Friday, June 29, 2012

New Relationship Energy

It has been a while, hasn't it?  There's a lot I could talk about but I thought it would be best to talk about this specifically.  It might seem a little disjointed, but my feelings are all over the place and I'm not entirely certain how to describe what's going on.

Last month, we went to a convention.. it was the first furry convention we'd been to in over a decade.  It was a pleasant experience overall, no question there.  But at the convention, I met someone who I found myself attracted to.  Now, I may be an incredible flirt online, but Real Life is something else entirely.  Still, I was interested, and they accepted (mostly) my interest and returned it.

After we got home, I talked with them a little online, and we became (kind of) a couple.  This is good and all, and she showed up two weeks later to hang out with me for a little while.  She lives in another city, so our visits are going to be infrequent - but they're close enough that I'm reasonably happy.

The thing is.. having a relationship where I get to hang out with the person in person has made me acutely aware of my limitations.  Physical limitations.  Social limitations.  I'm physically not who I want to be, and currently I'm .. very unhappy with myself.  I have to share space with the rest of Legion, and then there's Kit's relationship with Cat, with the obligations which that warrants.

Tonight, she's visiting, and we had a bit of a talk about this.  She has someone who she has a deep interest in, but who isn't accepting a partner.  However, they hit it off very well, and I came up as part of the conversation (there's a lot of backstory here which we're not gonna talk about because it's private - just accept that (1) there's someone else, (2) there's a strong connection between these two people, (3) I'm okay with it).  This woman mentioned she didn't think my girlfriend should have me as a girlfriend - because she thinks my girlfriend deserves a whole partner.

I'd be more upset, except that I understand.. and agree.  It's the same with Scott.  When I heard a girl was interested in Scott, I accepted this and wished him the best with it - because I feel he deserves someone who can be there for him, all the time.

Don't kid yourself.  I am upset.  In the 'I am doing my damndest not to cry' level.  During our discussion tonight, I forced myself not to cry, and also forced myself to stay up and not let someone else take over so I could just go down and sleep.

The thing is, I can understand all of this.  I don't have to like it, but.. really, I'm aware of my limitations, and what I can and can't offer.  She understands too, and she told me that, while she accepts the advice that was given to her, she's willing to 'wait and see'.  I'm glad for that.. I hope things can work for us, in spite of the limits that exist.

I don't know.. I want to make her happy.. but I know there's things missing.  Hell, just being in this relationship has made me acutely aware of my physical flaws.. I'm afraid to take off my shirt around her, because seriously, who wants to look at my chest?  I mean, I guess I can see what Cat sees in Kit.. but the best I can say is 'he's okay for a guy'.  But for me?  I feel.. hideous..

The best I can do is suck it back and not let it bother me overly long.  Focus specifically on my ideal self, and try to make due.  Because, really.. that's all I have to work with.

Wish me luck.

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