Kit (With Support from Legion)
Let's talk about sexual assault, and how it applies to men.
Because when women talk about sexual assault, there's a lot of things men simply don't understand. Men are assaulted a lot less than women are, and the entire social construct surrounding it is quite different. How men deal with sexual assault is entirely different than how women deal with it. The expectations surrounding it are different. I'm going to talk a bit about what happened to me, and what happened to someone I know - though in their case I won't be naming names.
I've been sexually assaulted three times.
To be more explicit: I've had people initiate sex with me without my permission.
Twice, a woman initiated sex with me while I was asleep.
Once, a man initiated sex with me while I was asleep. In this case, with two other men watching.
Now, my reaction was more surprise than anything. Did it feel good? Certainly. But that isn't the point, is it? It's the fact that there was no consent involved. That makes it sexual assault. Even if I was okay with it, it's still sexual assault.
Most men would say, of the women 'hey, that's cool' -- which is missing the point, but also which makes my point. A lot of men will think 'hey, waking up to a girl going down on me that I barely know is cool'. And that's the point - the psychology there is completely different than for a woman, who goes 'holy shit, some guy I barely know is having sex with me'. Which is a distinctly bad thing, because 1) they don't know this person, 2) the power dynamic is different, and 3) the girl can get pregnant or get an STI. Most guys kind of ignore #1, don't need to worry about #2, and have no concerns about #3.
Of the guy, if the person's straight, they are going to freak the hell out. If they're bi (like me), it isn't so bad. (For the record, it was oral - but that's still sex). I barely knew the guy (I knew him online, but not face-to-face). I was relatively chill about it - until I noticed I had witnesses, then I almost died of embarrassment. But think about it - if you're totally straight - your reaction would be totally different, right? For a woman? That's the reaction to some guy doing stuff that she didn't ask for.
That I am chill about this isn't relevant. How the world reacts to it is.
What happens if the girl has a partner? Me, being the guy, gets the blame. Regardless of who started it or the circumstances around it. Why? Because I'm a guy. But for most people, they'd be like 'hey, that's cool'.
But if I was a girl? Then it's my fault because I somehow 'made it happen'. It isn't high-5s all around because I got some. There's a lot of pressure to shame women for being the victim. And honestly, that sucks.
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So, next. A guy I know got raped a little while ago. He was drugged, and sodomized by a pair of guys, and left for dead. He survived, and hid what happened to him from his family. It only came out when he damn near died from syphilis. He had trouble admitting what happened to him - and being a guy, he didn't want to tell anyone, he wanted to treat it as a non-event.
And that's dangerous. It almost killed him.
The pressure on a guy who's been sexually assaulted is to hide it, because it's not 'manly'. That you're a less of a man for being assaulted. And that sucks. The entire situation there is horrific.
So yes. Men do get raped. But the entire situation and the entire dynamic is completely different between men and women. When women talk about assault - we should shut up and listen. We should be supportive. We shouldn't do a vague 'well, guys get assaulted to', because while that is true, the dynamics are different.
If a guy has been assaulted, and it's traumatic? Then listen. Help. I doubt any guy's going to say, 'well, women get assaulted too' - because who the hell would do that?
Like, I'm not looking for sympathy for what happened to me. I accepted it - and I moved on. However, that doesn't change the fact it happened. That there wasn't consent. If I wasn't chill about it I could have laid charges. And it would have been a really weird social storm because of it, because the situation for guys, as I said, is completely different.
Complicated and sensitive issues. I don't know that I can really contribute much, or even if it needs to be a "discussion..."
ReplyDeleteI would say that the criminality of such conduct may not be technically dependent on someone pressing charges. In a practical sense, of course, police can't even look into something unless someone makes them aware and a prosecutor may not proceed with charges if they feel there isn't even evidence, but depending on locale and specifics of a crime, charges can be pressed even if the victim is "chill about it" and doesn't want to press charges. A lot of US states have such rules about domestic violence. I'm not sure if sexual assault qualifies.
But yeah, these situations are perceived differently depending on individuals (and especially the genders) involved. Some situations may seem like a "happy surprise," while others can be scarring events - sometimes the same situation could be both for the two (or more) people involved. I don't know there's a lot we can do about that other than trying to encourage more empathy - understanding of what others want and what they go through...