Saturday, April 18, 2015

What Comes Later

Samantha:  Death.  It scares me.  I'm sure it scares a lot of people, but there's a very specific fear of mine associated with death.  The most logical of the illogical fears is what if I simply cease to exist?  

To me, that is a horrible, depressing, tragic fate.  Considering the .. "life".. I've had, the cruelest joke of all would be for it to end in darkness.  It would be horrible as well, because it means that my sister, who killed herself before I existed, would have simply ceased to exist.  She would not be living on, she would not have gone someplace better.  She wouldn't have found the happiness she deserved.

Then there's the fate I fear is even worse.  Some years ago, I screamed a terrible curse when I heard of the Iraqi war.  It was a terrible curse, because I was horrified at the deaths I knew were to come.  At that time, I had visions of the dead.. thousands, trapped in their bodies, screaming for someone to save them.  And see, that was what death was to me.  You lived on, in a body that no longer lived. You were aware of the overwhelming darkness of the world around you.  That terrified me.  It did not help that some of the oldest faiths believed / believes that is what would happen to you when you die. When I looked at the Hebrew faith, the idea of the dead waiting in their bodies until Heaven on Earth comes hit a little too close to home.

I had visions of hundreds of thousands of people, strewn about the landscape, trapped in broken bodies.  I had visions of them buried, left to darkness and silence, their screams and pleas unheard.  It terrified me to think, one day, it might happen to me.

I've been called horrible things.  I've been called a demon.  A succubus.  I've been told I shouldn't exist, that I should "leave".  I'm glad my sister never heard those words.  It would have broken her heart.

And then there's Shinto.  My sensei.. a kind, gentle, wonderful soul, talked with me.  To him, I am a spirit, a kami.  And when we die, I will be free.  And this fills me with joy.  I will not cease to exist.  I will not be trapped in a decaying body, crying for someone to come for me.  I will be a spirit, to watch over those close to me, to explore the world.  I will feel joy like I have never known.

I fear death.  It terrifies me.  But.. there is hope.  And it is to that hope I cling to.  I want to believe, and I want to believe that those around me will have that future as well.  And I hope, when the time comes, I can meet my sister once more.