An Experiment in Voice

Samantha:  I'm on Teamspeak.  Can you imagine that?  I was invited a short while ago to join up on TS with a friend or two who DJ on Guild Wars 2.  I was, as you might imagine, incredibly nervous about doing so, because Teamspeak uses voice.  Seriously.. me?  Talk online?  Hell no!

So.. I didn't use the microphone, but listened to people talk, and tapped away on the keyboard to talk to people.  The thing is - when you're on Teamspeak, you can multitask if you have voice.. so people were kind of doing other things, which made me talking to them a slow and difficult process.

So, after a week or two of this, I got annoyed and tried to find a program to alter my voice.. something I could use so I could sound outwardly the way I hear myself inwardly.  Nothing.  Everything I looked at either cost more money than we have.. or just didn't work.. or sounded bad.. or crashed when we tried to use it.  Needless to say.. I was kinda demoralized.

So.. finally, I talked with Cat.  My few friends offline can usually pick me out from anyone else when I'm up and talking, so I asked her how I sounded.  I know my voice is higher than Kit's, or Mark's (Mark's is lower than Kit's, we've noticed).. but do I sound.. well, not to put too fine of a point on it.. female.

Cat said I sounded fine.  She noted her mom gets mistaken for male on the phone at times (which of course pisses her mom off).. so I should be okay.  This.. well.. I was nervous as hell, but it was enough that I decided I'd just be myself and talk.

I was fucking terrified.

But, see, I had to do this.  I want to have friends, I want people I can talk to.  This was really important to me, because these were people I was hanging out with online, who were opening a door that I had always felt was closed, and were saying hey, we like you, come join us.

I don't get that kind of invitation.  Not really.

So, I turned on the microphone on the laptop, and walked in, and gave it a shot.  And.. it was okay.  The people who knew me didn't bat an eye.. and we talked a bit.  I didn't talk much, since the general topics of conversation were things I didn't know about - they play MMOs and games I don't, for example, but it was nice.  It felt like walking into a dance hall, and seeing people you know, and having them wave to you while you stick to the sidelines and wave back.  You're there, and that's a good start.

Someone asked The Question.. 'are you a girl?'.  So.. I took my second gamble.  One of my friends went 'oh boy', and I knew I didn't have to answer if I didn't want to.  But.. I knew some of these people, and this was the acid test.  Could I be accepted for who I was?  So.. I answered.  I explained who I was.. and what I had to deal with.  And.. it was accepted.  No questions asked.

It felt good.  I was able to be me here.  I could talk.  I could joke.  I could drop my smart-assed remarks and people would laugh, and it was nice!

(Fuck you, I'm allowed to say nice.  Kit's the one who's banned from that word.)

I don't go on often, but.. I'm making it more of a habit these days.  Go in, hang out a bit, talk, and slip out again.  It is .. pleasant.. being able to show up, and hear people be happy you're around.

And tonight, I was given a compliment.  Someone .. well.. I won't go into detail, but they said something that made me feel really good.  They know about me, they've heard me, and even with that disadvantage, I was given a wonderful compliment.

I'm happy.. and sad.. at the same time.  I'm happy that I have these friends, and I'm sad about the limitations I still have, preventing me from being free.. but .. it's still good.  I'm still smiling, even through the tears.

Mark:  I've been watching Samantha go through this, and I'm happy for her.  This has taken a lot of courage, considering her personal fears and physical limitations, and having a group that supports her I think is something she needs.  Hopefully, this will let her come out of her shell more.  Our condition is harder on her than anyone else in our group, so giving her the opportunity to make friends and interact with others is important.  I was admittedly wary of her coming out like this.  I'm glad to see my concerns were not necessary.

Other Voices

Kit:  I've asked other members of Legion to post their thoughts on things here, simply because Samantha has her own LJ if she wants to talk about things, and this blog is not about just one or two members.  For those who are more reluctant to speak, I've allowed others to talk on their behalf.

Daryl

I don't talk much or get out much, because I really don't feel comfortable around people anymore.  A long time ago I was told I could go online and meet new people and make friends, which is not something that I had a lot of time to do normally.  It was fun at first because I was allowed to talk to people, and everyone seemed nice.  Shawn and Mark both say that this is because the internet was young and the places I was going to were social places where people would hang out and talk, and that the community was friendly.  I guess they're right, because the first place I went to was called FurryMUCK, and it was there that I met some nice people, including one who even helped us to get a better computer.  I stopped going online though because one of the people I trusted the most hurt me there, and then the other people that I had trusted went away.  I don't come out very often, though sometimes I will to play a game or just to have fun, but it is kind of hard to trust anyone anymore, and I just kind of watch instead.  I have tried to play games online once or twice but there are people who were just mean to me, or the people that I tried to become friends with just stopped showing up or were to busy to keep me company, so I've stopped again.

Samantha:  Claudia doesn't talk to anyone.  She's simply there, and I try to protect her as much as I can.  She's quiet, she's observant, and she's frail.  We had named her after the girl from Interview with the Vampire, but she's nothing like that.  There's really not much we can say about her - she's the youngest of our 'core', and perhaps the most fragile.

Mark:  There's not much I'm willing to say about myself right now.  I've been convinced to join a game of Pathfinder, and Kit and I sort of oversee the character in equal parts.  I'm not one to talk much, so he does most of the conversations, I deal with most of the strategy and combat in the game, though I do step up once in a while during social scenes that I'm comfortable with.  The game is entertaining, though not quite the type of game I would normally play.  The group is too relaxed, I think, for the kind of game I want.

At the other's request, I'll mention two individuals.  Sonic is our second-youngest, and is unusual.  His motor skills are limited, and his ability to speak his hampered.  He's quite aware of the world around him, but his ability to interact with it is incredibly limited.  It takes effort and concentration for him to walk, move, or talk, and as such he sort of shuffles when he moves, and his speech is a matter of limited intonations and attempts to make words.  He deals with pitch, more than vocabulary, so trying to understand him is much like trying to play charades.

The other is Bard.  Bard has no vocabulary at all, and his presence manifests as music.  In the background we typically have music of some sort or another - a song that plays through our head all day.  He will rise up from time to time, either humming or singing, creating music or rhythms of some sort, and at times he will just spontaneously beatbox.  An interesting... twitch... is when a memory crosses our path that one of us really does not like - and when flinching or reacting to the memory, Bard will respond with a rhythm or sound as a sort of defence mechanism.  It's unusual, and we really do not understand why it happens.

Guardian:  A long time ago, I was necessary.  I was called Avatar, and acted as a focal point for the rest of Legion.  Those days have long since gone, and the majority of my duties have been handed off to Mark.  I have mostly moved on, though I am here if necessary.  In essence, it is my role to ensure that, if the worst happens and Kit falls apart, that I can keep us intact enough to reassemble him and allow him to return.  I am the eye of the storm, as much as it is possible to be.  Once, I was one who would rise up to talk to others, but those days have long since passed.  I would have called Catherine a friend at that time, as she and I would talk about things of importance, and I enjoyed her company.  I am uncertain she remembers much of our encounters.  Kit's doctor remembers me, and has mentioned me in passing once or twice, which I find to be somewhat warming.  It is good to be remembered.

I believe my other duty, though again, this is not as necessary as it once was, is to keep an eye on the one we call The Crying One.  This is an entity which is more a bundle of negative emotions which lurks at the heart of our being.  It is a destructive, mindless, chaotic force, though it has not been present too often in our more recent past.  The maelstrom of half-thoughts and shards that exists outside of our existence is the greater threat, but even this has not been much of a danger in the recent past.  Perhaps I have done my job too well, and there is no need for my presence at all.  Still, I remain.

Shawn:  I introduced myself a while back.  I see no point in repeating myself here.  But, since Kit wants us all to say something, I'll make some introductions for those who have passed on and those who have since disappeared.  Samantha prefers not to talk about Milady, but I will.  She was the first female within our group, and she was the first of us to disappear.  When Kit broke, and we all had to scramble to put him back together, she just up and left, plunging herself into the storm.  This wasn't something we'd have thought possible, but I guess being a girl in a guy's body was something she just couldn't take.  When Samantha made her first appearance - again, after one of Kit's fits - she would freak out at the mere mention of Milady.  Mind you, she had other triggers as well, and we really don't understand why she had those, either.  There is some speculation though - is Samantha actually Milady "evolved" in some form, like how Avatar became Guardian?  Or maybe Claudia's Milady, which is why Samantha's so protective of the brat.

The second one I'll mention is Troy.  Who's Troy?  We have no fucking clue.  He was there, for perhaps a week or two or three, then he was gone.  We've no idea who he was, why he was with us, what purpose he served, or anything of the sort.  Poof.  Gone.

The third one I'll talk about is Natasha.  That was a piece of work.  We have no clue what that guy was, other than the fact he stole his name from a book.  He was powerful, in that it took all of us to suppress him when he took control, but when he was down, we couldn't see him at all.  He was like a bloody ghost, and we only saw him once.  The guy was at once smooth, but disturbing, and we always wonder whether or not he's still around, or if he's left.  We'd never know until he decided to come up again.

There was another.  We've no bloody clue who that one was.  A friend of Kit's once mentioned looking at him, and she said he was "angelic".  Wasn't any of us, none of us are angelic.  We've debated whether she saw Daryl, but he's too young, and we wondered if it was Avatar at the time, but Guardian says it wasn't him.  So, yeah, no idea.

Mark:  The last one which bears mentioning is Dark.  He's an animal - very instinct-driven.  The best way to describe him is almost totemic - he's a panther.  Not sleek like one, but much in the way he manifests in our mind's eye.  He doesn't talk, and his movements are a lot more basic than what most of us are like.  He's got more coordination than Sonic does, but he dislikes standing at full height - he prefers to crouch.  Obviously, he's not going to talk about himself here - he lacks the ability to think in this fashion.  He's a lot stronger than most of us in a physical sense, which first surprised us when he showed just how strong he was.  If I recall correctly, I believe he lifted someone who weighed in excess of 250 pounds, and I don't think any of us are capable of that.  This is more significant when you realize we weighed perhaps 160 or so at the time.  We keep him on a short leash, since his social skills are significantly lacking, and fortunately, none of us have had need of actually bringing him up to the surface deliberately.  He's designed for combat, and fairly vicious combat at that.

Samantha:  That's our role-call, I guess.  :>  I'm kinda amused that Shawn had the most to say about this, but then again I didn't expect anyone to talk about those who.. well, yeah.  We don't talk to each other as much as we used to - we kinda pass mental notes back and forth when necessary, but we've kind of learned how to fit comfortably adjacent to each other, and can swap in and out when we need.. so yeah, there's not as much talking as there used to be.  Mark and I talk with each other a lot more than, say, I do with Guardian, and Mark and Shawn kinda look at each other askance from time to time, and Daryl's always around the fringes, but everyone else kind of hangs back and just observes or sleeps.

Was there a point to this?  Not entirely, but it seemed like it might be something that could help put some things in perspective, and some of us aren't really known for communicating.  It's a good idea once in a while to take stock of things, and see how things have changed.

Legion and the Mormons

Samantha:  Kit's been having Mormons come visit.  He's been a little uncomfortable with their presence, but it isn't because he doesn't like them or anything.  It feels like there's a spiritual conflict each time they're around.  But that's not what I'm here to talk about..

Their last visit, they asked Kit if he'd be willing to be baptised.  Kit replied that, while he accepts their faith (as he pretty much accepts all faiths on some grounds), he would not be able to be baptised, because he would need a consensus.  This sort of confused them.. so he sort of introduced us.

This became almost a five minute oration, discussing who we were, how we interacted, and how we fit into his life and spirituality.  He laid out our concerns about the afterlife, how we felt about ourselves, and our need to be accepted as individuals.

This was really fascinating for them, I think.  He kinda blew their minds.. but they accepted our presence.  The very idea we were there, and that we had our own spiritual needs caught their interest.  So, what happened is that one of them has decided she's going to look into great depth into the Mormon afterlife and view on spirituality, and how it intersects with us.

Kinda curious to see where this goes.  I mean, Shinto's cool and all, our sensei basically said 'you're all gods, when your body dies, you'll continue to exist'.  Kinda curious how Mormonism is gonna take us.

On the Air?

Samantha:  So, I've been invited to DJ again.  I used to DJ on Second Life - which was fun, I enjoyed putting on music and entertaining in-world.  This is a bit different though.. in this case, I'd be DJing in Guild Wars 2.. and I'd be on air.  This means my voice would be heard.. and that scares me.

Because, of course, my voice is not my voice.  Sure, I talk at a higher pitch than Kit does.. but still, it isn't mine.  And I really, really want to DJ again.  This means getting a good mic, and it also means trying to find a way to get my voice heard.

So.. looking into voice changers.. and while I'm at it, discussing what I'd do, when I'd do it, and so forth.  If I can get this sorted?  I could DJ again.. and be more.. legitimate at it.

Scared.. but interested.

On the Outside, Looking In

Samantha:  It has been quite some time since we posted, hasn't it?  Well, not much we can say - life doesn't change much for us.. but Merry Christmas to our readers, and I've got some things to talk about tonight.  I'm not going to name names, and I'm going to shave details, because this is a personal issue.. so sorry if you're not gonna get the information you'd usually get from us.

You see, a friend of ours may have been diagnosed with something similar to what we have.  There's been no final diagnosis, but they've got a lot of stuff we recognize going on with them.  Where we are able to chat among ourselves and work together, they've not got this luxury.  Their siblings are cut off, preventing any real communication.  Kit's been asked to help with that - in that he's been asked what to do, and he's offered some advice (such as leaving notes for each other so the siblings can communicate), but tonight, our friend switched - and that sort of freaked out their partner since normally the sibling comes up when there's some sort of crisis.

And, see, they were having a good day, so a sudden switch could be a bit off-putting - especially if the only other time you'd met this other is during a crisis.  I sat down with the sibling, talked things out, and explained what I thought was important:  1) communication with the prime individual.  You're a guest, after all.. a permanent one perhaps, but a guest.  2)  find out if there's any others.  Each person is an individual, and you need to know who these people are, and if they're safe.  Or, as Kit mentioned during a chat earlier - if you're going to see a doctor, they want to know if (a) you're a danger to anyone else, and (b) if you're a danger to yourself.  In much the same way.. everyone in the collective needs to know if everyone else is safe, and what triggers or limits there are.

For example, Shawn.  He's a bit of a prick - he gets under people's skin, and he's good at it, but he's not a danger, and we know why he's like that.  He hates.. well, social niceties.  He hates playing games where people dance around problems and try to wave off other people's faults.  He's used this with surgical precision on Kit and the rest of us at times, which forces us to take hard looks at ourselves, but he's not a danger to us or anyone else.  Dark, on the other hand, is a weapon.  He's there to take down threats to us or those we care about.  He's dangerous, and we are well aware of that.  So, if he's coming up when he is not needed, we are prepared to prevent this.

But our friend isn't used to this.  They've not been in this kind of situation for years, and haven't developed the kind of mechanisms needed to control this kind of thing.  So, we were kind of glad to notice that their primary 'other' was a 'knight' of sorts - there to protect the host as necessary.  This is good - we can talk to a person like that, and help lay out rules.  Communication.  Awareness.  Discipline.  And they understood.  Which is good.

The other thing is - they're not sharing certain bits of information.  Passwords, whether or not medication has been taken, etc.  This is Bad.  So this needs to be worked on.  The first thing we did was try to teach how to get in contact with a sibling and bring them up (or, if necessary, push them down).  This worked - which surprised me.  I mean, we were suggesting techniques we used over a decade ago, when we were new at switching who was running the host.  So.. we were suggesting techniques we didn't know would work - I mean, a lot of it is mental jiujutsu.

But it worked, our friend came back up, and we explained everything in a nutshell.  So there's some relief there.  However - their partner's a bit freaked out, and we can't blame them.  Finding out your significant other has in-house siblings can be a bit of a shock.  I mean, their partner's used to us, but even we came as a bit of a shock.  Having this happen again, and a lot closer to home, can be hard.  They're confused, and we sat down with them and talked a little.  Hopefully it will work out.

But this is kinda new for us.. being on the outside, trying to help someone like us cope with this development.  And it's kinda hard for us, because a friend of ours now has to try to deal with a partner who's suddenly gone plural.  Well, we'll try to be there for both of them, but.. it's going to be a slow, learning process for us as well.  Wish us luck.

Random Meanderings

Samantha here,

I sent an e-mail to the Shinto priest a few days ago, and poured my heart out to him.  I told him about my fears, and how I was worried about myself, what I was, and what might happen to me.  He seemed to be quite understanding, and told me that - as a conscious entity, Shinto accepted me as an individual, with all the spiritual rights of anyone else.  That, when I died, I would join the kami and be among them.

This made me smile.. and I told him that I would be picking up a bottle of Sortilege to give to Ame no Uzume no Mikoto as a gift.  I think she's probably never had maple brandy before, so it should be extra special.  :>  He thanked me for the kind words, and seems to be looking forward to it.

I feel really good!

Shawn:  I'm being asked to write my mind.  I don't really have anything to talk about - I'm not heavy into the whole philosophy and religion stuff, and I don't think about the afterlife and what happens after we die.  None of this is really interesting.  I spend my time sitting back and watching the world, and making comments about it when it suits me.  In general, my view is this:  people suck, the world sucks, you suck, I suck.  What I'm interested in is seeing how people deal with their lives.  Will they stand up and do what needs to be done, or will they collapse and wimp out?  Will they accept their losses and try again, or will they whine and bitch and give up?  The former, I'm willing to give some respect to.  The latter can go fuck themselves.  I've seen Kit listen to people complain and mope, and he's offered perfectly good advice on what's wrong and how to fix it, only to have the person whine and bitch more and not do anything to change their status.  I'm not even talking about hard stuff, I'm talking about people with perfectly solvable problems, who are too lazy or too set in their ways to try anything out.  Drives me bloody nuts, and if I'm given the chance, I'll tear a strip off them for their troubles.

Even Cat gets under my skin.  Kit'll offer a perfectly reasonable suggestion for a course of action, and she'll hem and haw and hesitate, even though it doesn't cost her anything to act.  Yesterday we were going out to see a flick, and she wanted breakfast.  Because our mother doesn't want to do a lot of walking, we had the suggestion of eating local.  But she fixated on "I'll go off and go get food, while you wait in the theatre", and completely ignored that, oh, hey, perhaps other people might want to eat, too!  After milling around, the group decided to go to the place kitty-corner to the theatre.  Then she fussed on whether or not they served breakfast, but was reluctant to actually ask and see if they did - when it was pointed out it won't cost to ask them if they did.  That kind of thing annoys me.  If you've got the tools, use them.  If you don't know what's up, you ask someone who can tell you.  You don't fuss, you don't hesitate, you don't hem and haw, you just do it.  A minute of your life to be informed isn't going to kill you.

Kit of course has his own issues, don't get me wrong.  The guy's got fixation problems.  He'll hone in on an interest with laser sharp focus, then obsess over it for a period of time, then get bored and dump it.  Some things last longer than others - if they have simple rotes he'll do them out of habit.  The guy just doesn't have the focus to finish anything though, and it requires a lot of effort to push him forward to get things done.  And then there's his spending habits, which need a bit of work as well, he'll waste money he doesn't have, justifying it as 'just a little bit', even though the money could be better spent on groceries or on bills.  The guy really needs to look ahead and save up.  And he knows it too - we tell him often enough.

Heh.  And he didn't like me mentioning that little bit.  He's not comfortable when his dirt's laid out for others to see.  Too bad.  I was told to write, so whatever.  Anyway, it's bed time soon, so I'll just wrap things up here.  I bet they'll think twice before letting me speak my mind here again.

Spiritual Journey

Samantha here,

Mm, I tried writing something, but I didn't like how it sounded.  I'm kinda not in the writing mood, but I did want to say my thoughts on a matter.  So I deleted the whole thing, to start over.

Kit's registered with a Shinto shrine.. specifically, the one in Seattle that's got a shrine to Ame no Uzume no Mikoto.. the goddess of the dawn and celebration.  Kinda a funny story here.. my friend Paul was running a Scion game - this is a game where you play the offspring of gods.  I decided to make a daughter of Ame no Uzume.. who takes her role as a shrine maiden / priestess of her mother quite seriously (and is also a doctor, but that's not entirely relevant to this story).  Paul set his game in Seattle, because he kinda likes the place, and I thought that was cool.  Then I found out there's a Shinto shrine just north of Seattle.  Then I find out it's a shrine to Ame no Uzume. Then I found out she was, essentially, the first shrine maiden.  Isn't that cool?

Anyway.. after all that, I've felt a bond with Ame no Uzume no Mikoto.  I want to go to Seattle, and I want to kneel in front of her shrine, and pray to her.  I want to feel.. something.. a part of something.  Kit's now an actual, official Shinto follower, and I want to be too.  He's hoping to visit Seattle - and I've been pushing for that extra hard.  I want to go there, I want to talk with the high priest .. he seems an awesome fellow.. and I want to see if there's anything he can do for me.

And I want a shrine to Ame no Uzume to bring home, so I can talk with her, too.  And hopefully, I can be enshrined myself.. not as a part of Kit, but as me, myself.  It feels important.

Kit had an argument with mom about this kind of thing, actually.  She doesn't understand, and Kit couldn't really tell her that a part of it is my needs, either.  She doesn't understand what I go through, and the doubts and the worries I experience.  Kit's got a bit of a worry about his impending mortality, but it's worse for me.. what happens to me, to Legion, to my brothers and my sister when he dies?

It's something I'm not comfortable with.. and I'm hoping, maybe, somehow, visiting the shrine and talking with the high priest, may give me some answers.. let's hope, right?

Yeah, I think this sounds a lot better than what I was saying before.

Mark:  This isn't something I've really thought about myself.  I'm not a spiritual person, not like Kit, who takes religion Very Seriously, or Samantha, who feels aimless and needs some sort of assurance that she's not doomed to simply vanishing upon death.  In some ways, I find the concept of death as something that I may welcome - a release from my duties, you might say.  At death, I'm free.  Will I have an afterlife?  Will I simply cease to be?  I don't know, and it doesn't bother me that much.  Do I get upset when someone I care for passes?  No, strangely enough, I don't.  I mean Chris was broken up when Minou died, he gets upset when a family member dies, and he still is sad about the loss of Kitty, and Samantha was upset herself, and gets scared and antsy any time there's a death, and the loss of Minou caused Daryl to completely lose his shit, but I don't really feel these things.  Death isn't something I'm worried about.  I don't know why, but there you have it.  I guess, perhaps, because I don't get much of a sense of living, I'm in a waiting state of sorts, so perhaps that's what it is.  I don't have, I feel, much to lose in death, because there's not much that I have gained.  When I die, those who know me may be upset, but I think it will be upset at the total loss, not of me, myself.  After all, when Chris dies, so does Legion.  And I think most people will be more in mourning about losing Chris, than of Samantha, or Daryl, or myself.  This is worse for some of the others, because they don't have the connections that Chris or Samantha has - who will mourn Bard?  Or Dark?  Shawn, or Sonic?  Guardian, or Claudia?  We exist, some stronger than others, but there will not really be anyone to mourn us, because nobody truly tried to get to know us as individuals.  Instead, it was more a matter of knowing Chris, then knowing us through him.  And I'm willing to accept that.  When the time comes, I will go, and that will be it.  I don't see a reason to fear death.  I have so little to lose.