The "Problem" With Diversity

Interview with Patrick Stewart:
Q: Did they hold your baldness against you?
PS: That came up at the very first press conference. A reporter asked Gene Roddenberry, "Look, you know, it doesn't make sense, you've got a bald actor playing this part. Surely, by the 24th century, they will have found the cure for male pattern baldness." And Gene Roddenberry said, "No, by the 24th century, no one will care." It was one of the nicest things that have ever been said about men like me.

In a perfect world, diversity wouldn't be an issue. It would be accepted that people can be different, and there's nothing wrong with being different. That's the goal -- that people can be different and celebrate that difference, and it wouldn't make even a ripple in society -- you could celebrate with them, or just go about your life.

But here's the problem.  It's the difference between small-c conservatives and small-l liberals, but it's a very significant difference. With conservatives, conformity gives a feeling of safety / security. The people around you are like you, hold the same values, the same interests - that's 'secure'. Small-l liberals are a bit more open to things being different - the people around you aren't always like you, and can even be different - but it doesn't trigger that insecurity as much.  Does it go away completely? Of course not - everyone has their tolerance limits.

But that security thing is the big thing.
A 'fight or flight' instinct kicks in once in awhile when a person feels threatened - so a person with a strong conservative mindset runs into something which challenges their values or mindset - which doesn't 'conform' to what they feel is 'right', they try to either retreat from it, or they attack it.

And that sucks.

And to note: You can be Liberal and still be conservative. We've got relatives like that. For example, they'll comment on a person's tattoos, or hair colour / style, or their clothing, or whatever - when it's not their business. They act Liberal in a lot of other ways - but diversity is the hard one for them to swallow. "Well, yes, black people should have equal rights, but do they have to act so black?"

And our response is 'why does it matter to you?' Should you charge rent for that living space in your head you've built for them?

The thing is, that mindset -- that feeling challenged by people not acting the way you want them to act, or looking the way you want them to look -- it's very hard to 'fix' that. Part of it is education, part of it is acclimation -- but that's only part of it.

Education is: This is who they are, this is what it means to be them.
Acclimation is: They can be themselves in public, they can celebrate their culture and lifestyle. This is normal.

The big problem is this: that doesn't get rid of it. That only quietens it down. You see that from when Trump came to power. All those people who would normally stay quiet or internalise their dislike were suddenly free to speak out and act out and push back.  It went from 'flight' to 'fight'.

There's no real cure for this, that we can think of. Education and acclimation, is all we can do. The rest is up to the individuals -- they don't have to like it (though that would be nice) but they need to accept it's normal to be different.

In the Way

Samantha

Nothing ends the day like feeling like you're an inconvenience in someone else's life. Being reminded how much you have to depend on others just to be able to have anything resembling a normal life - being able to do normal things.  Being more than just an afterthought.

Everyone who actually thinks about me as me lives in another province, or another fucking country. The people around me? If I disappeared for a few months, I doubt they'd even notice. Hell, I could probably fall off the planet and I think maybe one person might notice, because that one person actually takes the time to reach out and talk to me from time to time.

I pointed out my little brother, Daryl, is neglected all the time. When he does come up, he's met with behave or no. The kid can't get a break, because there's nobody who's really interested in the same things he's interested in, or has the time to just sit down and play with him and talk with him.  He's got a few toys now, but they 'take up space' and have to be put away for more adult things, so he gets discouraged and just ... stops playing.

Really.  I just want a stable relationship, and friends who see me for me, not as a +1 to Kit's life.  I want to be able to go do things with friends, without feeling like I'm being a burden for simply existing and wanting things.

And I was having such a good weekend, too.

Green Eyes

Samantha:

Alright, I admit it. I'm jealous. I'm jealous as hell. I'm so incredibly jealous it isn't funny. I'm the jealous type, and I know it.

And I'm not going to do a damn thing about it, because I have no fucking right to. Of course I've got the right to be jealous, but I've got no right to do anything about it, or to give grief, or to upset the ones involved in this.

Because, really, it wouldn't be fair. I want them to be happy, to enjoy themselves, to be a wonderful couple together. They both deserve that oh-so-much, and damn but it's about time fate gave them a break (for entirely different reasons).

But damn I'm upset. I had an opportunity for a brief period of time - even tentatively had a 'thing', but they weren't ready and changed their mind and I respected the fuck out of their decision because that's the kind of woman I am.

But that hurt, then. And this hurts, now. And I'm going to suck it up and cope, since it's the right thing to do.

Limited RAM

 Mark

People understand the spoon theory.  A person has only so many spoons to use up during a day on tasks, and different tasks - even things which you would think would be fun - use up your spoons.

We have a different problem.  RAM.

How much attention can be used doing what at the same time.

For example, Kit may be doing the following:

• Writing for a project.
• Listening to music to keep Bard entertained.
• Taking a short break to watch a YouTube video which interests me, Daryl, Troy, or Shawn.

This usually being:

•  The Lockpicking Lawyer (guy who picks locks on camera with ease)
• Pimpnite (Pokemon battles showing incredible strategy)
• Kicking Mustang (airsoft extreme sniper skills)
• CritCrab (RPG implosions)
• Legal Eagle (discussion of law in the USA)
• Color-R-Touch (showing off high-quality Transformers action figures).
• Death Battle (geek discussion and strategy)
• Epic Rap Battle of History (sheer amusement)

We've got very disparate tastes, and usually we take turns spending 10-15 minutes on one or two videos to entertain the masses before Kit goes back to work.

When one of us comes up for whatever reason, it takes up RAM.  If we're passive - in that we're mostly just looking over Kit's shoulder, and maybe tossing out a short text every 10 to 15 minutes, it isn't much of a problem.  We briefly interrupt his flow, do our thing, then fall back and let him get back into things.  He's used to this, so it isn't that much different than watching a video, or answering a FB post, or when one of us fires off something on Twitter.  It's a mild interruption, and then we're back to equilibrium.

The problem starts when one of us has to be up for more significant periods of time, or have to deal with something that requires time to think, interact, and focus.  Then we're taking up more RAM, and that will hamper Kit's ability to function.

For example, if 'someone is wrong on the internet', and we get engaged in a debate.  Kit has to stop what he's doing until we're satisfied with the outcome (or walk away in disgust).  Sometimes it's a collaboration, like when Kit writes one of his essays on some RPG-related topic because it's hit a point more than one of us finds important (there's at least three gaming geeks in here, and a number of us are also fascinated by human psychology, history, religion, storytelling, and politics, so there's a lot of fuel for the creative fires of essay-writing when it comes to gaming).

This who are very familiar with me and Samantha know we aren't usually up and talking with people online unless it's for something scheduled (like gaming), or we're explicitly asked for - a rare thing for me, I almost never get asked for (though that's recently changed).

And those people know that we're going to have gasps.  We'll say our bit, then step back and let Kit do what he's doing, then if we're responded to, we'll come back and talk a little more, then step back, and so forth and so on.

This makes the RAM pendulum swing back and forth between a low load and a high load.  And that's fine, we can handle that.  However, when it becomes a point where we're needing to be up more and be more engaged, then we're dealing with a high load.

To some extent, we can handle that.  One of us is up when Kit is up - Kit shuts down a lot of what he's doing, allowing us to do what we need to be doing, and that's it until we're done.  If it goes on for some time, Kit essentially gives up his day and plans on doing stuff later.

(Which could be 'watch YouTube', 'tinker a bit with an RPG idea he's got in the back of his head', or 'watch Samantha play Warframe' - something he does to unwind).

Having more than one of us up at the same time is a severe strain on resources.  We tried it in a friend's Pathfinder game.  I was playing, Samantha was playing, and Kit was in the back seat.  Except he wasn't.  He helped me with my character, but it was a significant strain for us to do this - and usually what would happen is Samantha would go quiet, and let Kit and I do things.  And when Samantha was being active with her character, Kit and I would retreat so she could do things.

This is usually what happens when Kit, Samantha, and I are involved in gaming.  I'll be quiet and let Samantha do her thing.  Then she goes quiet and lets me do my thing.  And we alternate back and forth.  To make things easier, though, lately, if Samantha's playing, we don't.  Kit lets her have her time.  It helps let her have time up - but it's been difficult, because the rest of Legion gets bored, and then looks at reading, or YouTube, or whatever, and that pulls RAM from Samantha, so she goes quiet.

This has become an issue recently.

Samantha has an SO.  This SO wants time with her during the day, and the two have gotten into a pattern of being active for a lot of the day if possible.  This uses a lot of RAM, so Kit's stopped most of his daily routine to allow for it.  Because he makes sacrifices like that.  This has also completely buggered our sleep schedule, since Kit wants to do things and unwind, and that means doing it at 3-5 in the morning, then passing out around 11-12 and sleeping until 4-5 at night, falling asleep again at 11 pm to 1 am or so, then waking up at 3 to 4 am again.

And now I'm a part of this.  I've been asked to be more engaged with one of my SOs as well.  That will basically redline our RAM.  Kit trying to do anything, while Samantha's trying to be engaged, while I try to be engaged.  Something has to give, because we can't function like that.  It would be like having Kit and Samantha and me all active with full characters at the gaming table.  It just won't happen.

And if we do the usual Samantha/me swap like we might do at the gaming table, then one or the other of us goes quiet for extended periods of time while the other's engaged.

And if Kit wants to do anything at all, we both fall quiet.

Shawn's solution is simple, but cuts to the bone.

No, we're not going to be active full time during the day.  Yes, we can engage with others, but there's hard limits.  We're secondary riders, we're not primary.  Anything that draws Kit's attention draws his attention.  We may not get the chance to say 'AFK' or or anything, we may be quiet for 15 minutes, or an hour, or four hours.  It happens.

In other words - the old status quo.

If we're wanted - come to us.  Don't wait for us to come to you.  We might.  Sometimes.  But it won't be the normal situation.  We need to be 'pinged' so we know to come up.  Why?  Because if Kit's in the zone, he's using almost all the RAM on whatever he's doing, plus entertaining Daryl and the others for short breaks while he relaxes and gathers energy.

The old status quo.

We'll be easier to get in touch with during the night - usually 9-11 or so, give or take.  Kit's less busy, there's less demands, and he's used to loosening the leash so to speak, so we can talk to people.  This will usually allow one of us up and active if we get pinged, and we can be more engaged.  For example, Kit may be talking to his friend (Samantha's boyfriend), Samantha may be talking with her girlfriend (not her SO for this example), and in between Kit may be running a game.  If Kit needs more attention on the game, though, he'll go quiet on his friend, and Samantha will go quiet as she focusses on her character's responses.

People who've been with us for at least 5 or more years are used to this by now.  There's no complaints or anything - one of them may 'poke' to get attention, but usually not, they wait to see if Kit or Samantha come back - and sometimes it doesn't happen.  One might wish a 'goodnight', and the other just goes to bed.

Now, if I want to talk with Kit's friend (since he's my friend too), Samantha will go quiet, and slip out for the night, letting me have my time.  She doesn't talk to anyone else, because three-way rapid swapping leads to headaches.

As you might imagine, all of this has been thrown into disarray.  We're trying to find a new status quo, which allows us to function without redlining.  And it's a work in progress.

Shawn, being the one with the keen insight, points out that we should go back to the status quo.  It lets us function, it's how we've lived for the last 25 years.  Those who are new to interacting with us just need to understand this and go along with it.  The problem is - if they're unhappy, and Kit or Samantha knows they're unhappy, it causes discord, and they try to adapt, even if it's to their detriment to do so.

If the other people can accept it, however.  'It is what it is'.  Then yes, going back to status quo would work out.  There needs to be a talk, and it needs to be concluded.

With all that said, Legion wishes you a Happy 2021.  Thank the gods 2020 is over.

Triage

 Samantha.

Fuck my life.

There's a good thing that happened.  I have another girlfriend.  She's awesome.  I love her.  But there is a problem connected to this wonderful thing.  We want to spend a lot of time talking to one another.  This is a good thing, I think.  I mean, my boyfriend and I haven't talked much - though we're doing it more, and my talking with my other girlfriend is sporadic normally.  The problem is, however, balancing.  One of my brothers now has, count them, two girlfriends.  And our other brother now has a serious writing job, and has a lot of staff working under him.  So now we're needing to juggle.

So we kind of have a list of 'tasks' which are juggled, and we need to figure out which ones are high priority and which aren't, and which need to be 'turned off', and... it's all of a thing.

Like, here's how it works as a list:

• Brother 1 and writing.
• Brother 1 and talking business on Discord.
• Brother 1 and talking to other group on Discord.
• Brother 1 and talking to third group on Discord vis-a-vis games being run.
• Brother 1 and talking to fourth group on Discord vis-a-vis other games being run.
• Brother 1 and game he's playing in.
• Brother 1 and his wife.
• Brother 1 and his family.
• Brother 1 and his in-laws.
• Brother 1 and checking FB and making / answering posts.
• Brother 1 and checking Twitter and making / answering posts.
• Brother 1 checking e-mail and keeping caught up.
• Brother 1 and unwinding by listening to music / watching YouTube.
• Me and group on Discord.
• Me and game I'm playing in.
• Me and other game I'm playing in.
• Me and boyfriend.
• Me and best friend.
• Me and girlfriend #1
• Me and girlfriend #2
• Brother 2 and girlfriend #1
• Brother 2 and girlfriend #2
• Brother 2 and best friend.
• Brother 3 and wanting to be entertained.

I'm probably missing some.  But at any given point 5-6 of these things are happening at the same time.  And the more of us up to handle it, the more strain there is.  The question becomes 'what is given higher priority' and 'which are dropped for now'.  And this becomes 'how many of us need to pay attention' and 'how many things do we need to pay attention to', and 'how much focus is needed for any given task' and 'how many things are pulling us away from focus' and 'how much sleep have we had' and 'how much energy do we have' and 'what time of day is it', and ...

Bleah.  It's a mess.  There's a lot of good going on, but we've only got so many ways we can let ourselves be pulled one way or another, and ... it's a balancing act and we're trying to deal with it and figure out how to spin the plates without it all coming down.

Sexual Assault

Kit (With Support from Legion)

Let's talk about sexual assault, and how it applies to men.

Because when women talk about sexual assault, there's a lot of things men simply don't understand.  Men are assaulted a lot less than women are, and the entire social construct surrounding it is quite different.  How men deal with sexual assault is entirely different than how women deal with it.  The expectations surrounding it are different.  I'm going to talk a bit about what happened to me, and what happened to someone I know - though in their case I won't be naming names.

I've been sexually assaulted three times.

To be more explicit:  I've had people initiate sex with me without my permission.

Twice, a woman initiated sex with me while I was asleep.

Once, a man initiated sex with me while I was asleep.  In this case, with two other men watching.

Now, my reaction was more surprise than anything.  Did it feel good?  Certainly.  But that isn't the point, is it?  It's the fact that there was no consent involved.  That makes it sexual assault.  Even if I was okay with it, it's still sexual assault.

Most men would say, of the women 'hey, that's cool' -- which is missing the point, but also which makes my point.  A lot of men will think 'hey, waking up to a girl going down on me that I barely know is cool'.  And that's the point - the psychology there is completely different than for a woman, who goes 'holy shit, some guy I barely know is having sex with me'.  Which is a distinctly bad thing, because 1) they don't know this person, 2) the power dynamic is different, and 3) the girl can get pregnant or get an STI.  Most guys kind of ignore #1, don't need to worry about #2, and have no concerns about #3.

Of the guy, if the person's straight, they are going to freak the hell out.  If they're bi (like me), it isn't so bad.  (For the record, it was oral - but that's still sex).  I barely knew the guy (I knew him online, but not face-to-face).  I was relatively chill about it - until I noticed I had witnesses, then I almost died of embarrassment.  But think about it - if you're totally straight - your reaction would be totally different, right?  For a woman?  That's the reaction to some guy doing stuff that she didn't ask for.

That I am chill about this isn't relevant.  How the world reacts to it is.

What happens if the girl has a partner?  Me, being the guy, gets the blame.  Regardless of who started it or the circumstances around it.  Why?  Because I'm a guy.  But for most people, they'd be like 'hey, that's cool'.

But if I was a girl?  Then it's my fault because I somehow 'made it happen'.  It isn't high-5s all around because I got some.  There's a lot of pressure to shame women for being the victim.  And honestly, that sucks.

---

So, next.  A guy I know got raped a little while ago.  He was drugged, and sodomized by a pair of guys, and left for dead.  He survived, and hid what happened to him from his family.  It only came out when he damn near died from syphilis.  He had trouble admitting what happened to him - and being a guy, he didn't want to tell anyone, he wanted to treat it as a non-event.

And that's dangerous.  It almost killed him.

The pressure on a guy who's been sexually assaulted is to hide it, because it's not 'manly'.  That you're a less of a man for being assaulted.  And that sucks.  The entire situation there is horrific.

So yes.  Men do get raped.  But the entire situation and the entire dynamic is completely different between men and women.  When women talk about assault - we should shut up and listen.  We should be supportive.  We shouldn't do a vague 'well, guys get assaulted to', because while that is true, the dynamics are different.

If a guy has been assaulted, and it's traumatic?  Then listen.  Help.  I doubt any guy's going to say, 'well, women get assaulted too' - because who the hell would do that?

Like, I'm not looking for sympathy for what happened to me.  I accepted it - and I moved on.  However, that doesn't change the fact it happened.  That there wasn't consent.  If I wasn't chill about it I could have laid charges.  And it would have been a really weird social storm because of it, because the situation for guys, as I said, is completely different.

The Tulpa Experiment

Samantha:  Tonight, my brother made his first attempt at turning me into a tulpa.  It was an a literal thought-experiment, the idea of giving me my own body, my own voice, my own presence, that was completely separate from his.

You see, we recently learned what a tulpa was.  It's kinda like a combination of self-hypnosis, along with some honest-to-the-goddess summoning techniques.  The idea is that you create a thought-form of the entity you want, and then you shape the appearance, the personality, and then you train your thought form into thinking as an individual, apart from yourself.

Or, in our case, we create the visualization, and I try to inhabit it.

We've got a bit of a headache / neck-ache, and the first run didn't go as well as we could.  It's actually pretty damn hard for our brother to achieve a hypnotic state - in three tries so far, it's only worked once.  But we're gonna try to plug at it until it works, to see what results we get.  I really want to get my own body, even if it's made of imagination.  It's more than what I've got now, and if it helps me to break off and be more independent, that's awesome.

The one thing that kinda worries me - does this mean losing my online presence, or do I have to work through my siblings?  Dunno.

The "A" is not for "Ally".

We're not Trans.  We have never been subject to the stigma that people in the trans community face.  We have not suffered their burdens, faced the prejudices they have faced, or endured the cruelty that they have.

We are also not cis.  Not really.  Because we know what it is like to not feel comfortable in our skin.  We have endured the depression, the headaches, the feeling of being an alien in our own body.  This doesn't mean we 'know what it means to be trans' - we don't, and we won't ever say we will.  We just know what it means to be different.  It's the difference between putting a toe in the water, and being pushed in.

Our sister, by far, provides us the most insight.  She has dealt with depression, of hating her body, her voice, her look.  Of feeling like there's something wrong with her, and not being able to change it.  She would love the opportunity to transition - but it isn't happening - because she can't decide for the rest of us.  She suffers dysphoria when she sees herself - she avoids looking into mirrors if she can help it - and if she's playing a video game, she needs a female avatar to represent her or she suffers dissonance.

Some of us feel uncomfortable with the colour of our skin.  This doesn't mean we 'know what it means to be (colour)' - not by a long shot.  And while we don't identify as 'white' - it means nothing in any real sense.  We still get the priveledge of being white and male because that's what people see.  We can be empathic to people of colour, we can identify with people of colour, but that doesn't mean we are people of colour.  And yes, this means there's a difference between identifying as a woman, and identifying as a person of colour.

Finally, some of us aren't human.  Yes, we have a human body.  We are exposed to humanity on a daily basis, but that doesn't make us human.  You don't see us, because we don't present ourselves in public - for obvious reasons.  What do you do with something that doesn't speak except for in noises, and has almost no motor skills?  What about one that is more like an animal than a person?  One that is more noise and flailing and screeching?  Or how about one that exists in a state of music?

What does this make us, as a whole?  Well, as a group we don't fit into any convenient label.  Some of us are straight, some of us are bi.  Some of us are male, some of us are female, some of us really don't qualify.  Some of us are white, some of us are not.  Some of us are human, some of us are not.

The only true benefit of this existence, honestly, is empathy.  It allows us to look at others, and say 'they are like us' - We see ourselves in the world around us, even if we can't be like them, and as such we feel responsible for caring for those we see.  The LGBT+ community doesn't need a letter for those like us.  We don't need to be 'represented' as our own being there - but we can still be an ally, because we dip our toe in the water - and never have to worry about being pushed in.

I'm being a bitch.

Samantha

Got into an argument with Cat.  She cut me off, so I decided to write it out and give her the link to read whenever she gets around to it.  I'm pissed off, so I decided to let off both barrels.  That being said, I also laid out my reasoning and my points.

I just decided not to be nice about it.  Right now, I don't think I need to be nice.  I think I need to be honest, to the point, lay out my argument, and be direct and cruel.  And yeah, I was cruel.  I felt that I was justified on that point.  Let Kit be the saint.  I don't need to be.

Why?  Because seriously, I feel Kit's being taken advantage of, more often than not, but I keep my mouth shut about most of it - since he asks me to.  But this crossed the line.  She can have Kit help her, and he will, because he's nice like that.  Kit can make sacrifices, because he sees this as 'this is what you do for a relationship'.

But you know what?  I'm not married to Cat.  And if I have the means to go enjoy myself, and it uses my own resources, I should be allowed to do so.  I don't think anyone has the right to guilt trip me over it.  Because why the fuck should I be forced to sacrifice my happiness when it's so rare that I get this kind of opportunity?

Yeah.  I know I'm a drain on Kit's resources - that he spends money on me, that I don't have that much restraint.  I'm fully aware of it.  His argument is that I have limited opportunities to enjoy myself, so he gives me a bit of leeway, and when I go over the line, he gets frustrated.  I get that.  But this is not that.  This is, 'here you go, you have this window to be you and have fun'.  And I know the limits that are put in place concerning this.  And I know what I want.

Like I said.  He's a saint.  And sometimes I feel he doesn't deserve me.  But this isn't that.  This is him giving me a chance to have fun and be me.  And to do so without hurting the household at all.  And I'm pissed that Cat wants to take that away from me.

So yeah.  I wrote everything out.  And I was cruel about it.

So be it.  I'm going to be the bitch, because Kit doesn't like being cruel.  She can read it if she wants, or not.  If it makes her cry, I'm gonna feel like shit.  But ... hey.

"I can't talk about this now."

"Then when can we talk about it?"

"I don't know!"

Which means, it never gets talked about.  Because it's a confrontation.  And there's never a good time for a confrontation.  I'd say it's better to get it out of the fucking way.  You know, that whole 'don't go to bed mad' thing.  But whatever.  She gets to sleep, I get to stew.  Fair, right?

Life in the 80s

Kit
The 80s.
So, Stranger Things 2 is coming to Netflix.  I watched the first one, and it hit my 80s vibe so much.  There were a few things that I was disconnected from - living in Calgary is completely different than living in the USA.  But there was enough that hit home for me.

Back behind the Mobil home I lived in was a bunch of dunes we called the 'dirt tracks'.  This was dug out dirt that wound around the region - undeveloped land.  I'd go there with my friends, bike around the dunes, play with our action figures, and do jumps off this one space which was perfect for that.  Two or three or more of us would line up on one side, and someone would shoot down one side, up the other, and sail over us.  It was cool.  There was a pond with salamanders there as well, and we'd catch them, and let them go, or try to raise them if we could get an aquarium.

My mom and dad didn't want me in the house that much.  I'd go out, spend the entire day wandering around, doing what I wanted to do.  Sometimes this was hanging out and playing Dungeons and Dragons (hey!  like the kids in that show!) on someone's front porch or in their house.  Sometimes it was out to the 'dirt tracks', sometimes it was down at a friend's place, almost an hour's walk away, or a trip to the swimming pool, which was almost two hour's walk away, or sometimes it was to the closest shopping mall, well over two hour's walk away.

I didn't tell my parents where I was going usually - as long as I was home for supper, it was okay.  And if I was out after supper?  Home by 8-9 pm.  Not, you know, that I really paid that much attention to that.  I was sometimes late for dinner, and sometimes out a bit too late at night.

Some people talk about the tension in the 80s.  I never saw it.  Then again, I was naive as all hell.  There was this threat of nuclear war - but that worry was distant - in the back of my mind, as something that 'probably isn't going to happen'.  I didn't worry about it, I had other things on my mind.

So... here's where things get interesting.
If you know me... and if you've been paying attention, you know about Legion.  And, while I was completely unaware of them, they existed back then and went about their existence as best they could without me being aware.

We built entire mental scapes in my head for them, and what I thought was just 'hey, imagination!' was them doing things to enjoy themselves.  'What if this was real?'  'Let's set it up so this is going on', and other stuff.  They'd then inhabit what was built, and just entertain themselves.  It... was distracting.  Or, if I'd be going someplace, they'd swap me out, let me enjoy the stuff built into my head, and take over, enjoying the scenery as I walked from one end of Bowness to the other.

I think to some extent, they also protected me from the worst that was out there.  I can't tell you where the tipping point was.  I just know sometime - between Grade 3 and Grade 7, there was a change.  I went from 'me' to 'we'.  Or... maybe it was even before that, but... I don't think so.

My fights with Kyle?  Not always me.  It was probably Mark who chased Kyle down the street to defend our friend Brent.

The person who stood their ground for half an hour or more against a would-be-bully, laughing at the thought of seeing what this guy could do?  Not me.  Probably Shawn.

The person who threw themselves at a student in Jr. High, without any thought of who the person was, or personal safety?  That was Dark.

The person who *almost* clocked a teacher in the back of the head for insulting us in front of the whole class?  Probably Shawn - and THANK THE GODDESS I stopped him before it happened.

But these were also the people who kept me company when I was alone at home.  I wasn't allowed company over, so if I wasn't outside, with friends, I was alone.  So they kept me company.  We'd play with my action figures together, giving them names and personalities.  They'd help me work out ideas in my head - thinking about distant places, or 'what ifs'.

I just didn't know it at the time.  But then, I didn't have any point of reference - I thought everyone talked to themselves, and heard themselves answer in other voices.

Daryl was there - my younger brother.  Immature, impulsive.  There was Sonic as well, who ... well, admittedly, was very, very strange.  Bard was there, playing constant music in my head (though these days, it sometimes sounds external, too.)

I wonder what it would have been like if I knew who they were.  If I realized 'I' was 'we'.  I honestly don't know, but I'm kind of sad I didn't get to acknowledge my brothers (and sister) when I was a lot younger.

---

I remember some of the girls I hung out with and knew at the time.  I had no idea how to deal with women except for 'hey, it's a person I know, and I shouldn't treat them differently than anyone else - except no hitting.'  Initials go here. RL, MB and CL, J? and SD, RB and PG.  And of course, there was the woman who lived across the street from me - I don't remember her name, but... seriously.  I was 18, and she was well into her 20s, and what the hell did she see in me?

There's things I remember from my time in Calgary about them, and some of these things... I don't think they remember.  RL didn't remember when I'd hurt her feelings, but I feel glad that I was able to call her up and apologize.  Seriously, when someone's model-level attractive and you have no idea how to even comprehend they're in the same airspace as you... yeah.  I shouldn't have teased, but I didn't have any idea what to even *think*.  I still have a soft spot in my heart for Bluehawk.  She's shown up a few times in my D&D games.

CL triggered my ASMR one evening.  Sitting in a semi-dark room, laying backwards from one another (head-at-ankles), and she just started running her hand along my shin and ankle.  I mentioned that was relaxing, so she kept doing it.  There was nothing sexual about it - we were just talking about things, and then my brain switched off because OMG that was relaxing.  I could have sat there for hours, just talking, half-out of focus because it was so soothing.

Which reminds me - one time on the school bus, some girl behind me started stroking my hair.  My brain simply shut off, and I enjoyed the entire bus trip in a trance.  To this day, I've got no idea who it was - but whoever it was?  Thank you, that was ... bliss.

My friend Neil, at one point, found a letter from MB to BM - her boyfriend.  I got to read it briefly, and... you know?  I was a bit amused at what was said - but on some level, I got it.  She liked him, and that was fine.  I didn't mention this to anyone, because as far as I was concerned, it was private.  I was naive, sure, but... these were friends, and I saw no reason to tease them over a love-letter.  MB did me a favour once, though it was weird.  I'd never had a girlfriend, and she was sitting in BM's lap.  So, I asked if she could sit in my lap.  She did... and it was interesting.  I was like 'huh, okay, so this is a thing'.  It didn't get my hormones revved, but it explained some things to me, and ... I'm actually grateful.

J? and SD.  Two girls I seriously liked.  Those two girls were the ones who set my 'type' for the next decade.  J had almost-red hair, SD was blond, and ... while I didn't know them that well, they were kind of a 'night and day' for me.  SD was petite, and J was a touch tomboyish, and I was drawn to them for those reasons.  SD ... barely tolerated me, which is okay, because she wasn't cruel or anything.  J... I actually got the guts to ask her out once - and got shot down.  But she was nice about it - a simple 'no, sorry', and that was that.

RB.  My 'girlfriend'.  In that a common friend of us ours set us up as a pair.  Considering I knew nothing about how to handle a relationship, I... was okay.  We went out on a date once (to see Rooftops.  I won two tickets from Much Music).  That was fine.  We played RPGs together.  I kind of wish she didn't smoke.  And we never did anything really 'coupley' until my 18th birthday.  She put her arms around me, and I had NO IDEA how to react to that.  And ... I moved away that month, to Ottawa.  She wrote me, once.  I lost the envelope with her return address - then the letter from her disappeared.

That's my last regret for Calgary - that I have no idea where she is, how she's doing, and I never got the chance to write her back and say 'thank you'.  I hope she's doing okay.

PG.  She's on my list of 'solid friends'.  I hung out with her and her brothers, we played D&D and other games, and she was a solid friend.  I liked her, enjoyed hanging out with her, and while sometimes I was a brat, she was nothing but nice to me.  Heck, she let me sit in her room and read her Amethyst comic collection (which was kind of cool, honestly).  She was, at the time, the ideal of the 'platonic girlfriend'.  She's the person who pretty much trained me that 'you know, you can have friends, who are girls, and ... that's okay'.

---

The 80s were strange.  Complex in a lot of ways that I didn't understand, and incredibly simple in other ways.  It was like, my personal space was simple.  Life for me was simple.  But there was so much going on that I simply couldn't comprehend - I wasn't a part of it, it didn't touch me, and that was okay.

I remember someone having broken the wing of a seagull when I was in high school.  I went out, captured it in my sweater, put it in a box, went through class with it, and then took it to a wild animal clinic downtown with another student.

Had no idea who that student was, but she sat with me on the bus, helped me get it to the clinic, and that was that - never saw her again.

I remember my Phys Ed high school class, where a student suplexed me so hard it knocked the wind out of me.  That Christmas, my Phys Ed teacher (as Santa) brought me down in front of the entire school during assembly, sat me on his lap, and gave me a 50 pack of MUSCLE action figures as 'bodyguards'.

I laughed.  It was great.
Then I went home and wrote a wrestling-based RPG, because that's how my mind worked.  And then I sold it to my friend David for $10 before I moved to Ottawa.

Then I wrote it again.  Tweaked it a bit.

---

Things were not as fun or simple once I got to Ottawa.  Moving into a new house, not knowing anyone, trying to find a niche in high school where nobody knew me.  The stress my parents were going through, and me just not knowing how I 'fit' anywhere.

Rod was probably the greatest thing to happen to me, when I moved into Kanata.  Cat was the greatest thing to happen to me once I met her.  Rod was an anchor - he grounded me, and was the brother I needed.  Even when he moved away, he kept in touch with me, and I needed that.  When he moved back to Ottawa, it was great, we picked up as if we'd never parted ways.

---

Is there a point to this?  No, not really.  Just... I've not done this in a long, long time.  Just writing, and writing, and writing, letting my thoughts flow out.

It feels good.  But I should stop.

Goodnight.

Why Does It Have to be Complicated?

Samantha:

I'm going to enjoy myself.  I have to.
I'm heading to Montreal for a few days to see someone, and I'm looking forward to it.  It isn't 'Kit and Cat are going to Montreal', it's me.  Kit's giving me some time for myself - a few days - and I can spend it with someone I care about.

But there's complications.
See, a few days ago, we were discussing things we'd be doing while I was visiting, and some of them were.. well.. personal in nature.  They hit a lot of my fun buttons - and while I was a bit shocked and shy about it, I was like 'oh, this is going to be interesting!'

And I was thinking 'I get to spend a bunch of days alone with her!'

And.. while it's true.. it isn't completely true.
There's going to be one day where her boyfriend's going to be staying over.  And if I came earlier - which had crossed my mind - there'd be a few days where he'd be there, saying over.  Which means I'd be in the living room.

Not with her.
I don't think I'm ready for that.  I can probably deal with one day like that.. but not multiple days. And on the weekend, she's going off to his parent's place with him.  I won't be going.  And I'm going to have to deal with that.

I'm the 'on the side' in this relationship.  As much as I don't want to be.  But I have my limitations and she has her limitations.  Different cities, different needs, that kind of thing.

That.. kind of took the air out of this some.  I do want to go, and I do want to spend time with her, but I've also tried very hard to ignore that there's another relationship involved.  I keep on thinking 'oh, this is that guy, her friend' - not 'this is her boyfriend, who she has a relationship with'.

And.. it makes me think of the stuff we talked about a few days ago, and suddenly, I'm wondering 'do they do that kind of thing?'.. and a part of me is worried that 'yes, they do', and a part of me is going 'you really don't want to know the answer, in case it's 'yes'.'  And.. the fact it might be yes, kind of makes me want to cry.

*sigh*

Always something there to remind me.

Kit.

Usually, this blog is for the rest of Legion - a place for them to write about things important to them. But after something that just pulled up a bunch of memories, I felt I should write - since it's about them. You see, from time to time, I kind of like to think 'you know, I'm not as bad off as I thought'. I kind of hear Legion in the back of my head, but I can filter it out, and I can go around thinking I'm healthy and everything's fine. Then something happens, and I'm reminded that my existence, my 'sanity' is always at risk. That I'm on the razor's edge between being 'together', and having something else take over and leave me on the dust. It's those bad days that reminds me there's a reason my life is the way it is.

When I was younger - when I was first dealing with Legion as an active force in my life that I was aware of, there were triggers. I never really knew what would pull one or another up, and I didn't always have the tools necessary for dealing with it. There were a few members that would help, but we weren't used to the idea of something else wanting to pull itself up and take over, and the results were rarely pretty when it happened. Typically, it was Dark wanting control, but not always. Sometimes it was Sonic, sometimes it was Daryl, something... it was something deeper, and worse, and those were the really bad days.

It was hard navigating what was okay, and what wasn't. If I was a teenager at the time, I could have chalked it up to 'teen drama', but... it wasn't. It could be a song that would send me over. It could be some sort of interaction with someone that hit me the wrong way. It could be a lack of interaction, making me feel isolated. While we were trying to get used to one another, there were significant shifts in emotion, and that could get the ball rolling from 'I'm fine', to 'hold me down'.

I remember some of the events from the Year of Hell, and I have to admit, it's embarrassing - more so when I wasn't at my own house, in my 'safe zone'. If I lost control at home, I could lock the door, and let things run its course until I was okay. When I was at someone else's house? ... I have snippets of Cat's friends holding me down, thrashing around, trying to claw and bite and attack. I don't remember what set me off - like I said, the triggers were all over the place - and sometimes I wonder what these people thought when Dark or something else wanted free.

(I sometimes wonder if my friend Christine wanted to do an exorcism on me at times...)

But, sometimes I forget that this is still a risk. I remember listening to a song (for those interested, Gowan's "Moonlight Desires") at one point, dancing with Cat at a friend's house, and mentioning to her that the song was a bit triggering. It wasn't a bad song, there weren't any lyrics that were bad for me or anything - it was a combination of the music, the tone, the emotion in the song - it would set Dark off. And I remember dancing with her, and her arms around me, helping me to keep things together as Dark pulled itself up to the surface.

And I was thinking 'oh yeah, that song' as I was listening to it today, and then I felt Dark start clawing its way up to the surface again, and I was like 'what, still?'. It was a reminder - I'm not as 'healthy' as I may think I am - that this is still a thing - I have triggers, and they're not all mapped. It reminded me that Legion is still there, and not all of it is under my control.

I've noticed Sonic likes to peek out from time to time lately, to say hi to Cat, and get some attention. I wonder if I should take that as a warning - that the more instinctual members of Legion are more active than I might have thought - that there's something that's got them agitated, and I should keep a tab on things and see if I can fix it.

I wasn't dumped.

Samantha.

So, that's a thing that happened.  I had a friend I'd see online on Friday and Saturday nights for 'dates'. In that we'd roleplay, make characters, interact, and fuck like rabbits.  The sex was fun, we tried all sorts of interesting things - but that wasn't the only part of it.  It was the roleplaying.  The world building.  Making a place, giving it consistency, and looking at it as well.  Setting up scenarios, and trying out new things, and going places.  It was exploring boundaries, and being able to do that with someone.

And my friend would make characters for me to meet.  I didn't make as many.. she was mostly having fun seeing how I reacted to things - and every now and then I'd make a special evening for her to relax and enjoy herself.  The more recent one was taking her character to see an aquarium, look at the fish, and I was using one of my favourite fictional cities for this - expanding a bit on the 'mythology' behind our stories.

So.. yeah.

Tonight, she came on, and I was thinking about what to do - but she had news.  Tonight was her last night.  She decided she needed to leave the MUSH - to leave online RP for good.  No more dates.  No more hanging out.  It hurts.  Her reasoning behind this was solid - and I can't blame her for it - but it still hurts.

See.. it means the characters I made - the characters she made - they're in limbo.  They're not going anywhere, they're abandoned.  And I feel for these 'people'.  Their stories have come to an end, no happy ending, no ending at all.  And that makes me sad.

Thank the goddess she took the time to come see me and let me know.  Thank the goddess she agreed we could talk on e-mail from time to time.  Because .. well.. it's so much better than what I'm used to.  Where the person I decided to get close to just disappeared on me without a word - to never speak to me again.  To not know if they're okay or not, to not know what's going on, or why they left.

At least it isn't that.

So.. small blessings.

But it hurts.

Mismatched.

Samantha.
I don't know what to say.
Well, let's start from the beginning, I guess?  A few years ago, I met a woman at a convention.  I was immediately struck by her.  She was interesting, she was intelligent, there was something to her I was attracted to.  Sadly, she had some trouble then, and it cut short us getting to know one another.  But we touched base and we became friends.

She became sort-of-kind-of my girlfriend.  But there were problems.  Me, being a part of Legion, was one of them.  And.. well.. life isn't fair, is it?  But yeah, I understood the problem, and I accepted it as much as I could.

Then she got a girlfriend.  Who became her fiance.  And I liked this person, and we got along well, and I wished for my friend to be happy.  So, I played nice, and just accepted my place, and was very happy for them.  But then tragedy happened, and she lost her fiance.  And I felt crushed by that, and tried my best to be there for my friend.

And when she recovered(ish, because how do you really recover from that), she looked for someone who could help her - to meet her needs.  And I get that.  But I wanted to be her girlfriend again, and be there for her.

And recently, she came over to visit, and we snuggled, and talked, and I told her 'I love you'.  I'd never said that before to her, and it surprised me when I said it.  And she admitted she couldn't say that back to me - not that way.  And it hurt, but I accepted it.

So, today, I found out she's in a relationship.  And I know who the person is in passing - having never met them face to face.  But this time, it hurts.  It hurts so much.  And on one level it hurts more because that person has.. well.. things I have.  But she's accepted that, when it makes a barrier for her with me.

And I can understand, because there's so many other issues involved with me.. but it still hurts.  I want her to be happy, though, she deserves that.  I just wish she could have been happy with me.

Ghosts

Samantha

I decided to go onto Second Life today.  It's been about a year, and it was about a year since my visit before that.  I left it all behind for.. reasons.

First and foremost, my partner there decided she was going to stop going.  We still talked on Skype, and she offered to go on when I was DJing there.  So, that killed my reasons for logging on more often.  We'd sometimes hook up and go around, but.. no, not much.  Then, we got a new computer.  And I couldn't hook up to the streams to DJ.  Since that was my only other reason to usually go, I just bowed out.  And then I stopped going.

Well, Rumour's gone.  I've not heard from her in two years.  Her birthday was a few weeks ago, and I wished her a happy birthday, but.. yeah, nothing there.

So, today, I decided to log into Second Life.. to just see what was there.  A few things have changed, but a few of my DJ friends are there.

But it hurts so very much.

I miss Rumour.  I see myself in Second Life, and .. I feel her absence.

It's like when I was playing on Fool's Moon, and Kayla disappeared.

Or Yuriba, when Faith vanished.

I don't normally let myself get close to people.  But when I do..

And they disappear..

It hurts.

I don't know what to do about things like this.  I don't like it when people disappear.  It makes me want to stay away from people.  To just curl up and leave everyone behind.

Passing Me By

Samantha:  I'm in a shitty mood.  I decided to check my Gmail, and happened to glance at the chat menu at one side.  In a few weeks, it's going to be my friend Rumour's birthday. I've not heard from her in over a year.

This keeps happening to me.. I get close to someone, and they just disappear from my life, leaving me not knowing how they're doing,  why they've left, or anything. They just vanish on me, after I've opened up to them and trusted them with my feelings.

And it hurts.  Years and even decades later, it hurts.  I hate feeling abandoned like this.  I don't know how Mark can handle it, because it breaks my heart when it happens to me.

2015 - In With the New

Mark:  I had this urge to write tonight, and a few of us are also inclined to post our thoughts tonight.  I'll start, and let others put their two cents in as well.  This is going to be stream of thought, so if we seem a little disjointed, understand that while we want to talk, we have nothing specific in mind, this is going to be whatever comes to mind.

To begin with, I've been playing in a friend's Pathfinder game.  Well, to be perfectly honest, I share a character with Kit, and we take turns using the character as desired.  It really depends on who has the most focus, and what is going on with the game - though character advancement is my decision.  My sister, Samantha, is also playing, and she's been enjoying herself.

My friend Scott picked me up a book for Christmas, Night's Black Agents.  This is a game system that Kit is not familiar with.  I've been going through the book slowly, and even picked up a companion book for it called Mutant City Blues.  The game seems interesting, and I have no problem with the rules, so I feel it is time for me to try my hand at game mastering, instead of Kit.  This is new for me, but I felt it was time to try to do something.

Part of trying this is using our old city of Trois Portes.  Night's Black Agents is a vampire setting, where you are people who have to hunt vampires, once they've discovered you are aware of them.  Mutant City Blues is about a world where one in two hundred people have developed superpowers, and you're a member of the police force trying to keep an eye on things.

I've never game mastered before.  I've helped with Kit running games, but I'm going to try my best to be the one to do this.  We'll see how this works out, because I have time to get things done while Kit runs his D&D campaign.

Samantha:  A thing has been kind of gnawing at me for a few months, and I thought I'd talk about my life coming into 2015.  As some of you might know, mom had a bit of a falling out with Kit and Cat not too long ago.  Well, things are kind of settled, though not resolved.  During this time though, Shawn and I tried to talk to mom, to let her know what's been going on.  It didn't work very well, because she ignored both of us, and decided to talk to Kit instead of us - even when he had no desire to talk to her.

And that's rude.  I've talked to mom from time to time, though she doesn't really seem to notice, but I thought addressing her directly, we could finally talk with each other.  I'd e-mailed her, from my own account, in hopes she'd reply to me, but she didn't.

That kind of hurts, actually.  It feels like she wants to just dismiss me because she's uncomfortable with facing the fact I exist.  This reminds me of something I read a few weeks ago - a trans woman had killed herself, because her parents were putting pressure on her and ignoring who she was.  When she was buried, her parents used her male name, and put out an obituary with her as male.  Her school addressed her as a male.  Effectively, they were all saying they knew her better than she did, and that her views of herself were wrong.

This dismissal pisses me off.  And while not as severe as what this woman faced, I feel some parallel to it.  I'm here, and I wanted to talk to her.  And she effectively ignored my existence, as if who I am and how I feel doesn't matter - it doesn't exist in her world.

I think this is one reason we as a whole can identify with the trans community, and why we're willing to dig in our heels when it comes to arguing in favour of them.  While Kit isn't trans - he identifies as male, and in a male body, I guess I would be considered 'trans' in that I'm a woman in a man's body.  So, seeing trans women dismissed, derided, and bullied piss me off, and Kit, knowing what I have to live with, is willing to step forward and defend transgender men and women.

So let's see what else I can talk about!  Well, in 2014 I talked on a radio show a few times - it was a bit scary doing it, and kind of depressing hearing it.  My voice is nothing close to what I want to sound like, and so hearing it on air was .. gah.  Still, it was something.  The DJ I work with will be coming up in May we hope, so he'll be doing one of his shows up here.  He plans to stick around for 3-4 days, and will be showing up at CanGames.  That'll be cool.

And hopefully we'll be going to Cape Cod this year, and I hope my boyfriend can make it.  It's been about fifteen-sixteen years, and I want to see him.  It'd be a nice week, seeing Provincetown, showing him the sites, and getting a chance to relax.  We've got another friend who might be coming with us, and I think he'd love it too.  My grandparents are awesome, kind folk, and the cottage out in the middle of nowhere is perfect.  Trees, ocean beach, and lighthouses, and Provincetown not too far away to visit.  I really hope this works out!

Coming to the End (of 2014)

Samantha:  This has been one hell of a year, and the pendulum continues to swing wildly between good and bad.  We're getting settled in the new place, we have most of the boxes unpacked, and we have a roomie that we've known since forever, and that's all good.

We have a kitten, Moggie.  He'll be a year old in a few more months.  He's playful, energetic, likes to bat things around.  He picks on Malkin, and he's a bitey little kitten in that playful way that you know means he doesn't want to hurt you - though you have bite and scratch marks on your hands.  When we got him, he had ear mites and round worm.  We didn't know of course, so Malkin got ear mites and round worm.  That was an expensive pain in the ass to get treated, but they're both all better now.  Moggie just got fixed, and the difference in appearance is noticeable.  I didn't know how big cat balls were until we got Moggie.  Malkin was fixed before we got him, so to us his pair (even though he doesn't have a pair) looked 'normal' to us.  You would think, 'small animal, small pair'.  Moggie however, had this huge set of swingers, to the point where I'd joke 'a cat is all teeth, claws, and balls'.  Now that Moggie's fixed, it looks more like what we'd expect from a tiny animal.

Malkin's age is showing.  He's slowing down, he sleeps a lot, but he still plays and likes attention.  We figure he's got months left, maybe a year.  Kit's in that weird dual-head-space, where he doesn't want to think about Malkin dying, but he's eyeballing a playmate for Moggie for when Malkin does pass on.  It's got him kinda sad at the moment.  I hope Malkin can make it through the winter.

The new apartment's kinda nice.  It's warm.  Hella warm.  We keep the windows open even though there's snow outside, and the apartment is still warm.  We've been putting the fans in the house on, and letting them blow on us to keep us cool.  And this is on top of keeping the window open.  On the nice side, it means we're not needing to put on the thermostat.  But I bet summer's gonna fucking suck, so we'll need the air conditioner in when spring comes around.

Yeah.  There's an elephant in the room, and I'm trying to think of how to talk about it.  I could leave it to Shawn to talk about, or I could let Mark talk about it, but.. I dunno.  Mark's not really emotionally invested in it, and Shawn is being kinda weird about it.  It doesn't bother him as much as it bothers Kit and I.. but he feels if he has to address it.. well, it's kinda a 'don't dump this on me'.  He'd thought about writing about it earlier in the day, but right now, this seems to be my show.

So okay.  Cat and mom had a fight.  Yeah, they'll argue sometimes.. mom's been really critical of us, and Cat doesn't take that very well.  They both have dominating personalities, they're both stubborn, and because of that when they meet head-on, it gets ugly.  Mom's had a way of being critical when she comes over.. she will be upset about the state of the house, or the dishes, or the kitchen, or the bathroom, or whatever.  The thing is, she'll critique things while in the house being a houseguest, and Cat thinks it's kinda rude.  (Shawn:  Yes, it is "kind of rude".  Seriously, but continue.)  If we're visiting mom and dad's place, mom gets critical there, too.  And the thing is, this kinda attitude drives Cat nuts.

I kind of see it.  If you have someone over as a guest, they shouldn't crap on you.  If you're being a guest, they shouldn't crap on you.  If there's something up, you can bring it up later, I guess.  You know, perhaps in neutral territory, or in an e-mail, or a phone conversation.  And if you're not enjoying the visit, then either stop visiting, or stop inviting the person over, or whatever.  Dumping on someone is, I think, rude.. you don't do it.  But.. well.. I guess this has been a point of contention before with Kit and mom.  She's always had this kinda headspace that Kit's her son, and thus she's entitled to care for him, and thus she's entitled to give her thoughts on things where it concerns him, regardless of time and place.  And Cat doesn't like that.  She feels it's picking on him, it's picking on her, it causes frustration and anger and just adds a negative vibe to everything.  It's why Cat's parents don't feel comfortable hanging out with our parents - there's just too much negativity.

Well, Cat's been a bit more aggressive about this lately.  With the new apartment, mom's first visit was also a critique of how we're unpacking, where we're putting stuff, and so forth and so on.  And a 'I hope you keep this place in better condition than the last place'.  Cat was unhappy, and yeah, I don't blame her.  This led to Cat giving mom a smack upside the head when she was being critical and Cat wasn't taking it anymore.  Kit gave Cat the warning 'no, you don't get to hit my mom'.

But this.. this was a different beast entirely.

Shawn:  I guess I will take over here.  There's a few rules of hospitality that our mother doesn't seem to keep in mind.  One thing is that when you walk through the front door, you're a guest.  I don't care what you want to do, you're a guest, and as a guest, there are rules of hospitality.

Without putting too fine a point on it - you are polite.  You don't make demands.  You don't threaten to break someone else's property.  And you don't make a move to act on that threat.  If your host tells you to leave, you leave.  It doesn't matter if you think you're in the right or not.  You walk out that door.  If you have a thing to say, you can say it from outside.  Or in an e-mail.  Or a phone call.  Or a letter.  Or whatever the hell you want, but you don't do it inside the house.

Do I think Cat may have overreacted?  I'm not certain.  I think if I was in her shoes, I'd have thrown a punch.  If it was Samantha, I'm sure she'd have gone for a slap across the face.  Mark might have grabbed her wrist - and most likely would have broken it.  Cat did none of these - she has her own style of fighting.

Our mother however, didn't just cross a line, she decided the line was on the edge of a cliff, and decided to throw herself over it anyway.  Kit's trying to be understanding, but he's pissed off.  He's done an amazing job of keeping that flatlined however - his feeling about family is pretty damn strong, but he's frustrated with our mother, annoyed with our father, and he's said what he had to say to Cat and is being as supportive as he can for her.

We had a talk today with our mother, and it didn't go well.  She's got a habit of "being right".  She played the victim card today.  "What if I had a heart attack while I was fighting with Cat?"  The answer is "we'd have dealt with that if it had happened."  The point is, it was still mother's fault it got to this.  She broke so many rules of hospitality, I have to laugh thinking about it.  I laugh, because if I didn't, the alternative wouldn't be as pleasant.  Mother's completely unapologetic, and she's being her typical stubborn self.

Mother was in the wrong.  She's refusing to accept any responsibility for her actions.  I'm going to remind Kit of this each time she wants him to see her.  I think I'm not going to be letting him visit her place anymore.  From now on, visits are on neutral ground.  This is going to make things awkward when Cat has a kid, because mother won't be visiting the apartment to see it, and we're certainly not taking it to their place. If and when they want to see the kid, that means Cat's going to be there, until the kid's old enough for Kit to bring it someplace without Cat's supervision.  And you know, Cat's not going to want to be there if mother's there, and that means no visit then.

Mother fucked up.  Badly.  She won't own up to it.  That's two strikes.  Kit may be willing to bend a bit for family, but there's nothing saying I have to.  I'll be watching for the next little while.  But suffice to say, I'm really not pleased.

Samantha:  In other news, let's talk about something more pleasant, okay?  I've been helping out a DJ on Guild Wars 2, and I've enjoyed it.  He's convinced me to actually be a part of the show, and while it's kinda fun helping with the script, I fucking hate my voice.  I.. sound nothing like how I want to sound, and it just kinda makes me twitch to hear myself.

That being said.. yeah, it's still fun.  I like doing it, I just don't wanna listen to the results.  It started kinda out of the blue - a guy was supposed to be part of the show, dating an NPC that's a part of the program.  The DJ has a few characters for his show, and he does the voices of all of them.  Two of them are girls, and he's using a Text To Voice for them, which is kinda cool.  Anyway, the guy didn't show up, so he asked if I could fill in.  So, yeah, I wound up "in script", going on the date with one of the girls.  That was kinda fun.

And for his 2-year-anniversary, he got a bunch of friends to team up to do the script, so I was there, and I got to cut loose some and enjoy myself.  The voice part sucked for me, and I could have died of embarrassment every time I heard myself, but it was still fun.  I've been helping out in-game as well, creating quizzes for people to answer, and handing out prizes.  I kinda like that.. partly because it flatters my geek ego to be able to toss out questions.  A lot of the questions are trivia I know, though I've had to sometimes go hunt down the answer to make damn sure I'm right.. and I've goofed a few times, but overall it's just fun.

I've been talking with the guys about DJing.  I've considered going back to Second Life and doing my program there, though it doesn't have voice associated with it - it's just me spinning tunes and hanging out on the grid with everyone.  We've also talked about DJing in Guild Wars 2 though.. and it wouldn't be just me, it'd be me, and Kit.  Kit'd be the primary for the show, and we're kinda trying to think of a gimmick for me so I could be on the show and not sound like I do.  Though .. I think it was Shawn.. mentioned just owning it.  Make Legion be the DJ in all our glory, with each of us coming up to do what we do over the course of the show.  It's.. kind of a different idea.. I'd not have thought of that.. but it's also kinda cool.  And scary.  "Hey, here's a new DJ.  Our thing is.. well, there's a LOT of us!"

It's kinda cool, but I have to admit, everyone else's got an advantage there.. in that they're all guys, and I'm not.  So they don't care what they sound like.. I do.  But maybe.  We'll see.

And yeah, that's that.  It's 3 am.. and I think we've gotten this all out of our system.  The holidays are gonna be fucked up.. thankfully though we're gonna see my girlfriend when she comes to visit Ottawa around Christmas.  We're maybe going to Montreal to see her for her birthday too - that'd be nice.  She's gone through some hard times - so any chance to spend time with her is good.

G'night, everyone!

- S

Too Much, Too Soon

Samantha:  It's just too much, everything's happening at once.  Three weeks ago we had to put Neko down, and we're only just getting over that, and now Mau's sick.  Kit's preparing to deal with having her put down tomorrow if necessary, and we're really not ready for that.  Not by a long shot.

On top of that, Paul's moving to Toronto.  We were given about two month's warning - possibly less.  So Kit and Cat started scrambling to find a new room-mate to fill in.  That didn't work out, so now it's a new plan.  His best friend called us, and offered us a two-bedroom condo.. it's smaller than this place, but it's also much cheaper -- $200 cheaper.  Also, no hydro bill - that's going to be nice as well.

But it means moving.  We've not moved in about fifteen years.  This is our house.  This is our neighbourhood.  The people in this area know us.  But now, we're suddenly leaving.  I don't like this change, I don't want to move.  I want to live here forever.

There's so much that needs to be done, and .. it feels like we're going to be leaving something behind.  I don't like that feeling.. like there's something here, and we're going to abandon it.  I think it's because of Neko and Minou.. and perhaps Mau.  Kit kinda felt this way when he left his place on Fisher, after Kitty died, and this is .. close.. to that.

I dunno.  I just don't like it.  New place, having to get used to new people.. damn it.  Fortunately, we'll still only need one bus to get to Kanata.. and we'll also be closer to Malcolm's place.  And there's a swimming pool there we can use, so Kit can go swimming (want to place bets on how often?  Probably not that often, but you never know).  The swimming pool is saltwater, so that's interesting.

But I don't want interesting.  I want.. safe.  And this place is safe.  But we can't afford it..

I don't know.. I don't like this.. I don't like any of this.

An Experiment in Voice

Samantha:  I'm on Teamspeak.  Can you imagine that?  I was invited a short while ago to join up on TS with a friend or two who DJ on Guild Wars 2.  I was, as you might imagine, incredibly nervous about doing so, because Teamspeak uses voice.  Seriously.. me?  Talk online?  Hell no!

So.. I didn't use the microphone, but listened to people talk, and tapped away on the keyboard to talk to people.  The thing is - when you're on Teamspeak, you can multitask if you have voice.. so people were kind of doing other things, which made me talking to them a slow and difficult process.

So, after a week or two of this, I got annoyed and tried to find a program to alter my voice.. something I could use so I could sound outwardly the way I hear myself inwardly.  Nothing.  Everything I looked at either cost more money than we have.. or just didn't work.. or sounded bad.. or crashed when we tried to use it.  Needless to say.. I was kinda demoralized.

So.. finally, I talked with Cat.  My few friends offline can usually pick me out from anyone else when I'm up and talking, so I asked her how I sounded.  I know my voice is higher than Kit's, or Mark's (Mark's is lower than Kit's, we've noticed).. but do I sound.. well, not to put too fine of a point on it.. female.

Cat said I sounded fine.  She noted her mom gets mistaken for male on the phone at times (which of course pisses her mom off).. so I should be okay.  This.. well.. I was nervous as hell, but it was enough that I decided I'd just be myself and talk.

I was fucking terrified.

But, see, I had to do this.  I want to have friends, I want people I can talk to.  This was really important to me, because these were people I was hanging out with online, who were opening a door that I had always felt was closed, and were saying hey, we like you, come join us.

I don't get that kind of invitation.  Not really.

So, I turned on the microphone on the laptop, and walked in, and gave it a shot.  And.. it was okay.  The people who knew me didn't bat an eye.. and we talked a bit.  I didn't talk much, since the general topics of conversation were things I didn't know about - they play MMOs and games I don't, for example, but it was nice.  It felt like walking into a dance hall, and seeing people you know, and having them wave to you while you stick to the sidelines and wave back.  You're there, and that's a good start.

Someone asked The Question.. 'are you a girl?'.  So.. I took my second gamble.  One of my friends went 'oh boy', and I knew I didn't have to answer if I didn't want to.  But.. I knew some of these people, and this was the acid test.  Could I be accepted for who I was?  So.. I answered.  I explained who I was.. and what I had to deal with.  And.. it was accepted.  No questions asked.

It felt good.  I was able to be me here.  I could talk.  I could joke.  I could drop my smart-assed remarks and people would laugh, and it was nice!

(Fuck you, I'm allowed to say nice.  Kit's the one who's banned from that word.)

I don't go on often, but.. I'm making it more of a habit these days.  Go in, hang out a bit, talk, and slip out again.  It is .. pleasant.. being able to show up, and hear people be happy you're around.

And tonight, I was given a compliment.  Someone .. well.. I won't go into detail, but they said something that made me feel really good.  They know about me, they've heard me, and even with that disadvantage, I was given a wonderful compliment.

I'm happy.. and sad.. at the same time.  I'm happy that I have these friends, and I'm sad about the limitations I still have, preventing me from being free.. but .. it's still good.  I'm still smiling, even through the tears.

Mark:  I've been watching Samantha go through this, and I'm happy for her.  This has taken a lot of courage, considering her personal fears and physical limitations, and having a group that supports her I think is something she needs.  Hopefully, this will let her come out of her shell more.  Our condition is harder on her than anyone else in our group, so giving her the opportunity to make friends and interact with others is important.  I was admittedly wary of her coming out like this.  I'm glad to see my concerns were not necessary.