Thursday, January 14, 2010

First Group Dream

Kit: Legion doesn't dream often.
Or, to put it another way -- most dreams are marked 'my' dreams, and only a very few dreams I am privy to belong to anyone else. Samantha has had two or three dreams that I am personally aware of, and I'm not certain about anyone else. It just might be that Samantha's stands out because she's a girl, and in her dreams she identifies with being a girl. I don't know.

Last night, however, was the first time that I remember having a dream which involved all of us. It stands out because it was the first dream where we had a 'fit' in the dream itself. It was pretty horrible, because it had all the earmarks of a fit.

For those of you who don't know -- a 'fit' -- is when one or more of us get so upset, that Dark comes out to attack the source of our anger / fear / anxiety / whatever. Because having a feral something go into attack mode is usually inappropriate, we have to try to hold him back, and as we all fight for control... well, we usually collapse and thrash around. It is painful, confusing, and disorienting.

Once we've got him under lock and key, there's a strange hollow feeling, our limbs feel like deadwood, and we usually let one of the younger ones up (Sonic, usually), while we assess what went on and how to deal with it.

So, yeah. Last night involved a dream where mom upset us so much (and I don't remember over what), that we had a fit. We were at someone's house, there was a swimming pool in the back, and everyone was dressed for swimming, I remember that. And I remember the fit starting, me going 'oh crap!' and trying to hold it off, and Dark attacking mom. Usually, if there's a fit in public, there's a few people there to help hold me down -- not this time.

Mom tried to fight him off, and he'd try to push her down so he could bite her and claw at her. At the end of it, we curled up, and the horror of it all sunk in. We felt terrible, and mom was torn between being angry, being terrified, not understanding really what happened, and blaming me for what happened. Nothing she could say, though, could really draw us out, and she eventually take us to the van to try to drive us someplace to eat. It was... a slow process coming out after that.

During the aftershock, though... there was a brief discussion where I mentioned my father's gun, and the passive desire to just finish ourselves off for what we'd done. Mom dismissed it at first, then made sure Dad had the gun hidden, the bullets removed and put somewhere else, and nothing around for us to get our hands on.

We woke up shortly after this whole thing, and I felt very... off. I was upset at the dream, but it also disturbed me on a few other levels as well. We're sort of discussing this with each other, trying to sort it out, and at the moment our skin doesn't feel like it sits 'just right', sort of like what happens when we're not sure who is driving the boat.

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