Limited RAM

 Mark

People understand the spoon theory.  A person has only so many spoons to use up during a day on tasks, and different tasks - even things which you would think would be fun - use up your spoons.

We have a different problem.  RAM.

How much attention can be used doing what at the same time.

For example, Kit may be doing the following:

• Writing for a project.
• Listening to music to keep Bard entertained.
• Taking a short break to watch a YouTube video which interests me, Daryl, Troy, or Shawn.

This usually being:

•  The Lockpicking Lawyer (guy who picks locks on camera with ease)
• Pimpnite (Pokemon battles showing incredible strategy)
• Kicking Mustang (airsoft extreme sniper skills)
• CritCrab (RPG implosions)
• Legal Eagle (discussion of law in the USA)
• Color-R-Touch (showing off high-quality Transformers action figures).
• Death Battle (geek discussion and strategy)
• Epic Rap Battle of History (sheer amusement)

We've got very disparate tastes, and usually we take turns spending 10-15 minutes on one or two videos to entertain the masses before Kit goes back to work.

When one of us comes up for whatever reason, it takes up RAM.  If we're passive - in that we're mostly just looking over Kit's shoulder, and maybe tossing out a short text every 10 to 15 minutes, it isn't much of a problem.  We briefly interrupt his flow, do our thing, then fall back and let him get back into things.  He's used to this, so it isn't that much different than watching a video, or answering a FB post, or when one of us fires off something on Twitter.  It's a mild interruption, and then we're back to equilibrium.

The problem starts when one of us has to be up for more significant periods of time, or have to deal with something that requires time to think, interact, and focus.  Then we're taking up more RAM, and that will hamper Kit's ability to function.

For example, if 'someone is wrong on the internet', and we get engaged in a debate.  Kit has to stop what he's doing until we're satisfied with the outcome (or walk away in disgust).  Sometimes it's a collaboration, like when Kit writes one of his essays on some RPG-related topic because it's hit a point more than one of us finds important (there's at least three gaming geeks in here, and a number of us are also fascinated by human psychology, history, religion, storytelling, and politics, so there's a lot of fuel for the creative fires of essay-writing when it comes to gaming).

This who are very familiar with me and Samantha know we aren't usually up and talking with people online unless it's for something scheduled (like gaming), or we're explicitly asked for - a rare thing for me, I almost never get asked for (though that's recently changed).

And those people know that we're going to have gasps.  We'll say our bit, then step back and let Kit do what he's doing, then if we're responded to, we'll come back and talk a little more, then step back, and so forth and so on.

This makes the RAM pendulum swing back and forth between a low load and a high load.  And that's fine, we can handle that.  However, when it becomes a point where we're needing to be up more and be more engaged, then we're dealing with a high load.

To some extent, we can handle that.  One of us is up when Kit is up - Kit shuts down a lot of what he's doing, allowing us to do what we need to be doing, and that's it until we're done.  If it goes on for some time, Kit essentially gives up his day and plans on doing stuff later.

(Which could be 'watch YouTube', 'tinker a bit with an RPG idea he's got in the back of his head', or 'watch Samantha play Warframe' - something he does to unwind).

Having more than one of us up at the same time is a severe strain on resources.  We tried it in a friend's Pathfinder game.  I was playing, Samantha was playing, and Kit was in the back seat.  Except he wasn't.  He helped me with my character, but it was a significant strain for us to do this - and usually what would happen is Samantha would go quiet, and let Kit and I do things.  And when Samantha was being active with her character, Kit and I would retreat so she could do things.

This is usually what happens when Kit, Samantha, and I are involved in gaming.  I'll be quiet and let Samantha do her thing.  Then she goes quiet and lets me do my thing.  And we alternate back and forth.  To make things easier, though, lately, if Samantha's playing, we don't.  Kit lets her have her time.  It helps let her have time up - but it's been difficult, because the rest of Legion gets bored, and then looks at reading, or YouTube, or whatever, and that pulls RAM from Samantha, so she goes quiet.

This has become an issue recently.

Samantha has an SO.  This SO wants time with her during the day, and the two have gotten into a pattern of being active for a lot of the day if possible.  This uses a lot of RAM, so Kit's stopped most of his daily routine to allow for it.  Because he makes sacrifices like that.  This has also completely buggered our sleep schedule, since Kit wants to do things and unwind, and that means doing it at 3-5 in the morning, then passing out around 11-12 and sleeping until 4-5 at night, falling asleep again at 11 pm to 1 am or so, then waking up at 3 to 4 am again.

And now I'm a part of this.  I've been asked to be more engaged with one of my SOs as well.  That will basically redline our RAM.  Kit trying to do anything, while Samantha's trying to be engaged, while I try to be engaged.  Something has to give, because we can't function like that.  It would be like having Kit and Samantha and me all active with full characters at the gaming table.  It just won't happen.

And if we do the usual Samantha/me swap like we might do at the gaming table, then one or the other of us goes quiet for extended periods of time while the other's engaged.

And if Kit wants to do anything at all, we both fall quiet.

Shawn's solution is simple, but cuts to the bone.

No, we're not going to be active full time during the day.  Yes, we can engage with others, but there's hard limits.  We're secondary riders, we're not primary.  Anything that draws Kit's attention draws his attention.  We may not get the chance to say 'AFK' or or anything, we may be quiet for 15 minutes, or an hour, or four hours.  It happens.

In other words - the old status quo.

If we're wanted - come to us.  Don't wait for us to come to you.  We might.  Sometimes.  But it won't be the normal situation.  We need to be 'pinged' so we know to come up.  Why?  Because if Kit's in the zone, he's using almost all the RAM on whatever he's doing, plus entertaining Daryl and the others for short breaks while he relaxes and gathers energy.

The old status quo.

We'll be easier to get in touch with during the night - usually 9-11 or so, give or take.  Kit's less busy, there's less demands, and he's used to loosening the leash so to speak, so we can talk to people.  This will usually allow one of us up and active if we get pinged, and we can be more engaged.  For example, Kit may be talking to his friend (Samantha's boyfriend), Samantha may be talking with her girlfriend (not her SO for this example), and in between Kit may be running a game.  If Kit needs more attention on the game, though, he'll go quiet on his friend, and Samantha will go quiet as she focusses on her character's responses.

People who've been with us for at least 5 or more years are used to this by now.  There's no complaints or anything - one of them may 'poke' to get attention, but usually not, they wait to see if Kit or Samantha come back - and sometimes it doesn't happen.  One might wish a 'goodnight', and the other just goes to bed.

Now, if I want to talk with Kit's friend (since he's my friend too), Samantha will go quiet, and slip out for the night, letting me have my time.  She doesn't talk to anyone else, because three-way rapid swapping leads to headaches.

As you might imagine, all of this has been thrown into disarray.  We're trying to find a new status quo, which allows us to function without redlining.  And it's a work in progress.

Shawn, being the one with the keen insight, points out that we should go back to the status quo.  It lets us function, it's how we've lived for the last 25 years.  Those who are new to interacting with us just need to understand this and go along with it.  The problem is - if they're unhappy, and Kit or Samantha knows they're unhappy, it causes discord, and they try to adapt, even if it's to their detriment to do so.

If the other people can accept it, however.  'It is what it is'.  Then yes, going back to status quo would work out.  There needs to be a talk, and it needs to be concluded.

With all that said, Legion wishes you a Happy 2021.  Thank the gods 2020 is over.

Gold Stars

Samantha

Warning, this post is gonna be political.

So someone I saw on Twitter has a friend. That friend voted for Trump.  That friend no longer likes Trump. That friend is straddling the line between Republican and Democrat. So far, in my books, that's a strike against him.

Said friend doesn't feel he fits into either Party. He believes in equality for everyone, love who you want to love, and so forth.  Okay, fine.  But he doesn't believe White Privilege exists. That's a heavy strike in my books.  And third, he doesn't feel like he's understood as a white person.

Holy shit.  Stop right there.

Now, the person I was watching said this guy's trying to change. And then asked, "What do you say to a white male who says he doesn't feel like he's respected anymore in society?"

Respected.

For being white.

My answer?  "Sorry, I'm trying to limit my salt intake."

Triage

 Samantha.

Fuck my life.

There's a good thing that happened.  I have another girlfriend.  She's awesome.  I love her.  But there is a problem connected to this wonderful thing.  We want to spend a lot of time talking to one another.  This is a good thing, I think.  I mean, my boyfriend and I haven't talked much - though we're doing it more, and my talking with my other girlfriend is sporadic normally.  The problem is, however, balancing.  One of my brothers now has, count them, two girlfriends.  And our other brother now has a serious writing job, and has a lot of staff working under him.  So now we're needing to juggle.

So we kind of have a list of 'tasks' which are juggled, and we need to figure out which ones are high priority and which aren't, and which need to be 'turned off', and... it's all of a thing.

Like, here's how it works as a list:

• Brother 1 and writing.
• Brother 1 and talking business on Discord.
• Brother 1 and talking to other group on Discord.
• Brother 1 and talking to third group on Discord vis-a-vis games being run.
• Brother 1 and talking to fourth group on Discord vis-a-vis other games being run.
• Brother 1 and game he's playing in.
• Brother 1 and his wife.
• Brother 1 and his family.
• Brother 1 and his in-laws.
• Brother 1 and checking FB and making / answering posts.
• Brother 1 and checking Twitter and making / answering posts.
• Brother 1 checking e-mail and keeping caught up.
• Brother 1 and unwinding by listening to music / watching YouTube.
• Me and group on Discord.
• Me and game I'm playing in.
• Me and other game I'm playing in.
• Me and boyfriend.
• Me and best friend.
• Me and girlfriend #1
• Me and girlfriend #2
• Brother 2 and girlfriend #1
• Brother 2 and girlfriend #2
• Brother 2 and best friend.
• Brother 3 and wanting to be entertained.

I'm probably missing some.  But at any given point 5-6 of these things are happening at the same time.  And the more of us up to handle it, the more strain there is.  The question becomes 'what is given higher priority' and 'which are dropped for now'.  And this becomes 'how many of us need to pay attention' and 'how many things do we need to pay attention to', and 'how much focus is needed for any given task' and 'how many things are pulling us away from focus' and 'how much sleep have we had' and 'how much energy do we have' and 'what time of day is it', and ...

Bleah.  It's a mess.  There's a lot of good going on, but we've only got so many ways we can let ourselves be pulled one way or another, and ... it's a balancing act and we're trying to deal with it and figure out how to spin the plates without it all coming down.

The Story of Legion

Legion:

So, we don't know if we've shared this story - it's from the Bible.  You see, there was a guy who was possessed by many demons, and he was hiding out far away from civilization.  Jesus comes up to the guy, and the demons beg not to be banished - and instead to be sent over to a herd if pigs.  Jesus does so, the pigs go wild, rush into the river, and drown.  Problem solved.

Now, the easy way to look at it is 'Jesus saw a man possessed by demons and cured him, and the demons all committed suicide, the end'.

---

But that's kind of shallow.  Try this.

Guy's possessed.  The demons get him away from the people who would probably stone him to death, and puts him someplace where he won't get hurt.

Jesus shows up.  The demons beg him not to banish them.  So, he listens to them, and sends them off to the pigs.  They immediately kill the hosts.  Note they didn't kill the guy - they could have, easily, but they didn't.

Once the pigs are dead, the demons are free.  They're not in some infernal pit or anything, they're free to go and be themselves.

---

That's compassion.  The demons looked after the host.

Jesus listened to the demons and spared them.

We feel a connection to that story.  We want to be free, but not at the cost of our host.  When we feel the fits come on, we try to isolate if we can, so nobody gets hurt.  This is why we took the name Legion for ourselves.  They aren't the villains of that story.  They were as much a victim as their host.

Sexual Assault

Kit (With Support from Legion)

Let's talk about sexual assault, and how it applies to men.

Because when women talk about sexual assault, there's a lot of things men simply don't understand.  Men are assaulted a lot less than women are, and the entire social construct surrounding it is quite different.  How men deal with sexual assault is entirely different than how women deal with it.  The expectations surrounding it are different.  I'm going to talk a bit about what happened to me, and what happened to someone I know - though in their case I won't be naming names.

I've been sexually assaulted three times.

To be more explicit:  I've had people initiate sex with me without my permission.

Twice, a woman initiated sex with me while I was asleep.

Once, a man initiated sex with me while I was asleep.  In this case, with two other men watching.

Now, my reaction was more surprise than anything.  Did it feel good?  Certainly.  But that isn't the point, is it?  It's the fact that there was no consent involved.  That makes it sexual assault.  Even if I was okay with it, it's still sexual assault.

Most men would say, of the women 'hey, that's cool' -- which is missing the point, but also which makes my point.  A lot of men will think 'hey, waking up to a girl going down on me that I barely know is cool'.  And that's the point - the psychology there is completely different than for a woman, who goes 'holy shit, some guy I barely know is having sex with me'.  Which is a distinctly bad thing, because 1) they don't know this person, 2) the power dynamic is different, and 3) the girl can get pregnant or get an STI.  Most guys kind of ignore #1, don't need to worry about #2, and have no concerns about #3.

Of the guy, if the person's straight, they are going to freak the hell out.  If they're bi (like me), it isn't so bad.  (For the record, it was oral - but that's still sex).  I barely knew the guy (I knew him online, but not face-to-face).  I was relatively chill about it - until I noticed I had witnesses, then I almost died of embarrassment.  But think about it - if you're totally straight - your reaction would be totally different, right?  For a woman?  That's the reaction to some guy doing stuff that she didn't ask for.

That I am chill about this isn't relevant.  How the world reacts to it is.

What happens if the girl has a partner?  Me, being the guy, gets the blame.  Regardless of who started it or the circumstances around it.  Why?  Because I'm a guy.  But for most people, they'd be like 'hey, that's cool'.

But if I was a girl?  Then it's my fault because I somehow 'made it happen'.  It isn't high-5s all around because I got some.  There's a lot of pressure to shame women for being the victim.  And honestly, that sucks.

---

So, next.  A guy I know got raped a little while ago.  He was drugged, and sodomized by a pair of guys, and left for dead.  He survived, and hid what happened to him from his family.  It only came out when he damn near died from syphilis.  He had trouble admitting what happened to him - and being a guy, he didn't want to tell anyone, he wanted to treat it as a non-event.

And that's dangerous.  It almost killed him.

The pressure on a guy who's been sexually assaulted is to hide it, because it's not 'manly'.  That you're a less of a man for being assaulted.  And that sucks.  The entire situation there is horrific.

So yes.  Men do get raped.  But the entire situation and the entire dynamic is completely different between men and women.  When women talk about assault - we should shut up and listen.  We should be supportive.  We shouldn't do a vague 'well, guys get assaulted to', because while that is true, the dynamics are different.

If a guy has been assaulted, and it's traumatic?  Then listen.  Help.  I doubt any guy's going to say, 'well, women get assaulted too' - because who the hell would do that?

Like, I'm not looking for sympathy for what happened to me.  I accepted it - and I moved on.  However, that doesn't change the fact it happened.  That there wasn't consent.  If I wasn't chill about it I could have laid charges.  And it would have been a really weird social storm because of it, because the situation for guys, as I said, is completely different.

Dysphoria

Samantha

Had a series of dysphoric dreams, one after another after another.

Started with me trying a semi-permanent make-up like thing to try to look more feminine, then going into a washroom to pee - and a friend of mine (Zoly) opening the door on me, leaving it open for the public to see me.  So, was hanging out with Zoly and a few others (including a friend named Dana), and she was surprised to see me.  And when I asked if I looked good, she was honest and said 'no', it looks terrible.

Then, I got an e-mail, inviting me to go to an event - if you can give a good reason, they had a means for altering how you looked.  So I hurried there, only to find out it was for people who had taken part in a kind of 'break and win' lottery system.  They were nice enough to give me a ticket to 'be there', and they started showing a film about locally grown fruit and stuff - and I recognized the background music and the voice actor for it.  But ... the video was somewhat trans-unfriendly, so I left.  I needed to find a place to go to the bathroom - wanted to use the woman's stall, but couldn't ... and couldn't find a bathroom anywhere.  Came across Cat and mom, who were there to see me.

Finally found a bathroom, and started scraping the make-up off with some of the face cloths they had here - it was a fitness center, and it felt really hard to find privacy while I did that.  Another friend, (Terrel) was there from the US with family, to celebrate a brother's birthday, but at least he was being supportive, but the make-up was almost impossible to scrape and rub off.

I woke up feeling very dissatisfied with myself and the world as a whole, though..

The Tulpa Experiment

Samantha:  Tonight, my brother made his first attempt at turning me into a tulpa.  It was an a literal thought-experiment, the idea of giving me my own body, my own voice, my own presence, that was completely separate from his.

You see, we recently learned what a tulpa was.  It's kinda like a combination of self-hypnosis, along with some honest-to-the-goddess summoning techniques.  The idea is that you create a thought-form of the entity you want, and then you shape the appearance, the personality, and then you train your thought form into thinking as an individual, apart from yourself.

Or, in our case, we create the visualization, and I try to inhabit it.

We've got a bit of a headache / neck-ache, and the first run didn't go as well as we could.  It's actually pretty damn hard for our brother to achieve a hypnotic state - in three tries so far, it's only worked once.  But we're gonna try to plug at it until it works, to see what results we get.  I really want to get my own body, even if it's made of imagination.  It's more than what I've got now, and if it helps me to break off and be more independent, that's awesome.

The one thing that kinda worries me - does this mean losing my online presence, or do I have to work through my siblings?  Dunno.