Complexity

Samantha: I'm on a down swing again.. it happens from time to time. I thought of posting about this in my own LJ account, but this is more a Legion thing than a Me thing, and I felt it made more sense to do this here.

I'm on a down swing.. feeling a bit depressed, a bit like I'm in the way more than I'm of any use. A burden on a number of people, rather than an actual boon. It's a bunch of little things that add up, and on top if it, my main means of communicating with someone's just flatlined, so I'm having to fight to be able to get in contact with them.

It all sucks.

Where do I start?

Well, someone I trusted with who we are decided to stab me in the back. He decided to hint (and it wasn't even a subtle one) about us in a debate with my brother, Kit, on a public forum, to score points. Then, he essentially denied us the right to be individuals. I'm still not talking to him about it, and I don't think he'll ever apologize about it.

A friend of mine offered to run a solo game for me. This was a high point, nobody does that for me. I've wanted it before, but it didn't happen, and it was exciting and new and I was enjoying myself. It lasted two sessions. After months of waiting, the game got cancelled, and if I'm lucky he's willing to do a few semi-sessions once in a while during the week. Maybe. This one hurts because it was a chance to stretch and be creative and feel like I'm interacting and getting a chance to use my imagination. This isn't something I get a lot of, and he was hitting all the right notes with this game.

I think I put too much pressure on my boyfriend. I try not to.. he's often down and depressed and doesn't have much of a creative drive currently. I want to do things with him.. roleplay, chat, hang out, but he's not in the mood to really roleplay, there's not much to talk about lately, and hanging out seems to drag him down more than it does to pick him up. I feel like, when I'm trying to push and pull him to get him moving, I'm making things worse, not better.

Then of course.. if I'm active, I'm putting a strain on Kit. I'm distracting him from doing his things when I do mine. This upsets me too, because I feel like I can't win with this one. Do I push to be up, knowing that it's killing his chance of doing things. Do I settle back and bide my time, knowing that there's other people who want to do stuff with me, and I'm not there, and that I'm preventing myself doing what I want?

My Guild is a ghost of its former self. There's .. well, there's no regulars. There's me showing up on Sundays, but that's mostly because nobody shows up regularly any other time. Fox's off and on, and Orian and Corin are off and on, and my boyfriend's there for Sundays and that's about it. Everyone else's buggered off to do other things, or to play World of WarCraft.

Do you know how much I hate World of WarCraft? Words don't begin to describe it. It isn't about the game, but it is about what it has taken away from me. I've lost a bunch of friends to that game.. there's people I used to see who I don't anymore. There's people who would play with me on Guild Wars, but WoW is so much better. There's people who would roleplay with us, but they're also playing WoW, so 'oh, can't really concentrate on hanging out with you guys, I'm off playing another fucking game which I'm enjoying more'. Way to show how much you care about our feelings.

Kit does this, sometimes, but he does it the opposite way.. he'll be playing Guild Wars, and doing a mission, and he puts them a bit more at risk because he thinks the feelings of the people he's talking to in another window are more important than the mission he's on. The mission can be repeated later if he fucks up.. but talking to someone? That's a different matter.. trying to be good company's more important. I can at least accept that. If the mission's reasonably important, he'll tell the people he's hanging with he's going to be distracted by Guild Wars, and when the mission's done he turns off the fucking game and gives his attention to the people he's hanging with.

Yeah, we're not bitter. Kit's too nice to really complain about it, but it really gets under his skin. My complaint is that I'm feeling abandoned by people. I'd invited a friend to hang out with my guild more when he lost interest in WoW. It was really an invitation to hang out with me, and.. nothing came of it.

Nothing ever really comes of it..