathfinder game.  I was playing, Samantha was playing, and Kit was in the back seat.  Except he wasn't.  He helped me with my character, but it was a significant strain for us to do this - and usually what would happen is Samantha would go quiet, and let Kit and I do things.  And when Samantha was being active with her character, Kit and I would retreat so she could do things.

This is usually what happens when Kit, Samantha, and I are involved in gaming.  I'll be quiet and let Samantha do her thing.  Then she goes quiet and lets me do my thing.  And we alternate back and forth.  To make things easier, though, lately, if Samantha's playing, we don't.  Kit lets her have her time.  It helps let her have time up - but it's been difficult, because the rest of Legion gets bored, and then looks at reading, or YouTube, or whatever, and that pulls RAM from Samantha, so she goes quiet.

This has become an issue recently.

Samantha has an SO.  This SO wants time with her during the day, and the two have gotten into a pattern of being active for a lot of the day if possible.  This uses a lot of RAM, so Kit's stopped most of his daily routine to allow for it.  Because he makes sacrifices like that.  This has also completely buggered our sleep schedule, since Kit wants to do things and unwind, and that means doing it at 3-5 in the morning, then passing out around 11-12 and sleeping until 4-5 at night, falling asleep again at 11 pm to 1 am or so, then waking up at 3 to 4 am again.

And now I'm a part of this.  I've been asked to be more engaged with one of my SOs as well.  That will basically redline our RAM.  Kit trying to do anything, while Samantha's trying to be engaged, while I try to be engaged.  Something has to give, because we can't function like that.  It would be like having Kit and Samantha and me all active with full characters at the gaming table.  It just won't happen.

And if we do the usual Samantha/me swap like we might do at the gaming table, then one or the other of us goes quiet for extended periods of time while the other's engaged.

And if Kit wants to do anything at all, we both fall quiet.

Shawn's solution is simple, but cuts to the bone.

No, we're not going to be active full time during the day.  Yes, we can engage with others, but there's hard limits.  We're secondary riders, we're not primary.  Anything that draws Kit's attention draws his attention.  We may not get the chance to say 'AFK' or or anything, we may be quiet for 15 minutes, or an hour, or four hours.  It happens.

In other words - the old status quo.

If we're wanted - come to us.  Don't wait for us to come to you.  We might.  Sometimes.  But it won't be the normal situation.  We need to be 'pinged' so we know to come up.  Why?  Because if Kit's in the zone, he's using almost all the RAM on whatever he's doing, plus entertaining Daryl and the others for short breaks while he relaxes and gathers energy.

The old status quo.

We'll be easier to get in touch with during the night - usually 9-11 or so, give or take.  Kit's less busy, there's less demands, and he's used to loosening the leash so to speak, so we can talk to people.  This will usually allow one of us up and active if we get pinged, and we can be more engaged.  For example, Kit may be talking to his friend (Samantha's boyfriend), Samantha may be talking with her girlfriend (not her SO for this example), and in between Kit may be running a game.  If Kit needs more attention on the game, though, he'll go quiet on his friend, and Samantha will go quiet as she focusses on her character's responses.

People who've been with us for at least 5 or more years are used to this by now.  There's no complaints or anything - one of them may 'poke' to get attention, but usually not, they wait to see if Kit or Samantha come back - and sometimes it doesn't happen.  One might wish a 'goodnight', and the other just goes to bed.

Now, if I want to talk with Kit's friend (since he's my friend too), Samantha will go quiet, and slip out for the night, letting me have my time.  She doesn't talk to anyone else, because three-way rapid swapping leads to headaches.

As you might imagine, all of this has been thrown into disarray.  We're trying to find a new status quo, which allows us to function without redlining.  And it's a work in progress.

Shawn, being the one with the keen insight, points out that we should go back to the status quo.  It lets us function, it's how we've lived for the last 25 years.  Those who are new to interacting with us just need to understand this and go along with it.  The problem is - if they're unhappy, and Kit or Samantha knows they're unhappy, it causes discord, and they try to adapt, even if it's to their detriment to do so.

If the other people can accept it, however.  'It is what it is'.  Then yes, going back to status quo would work out.  There needs to be a talk, and it needs to be concluded.

With all that said, Legion wishes you a Happy 2021.  Thank the gods 2020 is over.

Triage

 Samantha.

Fuck my life.

There's a good thing that happened.  I have another girlfriend.  She's awesome.  I love her.  But there is a problem connected to this wonderful thing.  We want to spend a lot of time talking to one another.  This is a good thing, I think.  I mean, my boyfriend and I haven't talked much - though we're doing it more, and my talking with my other girlfriend is sporadic normally.  The problem is, however, balancing.  One of my brothers now has, count them, two girlfriends.  And our other brother now has a serious writing job, and has a lot of staff working under him.  So now we're needing to juggle.

So we kind of have a list of 'tasks' which are juggled, and we need to figure out which ones are high priority and which aren't, and which need to be 'turned off', and... it's all of a thing.

Like, here's how it works as a list:

• Brother 1 and writing.
• Brother 1 and talking business on Discord.
• Brother 1 and talking to other group on Discord.
• Brother 1 and talking to third group on Discord vis-a-vis games being run.
• Brother 1 and talking to fourth group on Discord vis-a-vis other games being run.
• Brother 1 and game he's playing in.
• Brother 1 and his wife.
• Brother 1 and his family.
• Brother 1 and his in-laws.
• Brother 1 and checking FB and making / answering posts.
• Brother 1 and checking Twitter and making / answering posts.
• Brother 1 checking e-mail and keeping caught up.
• Brother 1 and unwinding by listening to music / watching YouTube.
• Me and group on Discord.
• Me and game I'm playing in.
• Me and other game I'm playing in.
• Me and boyfriend.
• Me and best friend.
• Me and girlfriend #1
• Me and girlfriend #2
• Brother 2 and girlfriend #1
• Brother 2 and girlfriend #2
• Brother 2 and best friend.
• Brother 3 and wanting to be entertained.

I'm probably missing some.  But at any given point 5-6 of these things are happening at the same time.  And the more of us up to handle it, the more strain there is.  The question becomes 'what is given higher priority' and 'which are dropped for now'.  And this becomes 'how many of us need to pay attention' and 'how many things do we need to pay attention to', and 'how much focus is needed for any given task' and 'how many things are pulling us away from focus' and 'how much sleep have we had' and 'how much energy do we have' and 'what time of day is it', and ...

Bleah.  It's a mess.  There's a lot of good going on, but we've only got so many ways we can let ourselves be pulled one way or another, and ... it's a balancing act and we're trying to deal with it and figure out how to spin the plates without it all coming down.

I'm being a bitch.

Samantha

Got into an argument with Cat.  She cut me off, so I decided to write it out and give her the link to read whenever she gets around to it.  I'm pissed off, so I decided to let off both barrels.  That being said, I also laid out my reasoning and my points.

I just decided not to be nice about it.  Right now, I don't think I need to be nice.  I think I need to be honest, to the point, lay out my argument, and be direct and cruel.  And yeah, I was cruel.  I felt that I was justified on that point.  Let Kit be the saint.  I don't need to be.

Why?  Because seriously, I feel Kit's being taken advantage of, more often than not, but I keep my mouth shut about most of it - since he asks me to.  But this crossed the line.  She can have Kit help her, and he will, because he's nice like that.  Kit can make sacrifices, because he sees this as 'this is what you do for a relationship'.

But you know what?  I'm not married to Cat.  And if I have the means to go enjoy myself, and it uses my own resources, I should be allowed to do so.  I don't think anyone has the right to guilt trip me over it.  Because why the fuck should I be forced to sacrifice my happiness when it's so rare that I get this kind of opportunity?

Yeah.  I know I'm a drain on Kit's resources - that he spends money on me, that I don't have that much restraint.  I'm fully aware of it.  His argument is that I have limited opportunities to enjoy myself, so he gives me a bit of leeway, and when I go over the line, he gets frustrated.  I get that.  But this is not that.  This is, 'here you go, you have this window to be you and have fun'.  And I know the limits that are put in place concerning this.  And I know what I want.

Like I said.  He's a saint.  And sometimes I feel he doesn't deserve me.  But this isn't that.  This is him giving me a chance to have fun and be me.  And to do so without hurting the household at all.  And I'm pissed that Cat wants to take that away from me.

So yeah.  I wrote everything out.  And I was cruel about it.

So be it.  I'm going to be the bitch, because Kit doesn't like being cruel.  She can read it if she wants, or not.  If it makes her cry, I'm gonna feel like shit.  But ... hey.

"I can't talk about this now."

"Then when can we talk about it?"

"I don't know!"

Which means, it never gets talked about.  Because it's a confrontation.  And there's never a good time for a confrontation.  I'd say it's better to get it out of the fucking way.  You know, that whole 'don't go to bed mad' thing.  But whatever.  She gets to sleep, I get to stew.  Fair, right?

Visit From Montreal

Samantha:  My girlfriend from Montreal visited this weekend - came in Friday, staying until Monday.  She had a bit of drama back home, and this was a good chance for her to unwind during her visit.  You might notice I say girlfriend.  Things have changed for her back home, and I'm quite happy to get the chance to use that word.

Her visit's been pleasant.  We hung out a bit Friday, and went drinking at the local sports bar.  By drinking, I mean she and my sister in law and my roomie got drinking - I had my usual Shirley Temple.  The desserts I ordered wound up on the house, and we got gift cards for free wings on our next visit.

Saturday was seeing Deadpool 2, which was an interesting film.  Then we showed our Lego Ghostbusters firehouse, and she sat down and started assembling it.  I didn't know she liked Lego, but it was fun watching her put it together.

Sunday?  She finished the firehouse while we napped.  We went back to the sports bar for the free wings, and a screw up resulted in another free dessert for me. And when we got home and digested, I got to have some fun.

It's been a relaxing, happy weekend for me.. and this has been a very pleasant experience.  Looking forward to seeing her in July, when we go to TennoCon.

There's Always Complications

Samantha

I've kinda stopped playing Guild Wars 2.  There was a lot of drama - not with me, but in general.  People I was hanging out with kind of went away, my guild was barely being represented, and things kind of fell apart.  The people I wanted to go run around with already did the material, so it was rehashing for them, or weren't really that interested anymore.

So it stopped being fun.  Kit's the person who's okay running around all by himself and seeing things, I'm the person who wants a group of friends to hang out with and chat with while I'm running around with them, the group of us seeing new things, and sharing the experience of exploring.  I mean, this is kinda what I did in Guild Wars 1 - I had a group, we met up once a week, and we pushed through the storylines, seeing what was going on.  When I got into GW2, it kinda fell apart, people went their own way, or stopped showing up at all.  I had to make a new group of friends for the game, and.. well, that didn't last long.

This whole thing with 'you can be in more than one guild' sucked.. because there were bigger guilds, more active guilds, guilds who had dozens and scores of members and who got all the 'good stuff', and.. left me with nothing.

Going into Warframe, we've got a bunch of new players coming in, or people who've not played in awhile and are just really getting into it again now.  Michelle's Clan had two members before I joined, and now I think we're close to 10 or so.  There's a few people on through the day, and we can team up and do stuff and chat on Discord while we're running around - and it's fun!

There's two people I was hoping would really get into it - enjoying something that I enjoy.. but.. yeah.  There's complications.  They're both pretty laconic when it comes to groups, fading into the background unless you specifically talk to them.. and one doesn't enjoy groups that much, while the other one's got.. reservations.. about the Clan because of certain dynamics.

They're both kinda important to me - I want them to have fun in something I'm enjoying.  I want to do things with them.  But it looks like that's not really going to happen.  So I'm conflicted.  I could spend less time doing something I'm enjoying to hang out with them - even if it means doing things less fun, or I can try to drag them into this.. knowing they're not having fun.. or I can spend less time with them, feeling bad about enjoying something without them.

And it all sucks.

A part of me is also worried that the 'new game' shine is going to fade for the people I'm hanging out with, leaving me abandoned again.  Typically, when this starts up, I'll be the first to bail - go find something else to do to distract me from feeling alone when things get complicated.  I don't want to do that to Michelle though, so I'll stick around.. but I'm worried I'm going to get hurt again, that I'll look around, and the people I was hanging out with have all gone to do something else.

:<

All I want is a game, and friends I care about who play the game with me, and us having fun.  Why is it so hard to find something so simple?

Life in the 80s

Kit
The 80s.
So, Stranger Things 2 is coming to Netflix.  I watched the first one, and it hit my 80s vibe so much.  There were a few things that I was disconnected from - living in Calgary is completely different than living in the USA.  But there was enough that hit home for me.

Back behind the Mobil home I lived in was a bunch of dunes we called the 'dirt tracks'.  This was dug out dirt that wound around the region - undeveloped land.  I'd go there with my friends, bike around the dunes, play with our action figures, and do jumps off this one space which was perfect for that.  Two or three or more of us would line up on one side, and someone would shoot down one side, up the other, and sail over us.  It was cool.  There was a pond with salamanders there as well, and we'd catch them, and let them go, or try to raise them if we could get an aquarium.

My mom and dad didn't want me in the house that much.  I'd go out, spend the entire day wandering around, doing what I wanted to do.  Sometimes this was hanging out and playing Dungeons and Dragons (hey!  like the kids in that show!) on someone's front porch or in their house.  Sometimes it was out to the 'dirt tracks', sometimes it was down at a friend's place, almost an hour's walk away, or a trip to the swimming pool, which was almost two hour's walk away, or sometimes it was to the closest shopping mall, well over two hour's walk away.

I didn't tell my parents where I was going usually - as long as I was home for supper, it was okay.  And if I was out after supper?  Home by 8-9 pm.  Not, you know, that I really paid that much attention to that.  I was sometimes late for dinner, and sometimes out a bit too late at night.

Some people talk about the tension in the 80s.  I never saw it.  Then again, I was naive as all hell.  There was this threat of nuclear war - but that worry was distant - in the back of my mind, as something that 'probably isn't going to happen'.  I didn't worry about it, I had other things on my mind.

So... here's where things get interesting.
If you know me... and if you've been paying attention, you know about Legion.  And, while I was completely unaware of them, they existed back then and went about their existence as best they could without me being aware.

We built entire mental scapes in my head for them, and what I thought was just 'hey, imagination!' was them doing things to enjoy themselves.  'What if this was real?'  'Let's set it up so this is going on', and other stuff.  They'd then inhabit what was built, and just entertain themselves.  It... was distracting.  Or, if I'd be going someplace, they'd swap me out, let me enjoy the stuff built into my head, and take over, enjoying the scenery as I walked from one end of Bowness to the other.

I think to some extent, they also protected me from the worst that was out there.  I can't tell you where the tipping point was.  I just know sometime - between Grade 3 and Grade 7, there was a change.  I went from 'me' to 'we'.  Or... maybe it was even before that, but... I don't think so.

My fights with Kyle?  Not always me.  It was probably Mark who chased Kyle down the street to defend our friend Brent.

The person who stood their ground for half an hour or more against a would-be-bully, laughing at the thought of seeing what this guy could do?  Not me.  Probably Shawn.

The person who threw themselves at a student in Jr. High, without any thought of who the person was, or personal safety?  That was Dark.

The person who *almost* clocked a teacher in the back of the head for insulting us in front of the whole class?  Probably Shawn - and THANK THE GODDESS I stopped him before it happened.

But these were also the people who kept me company when I was alone at home.  I wasn't allowed company over, so if I wasn't outside, with friends, I was alone.  So they kept me company.  We'd play with my action figures together, giving them names and personalities.  They'd help me work out ideas in my head - thinking about distant places, or 'what ifs'.

I just didn't know it at the time.  But then, I didn't have any point of reference - I thought everyone talked to themselves, and heard themselves answer in other voices.

Daryl was there - my younger brother.  Immature, impulsive.  There was Sonic as well, who ... well, admittedly, was very, very strange.  Bard was there, playing constant music in my head (though these days, it sometimes sounds external, too.)

I wonder what it would have been like if I knew who they were.  If I realized 'I' was 'we'.  I honestly don't know, but I'm kind of sad I didn't get to acknowledge my brothers (and sister) when I was a lot younger.

---

I remember some of the girls I hung out with and knew at the time.  I had no idea how to deal with women except for 'hey, it's a person I know, and I shouldn't treat them differently than anyone else - except no hitting.'  Initials go here. RL, MB and CL, J? and SD, RB and PG.  And of course, there was the woman who lived across the street from me - I don't remember her name, but... seriously.  I was 18, and she was well into her 20s, and what the hell did she see in me?

There's things I remember from my time in Calgary about them, and some of these things... I don't think they remember.  RL didn't remember when I'd hurt her feelings, but I feel glad that I was able to call her up and apologize.  Seriously, when someone's model-level attractive and you have no idea how to even comprehend they're in the same airspace as you... yeah.  I shouldn't have teased, but I didn't have any idea what to even *think*.  I still have a soft spot in my heart for Bluehawk.  She's shown up a few times in my D&D games.

CL triggered my ASMR one evening.  Sitting in a semi-dark room, laying backwards from one another (head-at-ankles), and she just started running her hand along my shin and ankle.  I mentioned that was relaxing, so she kept doing it.  There was nothing sexual about it - we were just talking about things, and then my brain switched off because OMG that was relaxing.  I could have sat there for hours, just talking, half-out of focus because it was so soothing.

Which reminds me - one time on the school bus, some girl behind me started stroking my hair.  My brain simply shut off, and I enjoyed the entire bus trip in a trance.  To this day, I've got no idea who it was - but whoever it was?  Thank you, that was ... bliss.

My friend Neil, at one point, found a letter from MB to BM - her boyfriend.  I got to read it briefly, and... you know?  I was a bit amused at what was said - but on some level, I got it.  She liked him, and that was fine.  I didn't mention this to anyone, because as far as I was concerned, it was private.  I was naive, sure, but... these were friends, and I saw no reason to tease them over a love-letter.  MB did me a favour once, though it was weird.  I'd never had a girlfriend, and she was sitting in BM's lap.  So, I asked if she could sit in my lap.  She did... and it was interesting.  I was like 'huh, okay, so this is a thing'.  It didn't get my hormones revved, but it explained some things to me, and ... I'm actually grateful.

J? and SD.  Two girls I seriously liked.  Those two girls were the ones who set my 'type' for the next decade.  J had almost-red hair, SD was blond, and ... while I didn't know them that well, they were kind of a 'night and day' for me.  SD was petite, and J was a touch tomboyish, and I was drawn to them for those reasons.  SD ... barely tolerated me, which is okay, because she wasn't cruel or anything.  J... I actually got the guts to ask her out once - and got shot down.  But she was nice about it - a simple 'no, sorry', and that was that.

RB.  My 'girlfriend'.  In that a common friend of us ours set us up as a pair.  Considering I knew nothing about how to handle a relationship, I... was okay.  We went out on a date once (to see Rooftops.  I won two tickets from Much Music).  That was fine.  We played RPGs together.  I kind of wish she didn't smoke.  And we never did anything really 'coupley' until my 18th birthday.  She put her arms around me, and I had NO IDEA how to react to that.  And ... I moved away that month, to Ottawa.  She wrote me, once.  I lost the envelope with her return address - then the letter from her disappeared.

That's my last regret for Calgary - that I have no idea where she is, how she's doing, and I never got the chance to write her back and say 'thank you'.  I hope she's doing okay.

PG.  She's on my list of 'solid friends'.  I hung out with her and her brothers, we played D&D and other games, and she was a solid friend.  I liked her, enjoyed hanging out with her, and while sometimes I was a brat, she was nothing but nice to me.  Heck, she let me sit in her room and read her Amethyst comic collection (which was kind of cool, honestly).  She was, at the time, the ideal of the 'platonic girlfriend'.  She's the person who pretty much trained me that 'you know, you can have friends, who are girls, and ... that's okay'.

---

The 80s were strange.  Complex in a lot of ways that I didn't understand, and incredibly simple in other ways.  It was like, my personal space was simple.  Life for me was simple.  But there was so much going on that I simply couldn't comprehend - I wasn't a part of it, it didn't touch me, and that was okay.

I remember someone having broken the wing of a seagull when I was in high school.  I went out, captured it in my sweater, put it in a box, went through class with it, and then took it to a wild animal clinic downtown with another student.

Had no idea who that student was, but she sat with me on the bus, helped me get it to the clinic, and that was that - never saw her again.

I remember my Phys Ed high school class, where a student suplexed me so hard it knocked the wind out of me.  That Christmas, my Phys Ed teacher (as Santa) brought me down in front of the entire school during assembly, sat me on his lap, and gave me a 50 pack of MUSCLE action figures as 'bodyguards'.

I laughed.  It was great.
Then I went home and wrote a wrestling-based RPG, because that's how my mind worked.  And then I sold it to my friend David for $10 before I moved to Ottawa.

Then I wrote it again.  Tweaked it a bit.

---

Things were not as fun or simple once I got to Ottawa.  Moving into a new house, not knowing anyone, trying to find a niche in high school where nobody knew me.  The stress my parents were going through, and me just not knowing how I 'fit' anywhere.

Rod was probably the greatest thing to happen to me, when I moved into Kanata.  Cat was the greatest thing to happen to me once I met her.  Rod was an anchor - he grounded me, and was the brother I needed.  Even when he moved away, he kept in touch with me, and I needed that.  When he moved back to Ottawa, it was great, we picked up as if we'd never parted ways.

---

Is there a point to this?  No, not really.  Just... I've not done this in a long, long time.  Just writing, and writing, and writing, letting my thoughts flow out.

It feels good.  But I should stop.

Goodnight.

I'm home!

Samantha:  Well, I'm back from Montreal, and while there were some frustrations, overall, it was a wonderful trip, and I hope I can do this again!  The experiment was both a success, and a failure.  It was a success in that, yes, I was able to be in control through the entire week without complication.  Kit was a bit of a jerk though - there were some things I didn't want to do, but he was all like 'well, you're in charge for this week, so you get to do those things I would normally be doing for you'.  :<  I tried some Nair, to see how it would work for me.. and the answer is 'not very well'.  It might have been because it was the 'gentle' version, and we might need a stronger version.

So, the bad thing.  Well, I was trying to have fun with my partner, and everything was set up and while I was nervous I was excited to try out some new things.  However.. when I'm active, certain parts of our anatomy 'doesn't exist' for my awareness unless specific attention is paid to them.  Even then, it doesn't feel normal for me.  Well, that disconnect prevented me from being able to.. umm.. 'perform' in the required fashion.  I tried, and.. well, nothing really came from it.  It was frustrating, and a bit depressing.  So yeah, learned something new:  'Samantha's enough of a woman that she's not able to do this kind of thing'.

Let's see, what else can we talk about?
Well, yeah.  Wednesday, made it to Montreal, hung out with my friends, and got along well with my partner's significant other.  They were cool, and we had some similar interests, so we got to chat about that.  Thursday, I took my partner to see Spider-Man - and screwed up getting the tickets.  I got them for the wrong theatre.  So that became a more expensive trip than we'd hoped.  Got to wander downtown, and went to McGill university, and enjoyed the farmer's market there.  Also went to the 'gay district', and enjoyed wandering around and taking pictures too.

Friday was 'the experiment', and.. well, like I said.  It didn't work out like I'd hoped.

Saturday, my partner had to go out for dinner with their significant other.  It was a bigger affair than they'd expected, and ran late.. and I was lonely as hell.  And apparently, the medication we're taking for our moods - St. John's Wort - isn't working as well as we'd hoped, because I crashed hard.  And I've noticed we're reacting to some things a lot harder than we expected to.  This isn't good.  We may need to either up the dosage, or get the hard stuff, and we kind of wanted to avoid getting the hard stuff.

Sunday, we went to a 'munch', where people with a certain interest were able to gather and talk about stuff, knowing they have a common interest, and being able to be normal around one another.  After hanging out for awhile, it was time to go home, and I kinda slept and rested on the bus ride home.  Once home, Kit took over, and went to the Loon and Arrow with Cat.  The serving girl was awesome, and it was a pleasant wrap to the trip.

So, looking forward to another trip to Montreal.
Looking forward to spending time with my partner.
Looking forward to seeing what I am capable of, and what we can do together.

Why Does It Have to be Complicated?

Samantha:

I'm going to enjoy myself.  I have to.
I'm heading to Montreal for a few days to see someone, and I'm looking forward to it.  It isn't 'Kit and Cat are going to Montreal', it's me.  Kit's giving me some time for myself - a few days - and I can spend it with someone I care about.

But there's complications.
See, a few days ago, we were discussing things we'd be doing while I was visiting, and some of them were.. well.. personal in nature.  They hit a lot of my fun buttons - and while I was a bit shocked and shy about it, I was like 'oh, this is going to be interesting!'

And I was thinking 'I get to spend a bunch of days alone with her!'

And.. while it's true.. it isn't completely true.
There's going to be one day where her boyfriend's going to be staying over.  And if I came earlier - which had crossed my mind - there'd be a few days where he'd be there, saying over.  Which means I'd be in the living room.

Not with her.
I don't think I'm ready for that.  I can probably deal with one day like that.. but not multiple days. And on the weekend, she's going off to his parent's place with him.  I won't be going.  And I'm going to have to deal with that.

I'm the 'on the side' in this relationship.  As much as I don't want to be.  But I have my limitations and she has her limitations.  Different cities, different needs, that kind of thing.

That.. kind of took the air out of this some.  I do want to go, and I do want to spend time with her, but I've also tried very hard to ignore that there's another relationship involved.  I keep on thinking 'oh, this is that guy, her friend' - not 'this is her boyfriend, who she has a relationship with'.

And.. it makes me think of the stuff we talked about a few days ago, and suddenly, I'm wondering 'do they do that kind of thing?'.. and a part of me is worried that 'yes, they do', and a part of me is going 'you really don't want to know the answer, in case it's 'yes'.'  And.. the fact it might be yes, kind of makes me want to cry.

*sigh*

Light, not Shadow.

Samantha:  So, my brother's starting his first Blue Rose game.  He owned the 1st edition for quite some time, and he's been looking forward to the 2nd edition game ever since he saw it coming out on Kickstarter.  For those who don't know - this is a Romantic Fantasy game - you play Romantic Heroes. This means you're the good guys.  Not the 'troubled sort-of good guys' or the 'gray guys' or the 'anti-heroes' or anything like that.  You're the good guys.  End of story.

One of the players kinda missed that - thought his character might hunt down some fleeing bandits and kill them because of a flaw he has.  My brother warned him - he does that, he gets a Corruption point.  That's kinda a signal you're doing something wrong - you don't want any of those.  Well, the character went off, killed people, rolled, and got a Corruption Point.  Then found out just how shitty those things are.  Since it was the first session, my brother allowed him to step back and get a do-over.  He beat the bandit and dragged the guy back to the camp as a captive.

Yeah, the game rewards you being big damn heroes, and it punishes you to hell and back if you start doing evil shit.  We're good guys, act like it.  I didn't make a kill bot, or someone who wiped out the enemy in the first round or blew everyone away or whatever.. because the game doesn't want that.

So.. anyway..

My boyfriend was invited into the game.  I was really looking forward to seeing what he was going to play, and my brother was curious too.  He makes interesting characters, and we were really hoping he'd make some kind of paladin, or something.

Didn't happen.

He wanted to make a "mage".  You know, spell-tossed.  But they don't have spell tossers in this game.  Not really.  "Adepts" are kind of close, in that they get some kind of animistic / shamanic / psychic kind of abilities, and those tend to take a heavy toll on the person.  So right out of the gate, things weren't going well.

Then, he got some shitty die rolls for his attributes, re-rolled, and got worse.  An offer was made for another re-roll so he could get, maybe, better than average, but he declined.  Well, okay - it isn't the end of the world, each time you level you can increase your attributes, so you can kind of build the direction you wanna go.  It isn't horrible - it just means your character's more of a normal person rising up to be the hero, rather than starting there.

So he came up with a cool idea.  You take an Adept, make it a character that can create and use psychic weapons, and there you go.  I could build an entire thing around that - in fact I did.  Her name was Lilith, and she was a psychic-knife using assassin.  Note 'assassin' there - not someone I'd use in Blue Rose.  Instead, I'd probably have made her a duellist - someone who defends the honour of others, because that's kind of the way the game runs, you know?

But he dropped the idea, saying if he was going to be using weapons, he might as well have made a warrior.  And.. isn't that kind of missing the point?

So he's not playing.

And it's kind of sad, because I think he'd have enjoyed the game if he'd let himself.  But he kept looking at the negatives, and not the positives.  You get to be a hero, you get to do good, and feel good about it, and there's not this moral ambiguity.  The game's not made for moral ambiguity.

You get to stand in the light, be the good guy, do right.  The game doesn't want you going around and killing people, you're trying to save lives, rather than end them.

A mage, using fireballs and lightning bolts and such isn't helping people in this setting.  It's hurting people.  And the game tells you this - it's in the setting, it's in the mechanics, it's part of the core of the game's very being.

And.. the game asked the players to make relationships - bonds with other people, whether they were other PCs, or NPCs or enemies or friends or whatever - to connect yourself to the people around you and to the world itself.. and that was apparently too hard.

So, it feels like he didn't even try.  That this idea of there being a world of light and goodness, and being a part of that, and striving to work towards that, of being connected to other people, in a positive way, from the get-go, was too much.

It's a shame.  Because when we got to playing, the ideals came out quickly, and it worked.  We were the heroes.  We saved the captives, and we didn't kill anyone.  The questions were asked:  'Were they forced to capture people?'  'Should we take lives?'  And those were the right questions.  And now that we have the captives, they get to wander off to prison, and then get put on trial.

If this were D&D, everyone would have been killed, and.. well, sure, it's satisfying to just kill everyone off, get the XP, and carry on - but this isn't D&D.   You don't just murder people - if they're breaking the law, you try to bring them to justice.  That's what makes us civilized.

And it was kind of cool.  I'm looking forward to the next session..

I just wish he was there with me.

I wasn't dumped.

Samantha.

So, that's a thing that happened.  I had a friend I'd see online on Friday and Saturday nights for 'dates'. In that we'd roleplay, make characters, interact, and fuck like rabbits.  The sex was fun, we tried all sorts of interesting things - but that wasn't the only part of it.  It was the roleplaying.  The world building.  Making a place, giving it consistency, and looking at it as well.  Setting up scenarios, and trying out new things, and going places.  It was exploring boundaries, and being able to do that with someone.

And my friend would make characters for me to meet.  I didn't make as many.. she was mostly having fun seeing how I reacted to things - and every now and then I'd make a special evening for her to relax and enjoy herself.  The more recent one was taking her character to see an aquarium, look at the fish, and I was using one of my favourite fictional cities for this - expanding a bit on the 'mythology' behind our stories.

So.. yeah.

Tonight, she came on, and I was thinking about what to do - but she had news.  Tonight was her last night.  She decided she needed to leave the MUSH - to leave online RP for good.  No more dates.  No more hanging out.  It hurts.  Her reasoning behind this was solid - and I can't blame her for it - but it still hurts.

See.. it means the characters I made - the characters she made - they're in limbo.  They're not going anywhere, they're abandoned.  And I feel for these 'people'.  Their stories have come to an end, no happy ending, no ending at all.  And that makes me sad.

Thank the goddess she took the time to come see me and let me know.  Thank the goddess she agreed we could talk on e-mail from time to time.  Because .. well.. it's so much better than what I'm used to.  Where the person I decided to get close to just disappeared on me without a word - to never speak to me again.  To not know if they're okay or not, to not know what's going on, or why they left.

At least it isn't that.

So.. small blessings.

But it hurts.

Mismatched.

Samantha.
I don't know what to say.
Well, let's start from the beginning, I guess?  A few years ago, I met a woman at a convention.  I was immediately struck by her.  She was interesting, she was intelligent, there was something to her I was attracted to.  Sadly, she had some trouble then, and it cut short us getting to know one another.  But we touched base and we became friends.

She became sort-of-kind-of my girlfriend.  But there were problems.  Me, being a part of Legion, was one of them.  And.. well.. life isn't fair, is it?  But yeah, I understood the problem, and I accepted it as much as I could.

Then she got a girlfriend.  Who became her fiance.  And I liked this person, and we got along well, and I wished for my friend to be happy.  So, I played nice, and just accepted my place, and was very happy for them.  But then tragedy happened, and she lost her fiance.  And I felt crushed by that, and tried my best to be there for my friend.

And when she recovered(ish, because how do you really recover from that), she looked for someone who could help her - to meet her needs.  And I get that.  But I wanted to be her girlfriend again, and be there for her.

And recently, she came over to visit, and we snuggled, and talked, and I told her 'I love you'.  I'd never said that before to her, and it surprised me when I said it.  And she admitted she couldn't say that back to me - not that way.  And it hurt, but I accepted it.

So, today, I found out she's in a relationship.  And I know who the person is in passing - having never met them face to face.  But this time, it hurts.  It hurts so much.  And on one level it hurts more because that person has.. well.. things I have.  But she's accepted that, when it makes a barrier for her with me.

And I can understand, because there's so many other issues involved with me.. but it still hurts.  I want her to be happy, though, she deserves that.  I just wish she could have been happy with me.

A Sea of Tears

Samantha:  I thought it couldn't get worse.. how stupid could I be?

We had to put Neko to sleep almost three weeks ago.  Then Mau was put to sleep last Monday.  And I thought this was rock bottom, wasn't it?  It couldn't get worse.

My girlfriend contacts me.. she found her fiancee dead yesterday morning.  We don't know how she died, but.. goddess.. that's beyond words.  I wish I could rush to Montreal and be there for her.. but she's got friends, and that's something.  I'm contacting my sensei to make an offering for this.. but it hit a little too close to home for me.

Her fiancee.. my friend.. was like us.  She was both "Jace" and "Akiria".. and I've talked with both of them.. in fact, when Jace was having to first deal with Akiria, she came to me to help her understand what was going on, and how to cope.  I got along well with both of them.. and now they're both gone.

And while my girlfriend has said her farewells to both.. I think most people will overlook Akiria.. and this is a fear I feel for myself as well.. if we pass on.. will it be Kit that most people remember and say goodbye to, and will the rest of us be overlooked?  So I've asked my sensei to say prayers for both of them.

Goddess.. too much.

On the Outside, Looking In

Samantha:  It has been quite some time since we posted, hasn't it?  Well, not much we can say - life doesn't change much for us.. but Merry Christmas to our readers, and I've got some things to talk about tonight.  I'm not going to name names, and I'm going to shave details, because this is a personal issue.. so sorry if you're not gonna get the information you'd usually get from us.

You see, a friend of ours may have been diagnosed with something similar to what we have.  There's been no final diagnosis, but they've got a lot of stuff we recognize going on with them.  Where we are able to chat among ourselves and work together, they've not got this luxury.  Their siblings are cut off, preventing any real communication.  Kit's been asked to help with that - in that he's been asked what to do, and he's offered some advice (such as leaving notes for each other so the siblings can communicate), but tonight, our friend switched - and that sort of freaked out their partner since normally the sibling comes up when there's some sort of crisis.

And, see, they were having a good day, so a sudden switch could be a bit off-putting - especially if the only other time you'd met this other is during a crisis.  I sat down with the sibling, talked things out, and explained what I thought was important:  1) communication with the prime individual.  You're a guest, after all.. a permanent one perhaps, but a guest.  2)  find out if there's any others.  Each person is an individual, and you need to know who these people are, and if they're safe.  Or, as Kit mentioned during a chat earlier - if you're going to see a doctor, they want to know if (a) you're a danger to anyone else, and (b) if you're a danger to yourself.  In much the same way.. everyone in the collective needs to know if everyone else is safe, and what triggers or limits there are.

For example, Shawn.  He's a bit of a prick - he gets under people's skin, and he's good at it, but he's not a danger, and we know why he's like that.  He hates.. well, social niceties.  He hates playing games where people dance around problems and try to wave off other people's faults.  He's used this with surgical precision on Kit and the rest of us at times, which forces us to take hard looks at ourselves, but he's not a danger to us or anyone else.  Dark, on the other hand, is a weapon.  He's there to take down threats to us or those we care about.  He's dangerous, and we are well aware of that.  So, if he's coming up when he is not needed, we are prepared to prevent this.

But our friend isn't used to this.  They've not been in this kind of situation for years, and haven't developed the kind of mechanisms needed to control this kind of thing.  So, we were kind of glad to notice that their primary 'other' was a 'knight' of sorts - there to protect the host as necessary.  This is good - we can talk to a person like that, and help lay out rules.  Communication.  Awareness.  Discipline.  And they understood.  Which is good.

The other thing is - they're not sharing certain bits of information.  Passwords, whether or not medication has been taken, etc.  This is Bad.  So this needs to be worked on.  The first thing we did was try to teach how to get in contact with a sibling and bring them up (or, if necessary, push them down).  This worked - which surprised me.  I mean, we were suggesting techniques we used over a decade ago, when we were new at switching who was running the host.  So.. we were suggesting techniques we didn't know would work - I mean, a lot of it is mental jiujutsu.

But it worked, our friend came back up, and we explained everything in a nutshell.  So there's some relief there.  However - their partner's a bit freaked out, and we can't blame them.  Finding out your significant other has in-house siblings can be a bit of a shock.  I mean, their partner's used to us, but even we came as a bit of a shock.  Having this happen again, and a lot closer to home, can be hard.  They're confused, and we sat down with them and talked a little.  Hopefully it will work out.

But this is kinda new for us.. being on the outside, trying to help someone like us cope with this development.  And it's kinda hard for us, because a friend of ours now has to try to deal with a partner who's suddenly gone plural.  Well, we'll try to be there for both of them, but.. it's going to be a slow, learning process for us as well.  Wish us luck.

New Relationship Energy

Samantha

It has been a while, hasn't it?  There's a lot I could talk about but I thought it would be best to talk about this specifically.  It might seem a little disjointed, but my feelings are all over the place and I'm not entirely certain how to describe what's going on.

Last month, we went to a convention.. it was the first furry convention we'd been to in over a decade.  It was a pleasant experience overall, no question there.  But at the convention, I met someone who I found myself attracted to.  Now, I may be an incredible flirt online, but Real Life is something else entirely.  Still, I was interested, and they accepted (mostly) my interest and returned it.

After we got home, I talked with them a little online, and we became (kind of) a couple.  This is good and all, and she showed up two weeks later to hang out with me for a little while.  She lives in another city, so our visits are going to be infrequent - but they're close enough that I'm reasonably happy.

The thing is.. having a relationship where I get to hang out with the person in person has made me acutely aware of my limitations.  Physical limitations.  Social limitations.  I'm physically not who I want to be, and currently I'm .. very unhappy with myself.  I have to share space with the rest of Legion, and then there's Kit's relationship with Cat, with the obligations which that warrants.

Tonight, she's visiting, and we had a bit of a talk about this.  She has someone who she has a deep interest in, but who isn't accepting a partner.  However, they hit it off very well, and I came up as part of the conversation (there's a lot of backstory here which we're not gonna talk about because it's private - just accept that (1) there's someone else, (2) there's a strong connection between these two people, (3) I'm okay with it).  This woman mentioned she didn't think my girlfriend should have me as a girlfriend - because she thinks my girlfriend deserves a whole partner.

I'd be more upset, except that I understand.. and agree.  It's the same with Scott.  When I heard a girl was interested in Scott, I accepted this and wished him the best with it - because I feel he deserves someone who can be there for him, all the time.

Don't kid yourself.  I am upset.  In the 'I am doing my damndest not to cry' level.  During our discussion tonight, I forced myself not to cry, and also forced myself to stay up and not let someone else take over so I could just go down and sleep.

The thing is, I can understand all of this.  I don't have to like it, but.. really, I'm aware of my limitations, and what I can and can't offer.  She understands too, and she told me that, while she accepts the advice that was given to her, she's willing to 'wait and see'.  I'm glad for that.. I hope things can work for us, in spite of the limits that exist.

I don't know.. I want to make her happy.. but I know there's things missing.  Hell, just being in this relationship has made me acutely aware of my physical flaws.. I'm afraid to take off my shirt around her, because seriously, who wants to look at my chest?  I mean, I guess I can see what Cat sees in Kit.. but the best I can say is 'he's okay for a guy'.  But for me?  I feel.. hideous..

The best I can do is suck it back and not let it bother me overly long.  Focus specifically on my ideal self, and try to make due.  Because, really.. that's all I have to work with.

Wish me luck.