What Comes Later

Samantha:  Death.  It scares me.  I'm sure it scares a lot of people, but there's a very specific fear of mine associated with death.  The most logical of the illogical fears is what if I simply cease to exist?  

To me, that is a horrible, depressing, tragic fate.  Considering the .. "life".. I've had, the cruelest joke of all would be for it to end in darkness.  It would be horrible as well, because it means that my sister, who killed herself before I existed, would have simply ceased to exist.  She would not be living on, she would not have gone someplace better.  She wouldn't have found the happiness she deserved.

Then there's the fate I fear is even worse.  Some years ago, I screamed a terrible curse when I heard of the Iraqi war.  It was a terrible curse, because I was horrified at the deaths I knew were to come.  At that time, I had visions of the dead.. thousands, trapped in their bodies, screaming for someone to save them.  And see, that was what death was to me.  You lived on, in a body that no longer lived. You were aware of the overwhelming darkness of the world around you.  That terrified me.  It did not help that some of the oldest faiths believed / believes that is what would happen to you when you die. When I looked at the Hebrew faith, the idea of the dead waiting in their bodies until Heaven on Earth comes hit a little too close to home.

I had visions of hundreds of thousands of people, strewn about the landscape, trapped in broken bodies.  I had visions of them buried, left to darkness and silence, their screams and pleas unheard.  It terrified me to think, one day, it might happen to me.

I've been called horrible things.  I've been called a demon.  A succubus.  I've been told I shouldn't exist, that I should "leave".  I'm glad my sister never heard those words.  It would have broken her heart.

And then there's Shinto.  My sensei.. a kind, gentle, wonderful soul, talked with me.  To him, I am a spirit, a kami.  And when we die, I will be free.  And this fills me with joy.  I will not cease to exist.  I will not be trapped in a decaying body, crying for someone to come for me.  I will be a spirit, to watch over those close to me, to explore the world.  I will feel joy like I have never known.

I fear death.  It terrifies me.  But.. there is hope.  And it is to that hope I cling to.  I want to believe, and I want to believe that those around me will have that future as well.  And I hope, when the time comes, I can meet my sister once more.

A Sea of Tears

Samantha:  I thought it couldn't get worse.. how stupid could I be?

We had to put Neko to sleep almost three weeks ago.  Then Mau was put to sleep last Monday.  And I thought this was rock bottom, wasn't it?  It couldn't get worse.

My girlfriend contacts me.. she found her fiancee dead yesterday morning.  We don't know how she died, but.. goddess.. that's beyond words.  I wish I could rush to Montreal and be there for her.. but she's got friends, and that's something.  I'm contacting my sensei to make an offering for this.. but it hit a little too close to home for me.

Her fiancee.. my friend.. was like us.  She was both "Jace" and "Akiria".. and I've talked with both of them.. in fact, when Jace was having to first deal with Akiria, she came to me to help her understand what was going on, and how to cope.  I got along well with both of them.. and now they're both gone.

And while my girlfriend has said her farewells to both.. I think most people will overlook Akiria.. and this is a fear I feel for myself as well.. if we pass on.. will it be Kit that most people remember and say goodbye to, and will the rest of us be overlooked?  So I've asked my sensei to say prayers for both of them.

Goddess.. too much.

Too Much, Too Soon

Samantha:  It's just too much, everything's happening at once.  Three weeks ago we had to put Neko down, and we're only just getting over that, and now Mau's sick.  Kit's preparing to deal with having her put down tomorrow if necessary, and we're really not ready for that.  Not by a long shot.

On top of that, Paul's moving to Toronto.  We were given about two month's warning - possibly less.  So Kit and Cat started scrambling to find a new room-mate to fill in.  That didn't work out, so now it's a new plan.  His best friend called us, and offered us a two-bedroom condo.. it's smaller than this place, but it's also much cheaper -- $200 cheaper.  Also, no hydro bill - that's going to be nice as well.

But it means moving.  We've not moved in about fifteen years.  This is our house.  This is our neighbourhood.  The people in this area know us.  But now, we're suddenly leaving.  I don't like this change, I don't want to move.  I want to live here forever.

There's so much that needs to be done, and .. it feels like we're going to be leaving something behind.  I don't like that feeling.. like there's something here, and we're going to abandon it.  I think it's because of Neko and Minou.. and perhaps Mau.  Kit kinda felt this way when he left his place on Fisher, after Kitty died, and this is .. close.. to that.

I dunno.  I just don't like it.  New place, having to get used to new people.. damn it.  Fortunately, we'll still only need one bus to get to Kanata.. and we'll also be closer to Malcolm's place.  And there's a swimming pool there we can use, so Kit can go swimming (want to place bets on how often?  Probably not that often, but you never know).  The swimming pool is saltwater, so that's interesting.

But I don't want interesting.  I want.. safe.  And this place is safe.  But we can't afford it..

I don't know.. I don't like this.. I don't like any of this.

Spiritual Journey

Samantha here,

Mm, I tried writing something, but I didn't like how it sounded.  I'm kinda not in the writing mood, but I did want to say my thoughts on a matter.  So I deleted the whole thing, to start over.

Kit's registered with a Shinto shrine.. specifically, the one in Seattle that's got a shrine to Ame no Uzume no Mikoto.. the goddess of the dawn and celebration.  Kinda a funny story here.. my friend Paul was running a Scion game - this is a game where you play the offspring of gods.  I decided to make a daughter of Ame no Uzume.. who takes her role as a shrine maiden / priestess of her mother quite seriously (and is also a doctor, but that's not entirely relevant to this story).  Paul set his game in Seattle, because he kinda likes the place, and I thought that was cool.  Then I found out there's a Shinto shrine just north of Seattle.  Then I find out it's a shrine to Ame no Uzume. Then I found out she was, essentially, the first shrine maiden.  Isn't that cool?

Anyway.. after all that, I've felt a bond with Ame no Uzume no Mikoto.  I want to go to Seattle, and I want to kneel in front of her shrine, and pray to her.  I want to feel.. something.. a part of something.  Kit's now an actual, official Shinto follower, and I want to be too.  He's hoping to visit Seattle - and I've been pushing for that extra hard.  I want to go there, I want to talk with the high priest .. he seems an awesome fellow.. and I want to see if there's anything he can do for me.

And I want a shrine to Ame no Uzume to bring home, so I can talk with her, too.  And hopefully, I can be enshrined myself.. not as a part of Kit, but as me, myself.  It feels important.

Kit had an argument with mom about this kind of thing, actually.  She doesn't understand, and Kit couldn't really tell her that a part of it is my needs, either.  She doesn't understand what I go through, and the doubts and the worries I experience.  Kit's got a bit of a worry about his impending mortality, but it's worse for me.. what happens to me, to Legion, to my brothers and my sister when he dies?

It's something I'm not comfortable with.. and I'm hoping, maybe, somehow, visiting the shrine and talking with the high priest, may give me some answers.. let's hope, right?

Yeah, I think this sounds a lot better than what I was saying before.

Mark:  This isn't something I've really thought about myself.  I'm not a spiritual person, not like Kit, who takes religion Very Seriously, or Samantha, who feels aimless and needs some sort of assurance that she's not doomed to simply vanishing upon death.  In some ways, I find the concept of death as something that I may welcome - a release from my duties, you might say.  At death, I'm free.  Will I have an afterlife?  Will I simply cease to be?  I don't know, and it doesn't bother me that much.  Do I get upset when someone I care for passes?  No, strangely enough, I don't.  I mean Chris was broken up when Minou died, he gets upset when a family member dies, and he still is sad about the loss of Kitty, and Samantha was upset herself, and gets scared and antsy any time there's a death, and the loss of Minou caused Daryl to completely lose his shit, but I don't really feel these things.  Death isn't something I'm worried about.  I don't know why, but there you have it.  I guess, perhaps, because I don't get much of a sense of living, I'm in a waiting state of sorts, so perhaps that's what it is.  I don't have, I feel, much to lose in death, because there's not much that I have gained.  When I die, those who know me may be upset, but I think it will be upset at the total loss, not of me, myself.  After all, when Chris dies, so does Legion.  And I think most people will be more in mourning about losing Chris, than of Samantha, or Daryl, or myself.  This is worse for some of the others, because they don't have the connections that Chris or Samantha has - who will mourn Bard?  Or Dark?  Shawn, or Sonic?  Guardian, or Claudia?  We exist, some stronger than others, but there will not really be anyone to mourn us, because nobody truly tried to get to know us as individuals.  Instead, it was more a matter of knowing Chris, then knowing us through him.  And I'm willing to accept that.  When the time comes, I will go, and that will be it.  I don't see a reason to fear death.  I have so little to lose.

A Loss In The Family

Samantha:  It's often hard for us.. we react in a variety of ways to certain pressures, and a death in the family is perhaps one of the hardest things for us to deal with.  Today, we had to put one of our cats to sleep.  Minou had been wasting away - and at an alarming rate in more recent weeks, and we tried everything we could to look after her, but there wasn't anything more we could do.

We never deal with death well.  It is a rather horrific experience for us, because as a group, we have our own doubts and fears about death.  So, each time it happens, there's a strange mix of reactions, and who gets the most public reaction depends on what the conditions are.  At our grandfather's funeral, things were subdued, at our great grandmother's funeral, there were hysterics, and this was no different.

We'd prepared ourselves as best we could over the last week, knowing that she wasn't healthy, and that she wasn't going to get better - it was more about how long we could stave off the inevitable.  Unfortunately, while we had hoped for 'weeks' or 'months' , we got 'days'.

The hardest hit was our little brother, Daryl.  We had tried our best to look after Minou and make her feel as comfortable as we could the last few days, giving her extra cuddles, holding her in our arms, and letting her sleep with us in bed when she was inclined to.  Today had been a good day for her - she was energetic, she drank her water, and she was extra affectionate.  This, of course, made the finale a lot harder for us, because she looked like she could have gotten better.. though her weight said otherwise.  She'd gone from 3.2 kg to 2.7, and she would only lose more weight if we delayed - she was already skin and bones..

When we made the decision, we were bracing for it.. but we should have looked away.  When they put the syringe into her, Daryl screamed at us.. you're killing her! and we couldn't take it.  Kit felt extra guilty at that point, and we just broke down.  He still hears that now, from time to time, and it's very hard on him.  And then of course, there's the memories, and wishing there had been more time.

No.  We don't take this very well at all.. and we're not looking forward to having to do this again in the future.  This time however, I have to say, was better than before.  The staff were understanding.  They took their time with us.  They talked with us when we needed to make the hard decisions, and they gave us space when we needed our privacy to grieve.  They gave us options, unlike the staff with Kitty, and this helped, I think.  We're getting Minou's cremains brought home, and we have a special place for them.

Kit joked that it is almost Shinto, keeping her ashes in a small box on his desk.  I joked to him that we could get a shrine ordered, and keep her with the shrine - but maybe it isn't so much of a joke after all.  She's with the kami now, isn't she?