In the Way

Samantha

Nothing ends the day like feeling like you're an inconvenience in someone else's life. Being reminded how much you have to depend on others just to be able to have anything resembling a normal life - being able to do normal things.  Being more than just an afterthought.

Everyone who actually thinks about me as me lives in another province, or another fucking country. The people around me? If I disappeared for a few months, I doubt they'd even notice. Hell, I could probably fall off the planet and I think maybe one person might notice, because that one person actually takes the time to reach out and talk to me from time to time.

I pointed out my little brother, Daryl, is neglected all the time. When he does come up, he's met with behave or no. The kid can't get a break, because there's nobody who's really interested in the same things he's interested in, or has the time to just sit down and play with him and talk with him.  He's got a few toys now, but they 'take up space' and have to be put away for more adult things, so he gets discouraged and just ... stops playing.

Really.  I just want a stable relationship, and friends who see me for me, not as a +1 to Kit's life.  I want to be able to go do things with friends, without feeling like I'm being a burden for simply existing and wanting things.

And I was having such a good weekend, too.

Limited RAM

 Mark

People understand the spoon theory.  A person has only so many spoons to use up during a day on tasks, and different tasks - even things which you would think would be fun - use up your spoons.

We have a different problem.  RAM.

How much attention can be used doing what at the same time.

For example, Kit may be doing the following:

• Writing for a project.
• Listening to music to keep Bard entertained.
• Taking a short break to watch a YouTube video which interests me, Daryl, Troy, or Shawn.

This usually being:

•  The Lockpicking Lawyer (guy who picks locks on camera with ease)
• Pimpnite (Pokemon battles showing incredible strategy)
• Kicking Mustang (airsoft extreme sniper skills)
• CritCrab (RPG implosions)
• Legal Eagle (discussion of law in the USA)
• Color-R-Touch (showing off high-quality Transformers action figures).
• Death Battle (geek discussion and strategy)
• Epic Rap Battle of History (sheer amusement)

We've got very disparate tastes, and usually we take turns spending 10-15 minutes on one or two videos to entertain the masses before Kit goes back to work.

When one of us comes up for whatever reason, it takes up RAM.  If we're passive - in that we're mostly just looking over Kit's shoulder, and maybe tossing out a short text every 10 to 15 minutes, it isn't much of a problem.  We briefly interrupt his flow, do our thing, then fall back and let him get back into things.  He's used to this, so it isn't that much different than watching a video, or answering a FB post, or when one of us fires off something on Twitter.  It's a mild interruption, and then we're back to equilibrium.

The problem starts when one of us has to be up for more significant periods of time, or have to deal with something that requires time to think, interact, and focus.  Then we're taking up more RAM, and that will hamper Kit's ability to function.

For example, if 'someone is wrong on the internet', and we get engaged in a debate.  Kit has to stop what he's doing until we're satisfied with the outcome (or walk away in disgust).  Sometimes it's a collaboration, like when Kit writes one of his essays on some RPG-related topic because it's hit a point more than one of us finds important (there's at least three gaming geeks in here, and a number of us are also fascinated by human psychology, history, religion, storytelling, and politics, so there's a lot of fuel for the creative fires of essay-writing when it comes to gaming).

This who are very familiar with me and Samantha know we aren't usually up and talking with people online unless it's for something scheduled (like gaming), or we're explicitly asked for - a rare thing for me, I almost never get asked for (though that's recently changed).

And those people know that we're going to have gasps.  We'll say our bit, then step back and let Kit do what he's doing, then if we're responded to, we'll come back and talk a little more, then step back, and so forth and so on.

This makes the RAM pendulum swing back and forth between a low load and a high load.  And that's fine, we can handle that.  However, when it becomes a point where we're needing to be up more and be more engaged, then we're dealing with a high load.

To some extent, we can handle that.  One of us is up when Kit is up - Kit shuts down a lot of what he's doing, allowing us to do what we need to be doing, and that's it until we're done.  If it goes on for some time, Kit essentially gives up his day and plans on doing stuff later.

(Which could be 'watch YouTube', 'tinker a bit with an RPG idea he's got in the back of his head', or 'watch Samantha play Warframe' - something he does to unwind).

Having more than one of us up at the same time is a severe strain on resources.  We tried it in a friend's Pathfinder game.  I was playing, Samantha was playing, and Kit was in the back seat.  Except he wasn't.  He helped me with my character, but it was a significant strain for us to do this - and usually what would happen is Samantha would go quiet, and let Kit and I do things.  And when Samantha was being active with her character, Kit and I would retreat so she could do things.

This is usually what happens when Kit, Samantha, and I are involved in gaming.  I'll be quiet and let Samantha do her thing.  Then she goes quiet and lets me do my thing.  And we alternate back and forth.  To make things easier, though, lately, if Samantha's playing, we don't.  Kit lets her have her time.  It helps let her have time up - but it's been difficult, because the rest of Legion gets bored, and then looks at reading, or YouTube, or whatever, and that pulls RAM from Samantha, so she goes quiet.

This has become an issue recently.

Samantha has an SO.  This SO wants time with her during the day, and the two have gotten into a pattern of being active for a lot of the day if possible.  This uses a lot of RAM, so Kit's stopped most of his daily routine to allow for it.  Because he makes sacrifices like that.  This has also completely buggered our sleep schedule, since Kit wants to do things and unwind, and that means doing it at 3-5 in the morning, then passing out around 11-12 and sleeping until 4-5 at night, falling asleep again at 11 pm to 1 am or so, then waking up at 3 to 4 am again.

And now I'm a part of this.  I've been asked to be more engaged with one of my SOs as well.  That will basically redline our RAM.  Kit trying to do anything, while Samantha's trying to be engaged, while I try to be engaged.  Something has to give, because we can't function like that.  It would be like having Kit and Samantha and me all active with full characters at the gaming table.  It just won't happen.

And if we do the usual Samantha/me swap like we might do at the gaming table, then one or the other of us goes quiet for extended periods of time while the other's engaged.

And if Kit wants to do anything at all, we both fall quiet.

Shawn's solution is simple, but cuts to the bone.

No, we're not going to be active full time during the day.  Yes, we can engage with others, but there's hard limits.  We're secondary riders, we're not primary.  Anything that draws Kit's attention draws his attention.  We may not get the chance to say 'AFK' or or anything, we may be quiet for 15 minutes, or an hour, or four hours.  It happens.

In other words - the old status quo.

If we're wanted - come to us.  Don't wait for us to come to you.  We might.  Sometimes.  But it won't be the normal situation.  We need to be 'pinged' so we know to come up.  Why?  Because if Kit's in the zone, he's using almost all the RAM on whatever he's doing, plus entertaining Daryl and the others for short breaks while he relaxes and gathers energy.

The old status quo.

We'll be easier to get in touch with during the night - usually 9-11 or so, give or take.  Kit's less busy, there's less demands, and he's used to loosening the leash so to speak, so we can talk to people.  This will usually allow one of us up and active if we get pinged, and we can be more engaged.  For example, Kit may be talking to his friend (Samantha's boyfriend), Samantha may be talking with her girlfriend (not her SO for this example), and in between Kit may be running a game.  If Kit needs more attention on the game, though, he'll go quiet on his friend, and Samantha will go quiet as she focusses on her character's responses.

People who've been with us for at least 5 or more years are used to this by now.  There's no complaints or anything - one of them may 'poke' to get attention, but usually not, they wait to see if Kit or Samantha come back - and sometimes it doesn't happen.  One might wish a 'goodnight', and the other just goes to bed.

Now, if I want to talk with Kit's friend (since he's my friend too), Samantha will go quiet, and slip out for the night, letting me have my time.  She doesn't talk to anyone else, because three-way rapid swapping leads to headaches.

As you might imagine, all of this has been thrown into disarray.  We're trying to find a new status quo, which allows us to function without redlining.  And it's a work in progress.

Shawn, being the one with the keen insight, points out that we should go back to the status quo.  It lets us function, it's how we've lived for the last 25 years.  Those who are new to interacting with us just need to understand this and go along with it.  The problem is - if they're unhappy, and Kit or Samantha knows they're unhappy, it causes discord, and they try to adapt, even if it's to their detriment to do so.

If the other people can accept it, however.  'It is what it is'.  Then yes, going back to status quo would work out.  There needs to be a talk, and it needs to be concluded.

With all that said, Legion wishes you a Happy 2021.  Thank the gods 2020 is over.

Triage

 Samantha.

Fuck my life.

There's a good thing that happened.  I have another girlfriend.  She's awesome.  I love her.  But there is a problem connected to this wonderful thing.  We want to spend a lot of time talking to one another.  This is a good thing, I think.  I mean, my boyfriend and I haven't talked much - though we're doing it more, and my talking with my other girlfriend is sporadic normally.  The problem is, however, balancing.  One of my brothers now has, count them, two girlfriends.  And our other brother now has a serious writing job, and has a lot of staff working under him.  So now we're needing to juggle.

So we kind of have a list of 'tasks' which are juggled, and we need to figure out which ones are high priority and which aren't, and which need to be 'turned off', and... it's all of a thing.

Like, here's how it works as a list:

• Brother 1 and writing.
• Brother 1 and talking business on Discord.
• Brother 1 and talking to other group on Discord.
• Brother 1 and talking to third group on Discord vis-a-vis games being run.
• Brother 1 and talking to fourth group on Discord vis-a-vis other games being run.
• Brother 1 and game he's playing in.
• Brother 1 and his wife.
• Brother 1 and his family.
• Brother 1 and his in-laws.
• Brother 1 and checking FB and making / answering posts.
• Brother 1 and checking Twitter and making / answering posts.
• Brother 1 checking e-mail and keeping caught up.
• Brother 1 and unwinding by listening to music / watching YouTube.
• Me and group on Discord.
• Me and game I'm playing in.
• Me and other game I'm playing in.
• Me and boyfriend.
• Me and best friend.
• Me and girlfriend #1
• Me and girlfriend #2
• Brother 2 and girlfriend #1
• Brother 2 and girlfriend #2
• Brother 2 and best friend.
• Brother 3 and wanting to be entertained.

I'm probably missing some.  But at any given point 5-6 of these things are happening at the same time.  And the more of us up to handle it, the more strain there is.  The question becomes 'what is given higher priority' and 'which are dropped for now'.  And this becomes 'how many of us need to pay attention' and 'how many things do we need to pay attention to', and 'how much focus is needed for any given task' and 'how many things are pulling us away from focus' and 'how much sleep have we had' and 'how much energy do we have' and 'what time of day is it', and ...

Bleah.  It's a mess.  There's a lot of good going on, but we've only got so many ways we can let ourselves be pulled one way or another, and ... it's a balancing act and we're trying to deal with it and figure out how to spin the plates without it all coming down.

There's Always Complications

Samantha

I've kinda stopped playing Guild Wars 2.  There was a lot of drama - not with me, but in general.  People I was hanging out with kind of went away, my guild was barely being represented, and things kind of fell apart.  The people I wanted to go run around with already did the material, so it was rehashing for them, or weren't really that interested anymore.

So it stopped being fun.  Kit's the person who's okay running around all by himself and seeing things, I'm the person who wants a group of friends to hang out with and chat with while I'm running around with them, the group of us seeing new things, and sharing the experience of exploring.  I mean, this is kinda what I did in Guild Wars 1 - I had a group, we met up once a week, and we pushed through the storylines, seeing what was going on.  When I got into GW2, it kinda fell apart, people went their own way, or stopped showing up at all.  I had to make a new group of friends for the game, and.. well, that didn't last long.

This whole thing with 'you can be in more than one guild' sucked.. because there were bigger guilds, more active guilds, guilds who had dozens and scores of members and who got all the 'good stuff', and.. left me with nothing.

Going into Warframe, we've got a bunch of new players coming in, or people who've not played in awhile and are just really getting into it again now.  Michelle's Clan had two members before I joined, and now I think we're close to 10 or so.  There's a few people on through the day, and we can team up and do stuff and chat on Discord while we're running around - and it's fun!

There's two people I was hoping would really get into it - enjoying something that I enjoy.. but.. yeah.  There's complications.  They're both pretty laconic when it comes to groups, fading into the background unless you specifically talk to them.. and one doesn't enjoy groups that much, while the other one's got.. reservations.. about the Clan because of certain dynamics.

They're both kinda important to me - I want them to have fun in something I'm enjoying.  I want to do things with them.  But it looks like that's not really going to happen.  So I'm conflicted.  I could spend less time doing something I'm enjoying to hang out with them - even if it means doing things less fun, or I can try to drag them into this.. knowing they're not having fun.. or I can spend less time with them, feeling bad about enjoying something without them.

And it all sucks.

A part of me is also worried that the 'new game' shine is going to fade for the people I'm hanging out with, leaving me abandoned again.  Typically, when this starts up, I'll be the first to bail - go find something else to do to distract me from feeling alone when things get complicated.  I don't want to do that to Michelle though, so I'll stick around.. but I'm worried I'm going to get hurt again, that I'll look around, and the people I was hanging out with have all gone to do something else.

:<

All I want is a game, and friends I care about who play the game with me, and us having fun.  Why is it so hard to find something so simple?

Life in the 80s

Kit
The 80s.
So, Stranger Things 2 is coming to Netflix.  I watched the first one, and it hit my 80s vibe so much.  There were a few things that I was disconnected from - living in Calgary is completely different than living in the USA.  But there was enough that hit home for me.

Back behind the Mobil home I lived in was a bunch of dunes we called the 'dirt tracks'.  This was dug out dirt that wound around the region - undeveloped land.  I'd go there with my friends, bike around the dunes, play with our action figures, and do jumps off this one space which was perfect for that.  Two or three or more of us would line up on one side, and someone would shoot down one side, up the other, and sail over us.  It was cool.  There was a pond with salamanders there as well, and we'd catch them, and let them go, or try to raise them if we could get an aquarium.

My mom and dad didn't want me in the house that much.  I'd go out, spend the entire day wandering around, doing what I wanted to do.  Sometimes this was hanging out and playing Dungeons and Dragons (hey!  like the kids in that show!) on someone's front porch or in their house.  Sometimes it was out to the 'dirt tracks', sometimes it was down at a friend's place, almost an hour's walk away, or a trip to the swimming pool, which was almost two hour's walk away, or sometimes it was to the closest shopping mall, well over two hour's walk away.

I didn't tell my parents where I was going usually - as long as I was home for supper, it was okay.  And if I was out after supper?  Home by 8-9 pm.  Not, you know, that I really paid that much attention to that.  I was sometimes late for dinner, and sometimes out a bit too late at night.

Some people talk about the tension in the 80s.  I never saw it.  Then again, I was naive as all hell.  There was this threat of nuclear war - but that worry was distant - in the back of my mind, as something that 'probably isn't going to happen'.  I didn't worry about it, I had other things on my mind.

So... here's where things get interesting.
If you know me... and if you've been paying attention, you know about Legion.  And, while I was completely unaware of them, they existed back then and went about their existence as best they could without me being aware.

We built entire mental scapes in my head for them, and what I thought was just 'hey, imagination!' was them doing things to enjoy themselves.  'What if this was real?'  'Let's set it up so this is going on', and other stuff.  They'd then inhabit what was built, and just entertain themselves.  It... was distracting.  Or, if I'd be going someplace, they'd swap me out, let me enjoy the stuff built into my head, and take over, enjoying the scenery as I walked from one end of Bowness to the other.

I think to some extent, they also protected me from the worst that was out there.  I can't tell you where the tipping point was.  I just know sometime - between Grade 3 and Grade 7, there was a change.  I went from 'me' to 'we'.  Or... maybe it was even before that, but... I don't think so.

My fights with Kyle?  Not always me.  It was probably Mark who chased Kyle down the street to defend our friend Brent.

The person who stood their ground for half an hour or more against a would-be-bully, laughing at the thought of seeing what this guy could do?  Not me.  Probably Shawn.

The person who threw themselves at a student in Jr. High, without any thought of who the person was, or personal safety?  That was Dark.

The person who *almost* clocked a teacher in the back of the head for insulting us in front of the whole class?  Probably Shawn - and THANK THE GODDESS I stopped him before it happened.

But these were also the people who kept me company when I was alone at home.  I wasn't allowed company over, so if I wasn't outside, with friends, I was alone.  So they kept me company.  We'd play with my action figures together, giving them names and personalities.  They'd help me work out ideas in my head - thinking about distant places, or 'what ifs'.

I just didn't know it at the time.  But then, I didn't have any point of reference - I thought everyone talked to themselves, and heard themselves answer in other voices.

Daryl was there - my younger brother.  Immature, impulsive.  There was Sonic as well, who ... well, admittedly, was very, very strange.  Bard was there, playing constant music in my head (though these days, it sometimes sounds external, too.)

I wonder what it would have been like if I knew who they were.  If I realized 'I' was 'we'.  I honestly don't know, but I'm kind of sad I didn't get to acknowledge my brothers (and sister) when I was a lot younger.

---

I remember some of the girls I hung out with and knew at the time.  I had no idea how to deal with women except for 'hey, it's a person I know, and I shouldn't treat them differently than anyone else - except no hitting.'  Initials go here. RL, MB and CL, J? and SD, RB and PG.  And of course, there was the woman who lived across the street from me - I don't remember her name, but... seriously.  I was 18, and she was well into her 20s, and what the hell did she see in me?

There's things I remember from my time in Calgary about them, and some of these things... I don't think they remember.  RL didn't remember when I'd hurt her feelings, but I feel glad that I was able to call her up and apologize.  Seriously, when someone's model-level attractive and you have no idea how to even comprehend they're in the same airspace as you... yeah.  I shouldn't have teased, but I didn't have any idea what to even *think*.  I still have a soft spot in my heart for Bluehawk.  She's shown up a few times in my D&D games.

CL triggered my ASMR one evening.  Sitting in a semi-dark room, laying backwards from one another (head-at-ankles), and she just started running her hand along my shin and ankle.  I mentioned that was relaxing, so she kept doing it.  There was nothing sexual about it - we were just talking about things, and then my brain switched off because OMG that was relaxing.  I could have sat there for hours, just talking, half-out of focus because it was so soothing.

Which reminds me - one time on the school bus, some girl behind me started stroking my hair.  My brain simply shut off, and I enjoyed the entire bus trip in a trance.  To this day, I've got no idea who it was - but whoever it was?  Thank you, that was ... bliss.

My friend Neil, at one point, found a letter from MB to BM - her boyfriend.  I got to read it briefly, and... you know?  I was a bit amused at what was said - but on some level, I got it.  She liked him, and that was fine.  I didn't mention this to anyone, because as far as I was concerned, it was private.  I was naive, sure, but... these were friends, and I saw no reason to tease them over a love-letter.  MB did me a favour once, though it was weird.  I'd never had a girlfriend, and she was sitting in BM's lap.  So, I asked if she could sit in my lap.  She did... and it was interesting.  I was like 'huh, okay, so this is a thing'.  It didn't get my hormones revved, but it explained some things to me, and ... I'm actually grateful.

J? and SD.  Two girls I seriously liked.  Those two girls were the ones who set my 'type' for the next decade.  J had almost-red hair, SD was blond, and ... while I didn't know them that well, they were kind of a 'night and day' for me.  SD was petite, and J was a touch tomboyish, and I was drawn to them for those reasons.  SD ... barely tolerated me, which is okay, because she wasn't cruel or anything.  J... I actually got the guts to ask her out once - and got shot down.  But she was nice about it - a simple 'no, sorry', and that was that.

RB.  My 'girlfriend'.  In that a common friend of us ours set us up as a pair.  Considering I knew nothing about how to handle a relationship, I... was okay.  We went out on a date once (to see Rooftops.  I won two tickets from Much Music).  That was fine.  We played RPGs together.  I kind of wish she didn't smoke.  And we never did anything really 'coupley' until my 18th birthday.  She put her arms around me, and I had NO IDEA how to react to that.  And ... I moved away that month, to Ottawa.  She wrote me, once.  I lost the envelope with her return address - then the letter from her disappeared.

That's my last regret for Calgary - that I have no idea where she is, how she's doing, and I never got the chance to write her back and say 'thank you'.  I hope she's doing okay.

PG.  She's on my list of 'solid friends'.  I hung out with her and her brothers, we played D&D and other games, and she was a solid friend.  I liked her, enjoyed hanging out with her, and while sometimes I was a brat, she was nothing but nice to me.  Heck, she let me sit in her room and read her Amethyst comic collection (which was kind of cool, honestly).  She was, at the time, the ideal of the 'platonic girlfriend'.  She's the person who pretty much trained me that 'you know, you can have friends, who are girls, and ... that's okay'.

---

The 80s were strange.  Complex in a lot of ways that I didn't understand, and incredibly simple in other ways.  It was like, my personal space was simple.  Life for me was simple.  But there was so much going on that I simply couldn't comprehend - I wasn't a part of it, it didn't touch me, and that was okay.

I remember someone having broken the wing of a seagull when I was in high school.  I went out, captured it in my sweater, put it in a box, went through class with it, and then took it to a wild animal clinic downtown with another student.

Had no idea who that student was, but she sat with me on the bus, helped me get it to the clinic, and that was that - never saw her again.

I remember my Phys Ed high school class, where a student suplexed me so hard it knocked the wind out of me.  That Christmas, my Phys Ed teacher (as Santa) brought me down in front of the entire school during assembly, sat me on his lap, and gave me a 50 pack of MUSCLE action figures as 'bodyguards'.

I laughed.  It was great.
Then I went home and wrote a wrestling-based RPG, because that's how my mind worked.  And then I sold it to my friend David for $10 before I moved to Ottawa.

Then I wrote it again.  Tweaked it a bit.

---

Things were not as fun or simple once I got to Ottawa.  Moving into a new house, not knowing anyone, trying to find a niche in high school where nobody knew me.  The stress my parents were going through, and me just not knowing how I 'fit' anywhere.

Rod was probably the greatest thing to happen to me, when I moved into Kanata.  Cat was the greatest thing to happen to me once I met her.  Rod was an anchor - he grounded me, and was the brother I needed.  Even when he moved away, he kept in touch with me, and I needed that.  When he moved back to Ottawa, it was great, we picked up as if we'd never parted ways.

---

Is there a point to this?  No, not really.  Just... I've not done this in a long, long time.  Just writing, and writing, and writing, letting my thoughts flow out.

It feels good.  But I should stop.

Goodnight.